Bruised, Broken, Torn
by xxRomanceGirlxx
Summary: Angel S3/Buffy S6. For the first time in his existence, Angel is content. Meanwhile, Buffy is still haunted by Spike and barely getting by. After Buffy uncovers a nest of demons, she tracks one to L.A. ... only to find her old flame with a miracle boy and halfway to forgetting her. B/A major feat. Spuffy & Cangel. B/A/C, B/S/A love triangles. Angst warning. Full Summary Inside.
1. What You Don't Know Won't Hurt You

**Bruised,** **Broken, Torn**

 **Full Summary:** For the first time in his entire existence, Angel is content. With a son to dote on and a budding romance with Cordelia, he is thriving. On the opposite side of the tracks, Buffy is barely making it by in her "battle" with life and Spike who continues to haunt her. After Buffy uncovers a nest of demons, unfinished business—and avoidance—beckons to her as she ends up tracking one of them to L.A. Buffy enlists Angel and his gang for help ... only to find her old flame with a miracle boy and halfway to forgetting her.

 **Main Pairings:** B/A major ( **ANGST!** warning), but with a good, realistic dose of Cangel and Spuffy that sort of mesh together into a first-parter A/C/B love triangle and second-parter B/S/A. If you're a Bangel fan that can't handle some C/A or Spuffy, I suggest you don't read. No pairing complaints. :/

 **Timeline:** Directly after BtVS's _**"Dead Things"**_. Atvs-wise, right before to during **" _Waiting in the Wings_ " **but pretty much veers off completely from there.

 **Disclaimer:** **I take no credit for Buffyverse or it's characters. They will always belong to Joss. For we all know if could own anything, this fic would've been a crossover spanning at least a few episodes.**

 **A/N:** This idea came to me as it being one of the many missed opportunities on the show centering on all these relationships. Being a Bangel fan means loving drama and angst so naturally this 'what-if' was too good to pass up lol. I don't ship Cangel or S6 Spuffy, but I'm a canon-compliant writer first and Bangel shipper second so I always respect what's there. This fic is somewhat inspired by the Buffy episode **" _As You Were"_** but better because it's Bangel instead of Briley and just more Bangel-y. :P

 ** _Always open to constructive criticism/OCCness thoughts!_**

* * *

 _What You Don't Know Won't Hurt You_

~~Angel~~

Angel stared down at the small little shape in the crib, his gaze soft with paternal love. Connor slept soundly, chest rising and falling, his round face relaxed and just looking so peaceful and innocent and ... _human_. Alive. His son.

Sometimes he still couldn't believe it. A dead thing like him, creating a living thing. Good things like this—miracles—didn't happen. Not to him. Sometimes ... times like now ... he would just stand over and watch him sleep for hours, just to make he's there. That he's real. Breathing, alive, _human_. A living thing he can raise and make sure he'd have the best future possible. How some higher power could think he deserved this gift Angel would never know.

Angel smiled softly. The feelings this tiny vulnerable creature stirred was so new and different and completely overwhelming. He thought he knew love ... and then came Connor. It was nothing like the burning, fiery, passionate sensation he had felt for Buffy, like every nerve was electrified and he was on fire just from being around her. It wasn't perfect happiness somehow either. It was something different, something he couldn't name. Softer, tamer ...

The vampire's thoughts went to his friends and a warm feeling washed over him. He couldn't have done anything without them. It took him a while to fully adjust to Los Angeles and have a new start, but the moment Connor was born he thought he finally got there. He found a place where he belonged. His friends were his family, just like Connor. They had all done so much to help him get to his point ... especially Cordelia.

A even warmer feeling ignited in Angel. Cordelia had really stepped up lately, giving him advice and helping in this strange new territory of fatherhood while still " _helping the helpless"._ She was great with Connor. Out of everyone else, he had never expected that. She changed and matured so much. All she seemed to do was surprise him lately ... and he wondered if maybe she could surprise him more. Lately when he thought of Cordy there was a knot in his gut that was vaguely familiar yet different at the same time.

He wasn't ready to address that yet though.

With one last loving look at Connor, Angel left him to sleep in his crib.

The vampire walked the halls of the Hyperion. He saw Wesley standing at the reception desk, engrossed with a scroll and peering at the words through a magnifying glass. He hummed distractedly in tune to Cordelia who was trying to snag his attention.

" ... I'm just saying you should make a move already. Get away from the books and the weird, old time-y languages and enter the realm of actually being in a realm." Cordelia was saying. Her wide hazel eyes fixed on him meaningfully. "Fred's here. Fred's _single_. And _so_ not with the waiting!"

Wesley didn't look up from his work. "I'm not looking to be rash ... Fred's had to deal with rather a lot lately, reaccliminating to regular society."

"Well, she's going out and doing stuff now. Less on the weird, crazy speak. And I don't feel like I'm watching an all-day, every day, pay-per-view of _Beautiful Mind_ every time I stop by her room so I vote go." Cordelia answered bluntly, shrugging.

Before Wesley could answer, the doors of the Hyperion opened. Gunn entered, a battle axe slung over his shoulder. He was covered in slime and looked a bit battered, but had a glint in his eye. "Found a Creplar demon. And ..." He whistled. "Man, that was tight! Just the fight I needed to let loose."

"Wow! Are you badly hurt?" Angel looked to see Fred had emerged from her room, on the top floor with a worried frown.

Gunn grinned and shook his head. "Hurt _it_ more than it hurt me." He cleaned the blood off the battle axe and put it back with the other weapons.

Fred stared at him, admiration blooming in her eyes.

Angel just watched silently with a smile. Cordelia was the first to notice to the souled vampire's silent entrance. "Angel!" The seer brightened and rushed over to him. "Does Connor need anything?" She asked instantly.

He smiled more softly. "He's sleeping." The dark-haired vampire paused, overlooking with his friends with appreciate look. " ... We should go out, all of us together. I'll get Lorne to watch over Connor. We'll do something fun." Angel wanted to show how grateful he was for everything they were doing for him.

Cordy looked pleasantly surprised. " _Wow._ I mean, he _looks_ like Angel, but ..." The seer teased, moving closer to him.

"I think it's more than due." Angel said in amusement. His gaze lingered on her despite himself.

"What are we gonna be doing?" Fred asked with a wide smile, excited.

"Yo!" Gunn said suddenly, pointing at him. "Mahta Hari. In Los Angeles. In a few days. Best damn band. You're gonna love it." The hunter suggested enthusiastically, grabbing the vampire's shoulder.

Wesley grimaced. "I believe that is heavy metal?" He said blandly.

"Hey. Don't knock it till you try it, English." Gunn replied defensively. He turned back to Angel. "Don't even worry about it, man. I'll pay you back for the tickets. It's gonna _be_ off the hook!"

 _I thought this was my idea?_ Angel thought with a bit of frown. He wasn't quite sure how the conversation got to this point.

Before he could say anything (or even figure out if he wanted to go to a concert), Fred jumped forward. "Sure! I could be alright with a concert." She spared a shy look at Gunn.

Cordy raised her eyebrows. "To see these two awash in a sea of booming confusion?" She tilted her head to Angel and Wesley. "I'd _pay_."

The souled vampire's brow furrowed. He didn't confirm or deny it. Before he knew it Gunn was already explaining where the ticket place was. At that point he just went with it. Not like he was good at these things or even knew what else had tickets available...

Wesley, as English as ever, didn't show any protest to the concert past the pursing of his lips. The ex-watcher gathered up his notes and scroll. He spared a brief glance at Gunn and Fred, walking together as Gunn went over his fight with the Creplar. An uninterpretable look was on his face, but he quickly rose with his things and left to work in his study. It was just him and Cordelia.

The seer noticed the small moment. "Now what did I say? Girls don't just sit around waiting. The guy's gotta make a move." She stated with conviction. She sighed and turned to him, frowning. "I mean, what is so _wrong_ with a little _'rashness'_ , y'know?" He said conversationally.

Sudden discomfort rippled through Angel. He _really_ couldn't tell if there was a double-meaning in that comment. "Right ..." A pang hit him at his own answer. So much hidden and left unsaid behind that word.

There was an uncomfortable moment. True to her nature, Cordy was the one to break the silence. "So ... are you going to do it?" She asked suddenly.

Angel startled. "What?"

"The concert, duh." Cordelia frowned at him, giving a look that said _'What else?'_ "I mean, not with the screamy, ear-bleeding crowd, but ... something different, I guess? Well for _you_ , anyway. Breaks the mind-numbing monotony of your broody shell and that _'Change scares me'_ crap."

The souled vampire couldn't even tell if he was relieved or disappointed it wasn't _that_ talk before he realized what she just said. "Wait. T-t-that's not ... did you just call me boring?" He couldn't help but say, frowning in hurt.

Cordy rolled her eyes. "Are we going or not?"

Letting her remark go with difficulty, he thought about it. " ... I'll get tickets." He said simply.

"Yay for non-weirdness." Cordelia gave another roll of her eyes, though she had a bit of a smile on her face. She paused, gaze softening. "Y'know ... these past few weeks ... watching you with Connor has been ... _amazing_. You've been ... different." She gave a disbelieving snort. "I mean actually ... happy." There was a note of wonder in her voice. "Just as long it's not _perfect_ happiness ... I think I like this new Angel." She added with more meaning, but her eyes were sincere.

In that moment, under Cordelia's warm look and a truth he hardly believed himself, something finally clicked. No, this wasn't perfect happiness. Even though he loved his son already more than he ever loved anything, that's not what Connor brought. This was _contentment_. For the first time in over two hundred years he was simply content. At war with nothing, consumed by nothing.

It was more peace than perfect happiness ever was.

Angel glanced around the Hyperion. He drank everything in. His friends, Connor, what they were doing. He smiled. "For the first time ... everything's going right."

* * *

~~Buffy~~

Buffy's breath whooshed out as her back hit the cold hard dirt, her head smacking against a tree trunk hard enough to see stars. Yellow eyes and baring fangs loomed above her. The blonde slayer grunted angrily and kicked the vampire right in the stomach, rolling away and leaping to her feet with an incoming fist.

The vampire caught her hand. Dark amusement glimmered in his eyes. "What's wrong, Slayer? You don't seem so quick as you used to be." He taunted.

Annoyed (and perhaps striking a nerve she didn't want to acknowledge), the slayer gave him two hard punches in the face. Another kick was added and he stumbled over. Blowing hair out of her face, Buffy raised her fist. "I think I still go it, wouldn't you say?" She asked, giving an innocent look.

With a growl, the vampire charged. There was a flurry of punches and kicks and the slayer gained the upper-hand, unbalancing him with a roundhouse kick. He went reeling and the blonde gripped him, tossing him over on top of a coffin. The blonde was on him a second, straddling him as she rammed her stake through the heart. His eyes widened. Buffy smiled smugly as dust blew in her face.

"Say hello to that dustpan in the sky for me." She deadpanned, jumping down.

"I believe the term is _below_ , luv."

Buffy stiffened. Slowly she turned and saw Spike skulking out of the shadows.

He gave her a meaningful look. "Need a lot better wordplay than that, Slayer."

Any snarky comeback died immediately on her tongue as she was drawn to his weaker than usual smirk and then the dark rim of bruising around one eye. Suddenly she was pulled back into her brutal beating of him in that alley. She fought to keep her expression impassive, burned by guilt despite herself.

"Good to see though. Y'know, doing the thing. Patrolling." The bleached blonde began conversationally, approaching. "Not locked away in a cell somewhere for the rest of your _very_ young life ..." He added pointedly, giving her a look.

A pang hit Buffy. She hadn't been the one after all to kill Warren's ex-girlfriend ... but she _could've_ been. "... How are you?" She kept her face emotionless.

Spike looked surprised. "Hmm, this? Healing up. Hardly notice it, even." He shrugged. "Not like I'm not _already_ on the day-to-day receiving end of all your little _releases_ , Slayer."

Shame twisted in Buffy, along with the ever-present disgust with herself. At same time there was that instinctive urge to ... no. No, _not_ now. She nodded. "Good. Now _go away_." She managed to muster up a stern glare, walking past him.

"Oughta show some compassion, luv. I walked all the way out here with a bloody limp trying to find you." Spike said with no real bite, following.

In no mood for banter, Buffy ignored him and went to pick up the Doublemeat Palace food bag she had tucked away when the vampire showed up. It was for Dawn. "Not tonight, Spike." Just think of Dawn.

"Can't I just wanna bloody talk?"

The slayer snorted at the thought. She gave a disbelieving look. "You never _just_ wanna _'talk'_ , Spike. You're not _'just'_ anything. Literally everything you do just has something else behind it." Buffy declared, unimpressed.

Spike frowned at that. He shrugged. "Well, you got me there." He said nonchalantly. He tilted his head at her, a wicked grin on his face. "Not complaining about it though, are you?" He was prowling toward her now, lacking his usual grace but still with every bit of promise.

Buffy felt herself freeze, caught in the heat of his stare. She put on a brave face. " ... _Yes_ , I am. Hence the complaint?" She said.

Chuckling softly, he shook his head. "You're a liar, Slayer. Front all that good girl and straight-lace talk all you like, but I know you. Deep down ... what you are ..." Spike ran a hand through her hair to the side of her face. It took everything she had not to lean into his touch. "What you ... want ..." His hand travelled downward to the inside of her thigh. An unwilling breath expelled out of her and he smirked.

The slayer stood there precariously, unable to move. Frustration, sadness, disgust, escape, and lust all surged together.

The disgust won. She slapped his hand away. "Spike, please. I have to ... Dawn needs dinner."

"Needn't worry about the Nibblet." Spike said softly, moving closer again. "We can make it quick ..." His voice sounded close to her ear and it send shivers down her spine.

Buffy stared ahead miserly. Everything in her life since she came back from the dead had just been so _hard_. She had absolutely no idea what she was doing with anything even sleeping with Spike ... but that was the only time she had solace. A evil, soulless thing giving her solace. It was shameful and disgusting and confusing and she couldn't even stop, as weak as she was letting him doing this _again_ —

The blonde's slayer eyes fluttered shut, feeling his lips on her neck. Yet, on the precipice and about to fall off ... Dawn came back. Her little sister she hadn't been there for who told her being locked away in jail wasn't any different than now. Then her confession to Tara, the overwhelming disgust and self-hatred in that rock-bottom moment that she would feel all again when this was over...

 _"No."_ Buffy said. She pushed the vampire off, a certain firmness now.

Spike paused, surprise on his face. The blonde met his questioning stare with a steady gaze and walked past him, the fast food gripped tightly in her hands.

It took everything in her to deny him, but she did.

"See you tonight." He called back.

Buffy kept walking.

 **####**

"Dawn?" Buffy called, entering her house. Looking around, she caught a glimpse of her little sister moving about in the kitchen.

"Buffy?" Dawn met her from the kitchen sink. She looked like she had been doing dishes.

The blonde slayer gave a fragile smile. "Hey." Buffy sat down by the island and reached into the bag. "Got dinner. Doublemeat medley. One in a million Buffy-blended special." As she made a move to hand it to her, she noticed her sister staring at her blankly. "Okay, m-maybe not in one in million as in Buffy-made, but I _swear_ this one came out really good." She rushed to say, nervous.

Dawn looked uncomfortable. "Buffy ... I already made myself a grilled cheese." She must've immediately deflated because her little sister turned even more guilty. "I-It's just it was late. I was hungry earlier and I-I didn't know if you would ..."

 _Be here._

Her sister's unspoken words hung so sharply in the air it didn't even need to be said.

Guilt surged afresh in the slayer, but she nodded. "Oh! Oh, it's fine. I'll just, uh, y'know ... put it in the fridge. Maybe you can eat it tomorrow." Recognizing the somewhat disgusted look in Dawn's eyes, she hurriedly added, "Or m-maybe Willow will eat it." The familiar sense of failure was setting in now, heavy and compressing.

"Willow's asleep already." Dawn gave her a look that was almost pitying which really didn't help. "Thanks though, Buffy. Really. I know you've been busy with the ... patrolling and stuff." The brunette's words were sympathizing, but the slayer knew she wasn't imagining the tension in the air.

 _And stuff._ Buffy thought ashamedly, not even able to meet her eyes. "Dawn ..."

"I'm gonna go to bed." The teenager was withdrawing. "You should get some sleep too. I mean, fighting vampires all night ... wears you out, right?"

Not even able to apologize or ask her if she did her homework or be the _one_ telling to her to go to bed like like any real decent guardian would do, Buffy just watched sadly as her little sister turned and headed upstairs, shutting her out again for the hundredth time.

 _And that's more than Strike 3 ... there should be more strikes._

The blonde slayer sighed and buried her face in her hands. Self-loathing flared up again. She was letting down Dawn. She was letting down herself.

 _What's even the point?_ Pure weariness seeped through Buffy. She couldn't do anything right and it was even harder to care. She had _died_ , after all. She shouldn't even be here. It was exhausting to care, if she couldn't even stop messing up. She was so weary and tired and just _burned out_. Why wasn't any of this getting better?

Sitting there alone, staring at nothing, Buffy felt coldness and that sharp, overwhelming need. The urge to hide. From herself, from the world, from ... _life._ A image of Spike burned in the back of her mind and with it the anguish, the guilt, the ... _weakness_ ...

She didn't know anymore if she wasn't going to Spike tonight.

 _ **####**_

The days rolled on. Buffy continued to do the patrolling, the mediocre job, the work of humor and pretense in their ocassional friend get-togethers and barely felt any of it. She managed to strike up at least semi-conversations with Dawn, but nothing that resolved their issues. On top of that she almost got fired for saving a customer getting attacked by a Harmanuman demon. Every day just felt the same. Nothing got worse... but nothing got better either.

Things finally started to stir a bit. There was a series of brutal murders that included kidnapping and then bodies being found eaten alive. This time Buffy found she was able to connect a bit more to the seriousness of it. Hitting the books with the gang they discovered it to be from a Taroaka demon. They usually nest in large groups and repopulated like crazy. They were known in the olden days to hide out in large caves in deserted areas, kidnapping and dragging away any lost soul to feast on their bones. They usually didn't kill so much all at once ... but now? Looks like they were stepping up.

Buffy tracked the Taroaka demon's trail to an isolated cave by the beach. Her instinctive urge was to wipe out the nest by herself. She was used to slaying alone these days ... but even with her friends' issues and _her_ issues, she wasn't stupid enough to think she could kill these kind of demons single-handedly. So the gang all came ... and Spike. _Unfortunately_ Spike.

Chaos surrounded her as they stood in the heart of Taroaka demons, fighting for their lives. Buffy cut through several efficiently and cleanly. Soon there were only a few stragglers left. As her friends took care of those, the slayer squared off against the leader. He was one of the more ancient demons with a name of Sumutar, sophisticated and arrogant. The two battled ferociously, blows and wounds exchanged and just as Buffy would've dealt the finishing blow ... he disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Buffy gritted her teeth. "Never been a fan of the parlor tricks, Sumy!" She called. She looked around warily, bracing herself for a sneak attack.

"Don't bother." Spike appeared just behind her, slightly more beat up than he normally would be, and grimaced. "He's gone. Taroaka-style grand exit. What they do."

"Pfft! Who's still into that showy smoke stuff?" Xander huffed, waving his hand. Turning serious quickly, he shook his head. "He's already gonna be leaving town."

Willow frowned. "W-well, maybe we can catch to up to him before that. Buffy messed him up pretty bad ..."

"Oh, he's _long_ gone." Anya piped up, absolute certainty in her voice. "It's Sumutar. Anytime he gets found out, he disappears. Big sense of self-preservation." She explained.

"So ... that's a no on the catching?" Xander said lamely.

Spike narrowed his eyes slightly. "Sounds like you got something on the poof, pet ..." He said carefully, tone pointed.

"Mostly stories. I ran into him once in on my vengeance demon days some five hundreds ago. He massacred an entire fishing village. Real-old world demon." The ex-demon informed, nodding. "He has a whole bunch of secret hide-outs scattered all over the world. Every time he got discovered, he just migrated to another lair."

Buffy's head snapped at this. She turned around slowly and faced the other blonde, intent and serious. "Anya ... tell me everything you know about the lairs."

 _ **####**_

"Are you sure, Buffy ...?"

Willow's tentative voice drew the slayer's attention. Her, Xander, and Anya sat in front of her at the table of the Magic Box. They all watched her closely now and though none of them said it, the silent question hung in the air from each of them.

Buffy kept her face controlled. "One of Sumutar's holes in the ground is in L.A. After the wailing I gave him, that's where he's gonna go. It's the closest."

"Yeah, but Buff ... do you really need to take the weekend trip?" Xander queried, frowning. "L.A.'s Angel's territory. He can take of it."

Willow nodded vigorously. "Right. You can call him ... Make sure he keeps a look-out." The witch was trying to be reassuring, but her nervousness was clear.

The blonde stared at her friends, resigned. They weren't going to say it, but they didn't want her around Angel. She couldn't even blame them.

" ... Sumutar escaped. I can't just let him get away and do whatever he wants." Buffy justified.

"Or ,y'know, you're just stressed out with Sunnydale and want to get away from us again for the comfort and Anglo-Irish chivalry I'm told he's renowned for." Anya stated, utterly matter-of-fact. Oblivious to the accusing glare Willow shot her and Xander's resigned look, she shrugged. "I would understand this."

The slayer stiffened. She stared hard at the ex-vengeance demon. " ... Sumutar is _my_ fight. I'm going to Los Angeles to track him down and _finish_ him." Her voice carried air of authority, but behind it there was a trickle of guilt. Anya's remark didn't hit a nerve, but it did graze one.

Willow and Xander knew better than to argue. The uneasy concern in their eyes, though, didn't alleviate one bit.

Buffy turned to Willow. "Wil, will you look after Dawn for a couple days?"

"Of course." Willow agreed instantly. There was a glimmer of shame in her eyes and the slayer knew she was remembering the night she took Dawn with her to see Rack. Buffy couldn't deny she was still wary over her best friend's mental state, especially considering the issues between her and Tara, but Wil seemed to be doing better. She was still on the magic patch anyway.

 _Better than me, at least._

The dark thought skittered through Buffy's brain before she could help it. If only there could be a patch for _her_ addiction. If only...

Xander was giving her a resigned expression. Looking like he was holding back a sigh, he nodded. "We'll do the patrolling."

"Take Spike with. Keep him busy."

"Ah, yes. Keep Spike from Buffy. Keep him from stalking you to L.A and starting crap with Angel. You, Buffy, who he still has no chance in _hell_ with." Xander recited matter-of-factly, smiling sardonically. "Did I do good?"

The slayer radiated discomfort. She smiled stiffly. "Takes all the awards..."

Xander nodded, looking proud. "I got your back."

Awkwardness growing steadily faster, Buffy suddenly found it unbearable to stand in front of them. "I'm gonna head out. Get on that ... track-y thing." She said lamely, already turning to go. She didn't glance back as she made her way to the back of the Magic Box.

"Taking a dip back in Angel's side of the pasture now, are we?"

Buffy hadn't taken more than one foot out the door when she glanced over to see Spike. She looked away, giving a frustrated groan. "You're like _Velcro_." She grumbled.

"Heard you. In there." The bleached blonde vampire looked more sober than usual. "Don't see why you can't forget about one little demon and leave Angel the mess. Bloke leaves behind plenty of his own, that's for bloody sure." He regarded her flatly. "Or is this impromptu trip to L.A. for canoodling and then 'The One Great Snog'?"

Buffy. Avoids _one_ complex situation. Just finds another. "It's unfinished business." She said simply.

Spike cocked his head, eyes narrowed warily. "The demon or Angel?"

Buffy threw him a glare. It was the demon, but she didn't want to give Spike the satisfaction of thinking she felt she had to explain herself to him. " _My_ business, Spike." She replied curtly, walking away.

The vampire watched her a second, scowling, before he sighed and shook his head. "I could pick up Sumutar's scent. Should be able to track him to whatever sinkhole he's got down there."

"You're not coming with me, Spike."

"Well, you don't think I'm just gonna let you go alone, do you?" Spike responded, incredulous.

Frustration rising, Buffy whirled on him. " _Yes_! You _are_. I'm gonna do my job away from here and you're gonna be somewhere ... _away_." She gave an irritable pout. Ugh, she _so_ didn't want to deal with Spike right now. Why couldn't he ever just leave her alone?

"And I do, what?" He scoffed. "Stay with your damned Scoobies while you and Captain Forehead play that soddin' broken record? Not bloody likely!" Spike argued, disdainful.

Buffy clenched her fist, her knuckles burning with the urge to strike. The only thing holding her back was his black eye from that alley. "I _mean it,_ Spike. "

The bleached blonde vampire was unintimidated by her icy stare. He frowned, almost thoughtfully. Slowly a smirk spread across his face. " ... You're _afraid_."

 _"What?"_ Buffy growled.

"It's not that you don't want me hanging around you. It's that you don't want me hanging around _Angel_. Worried I'm gonna spill all our dirty little secrets. Or _worse_ ... he figures it out on his own." Spike sounded near-gleeful. "You can't tell your friends about us. Can't even tell yourself half the time. But _him_ ... can't even go there, can you, pet? Can't even think it."

His voice was so smug and frighteningly gentle that Buffy almost flinched. The constant dull feeling of a pit in her stomach was suddenly an abyss, deep and bottomless. Once again the slayer could only marvel at how well this soulless vampire knew her. How he could just see right through her, hitting every ugly truth she thought was buried beyond reach.

"There is no us." The slayer barely stopped her voice from shaking.

"It'd be hard telling that to Angel." Spike countered. He tilted his head. "I wonder what he'd think of you ... all the things you've done ... with _me_ ... His perfect little sunshine girl, embodiment of all that is good and pure ..." He drawled. He smirked cruelly. "He wouldn't be able to look at you the same, would he? Knock you right off that pedestal from all the way on top of bloody _Mt. Everest_ , isn't that right?"

Buffy tried not to react, but the words tuned her worst fears. Her heart clenched. What _would_ Angel think of her? If he knew even a fraction of what she's done with Spike, what she's become ... would he look at her and still see the woman he loved? She didn't even know anymore. Everything Angel had loved about her, everything she used to be was gone now. She saw it every time she looked in the mirror. The fact that she didn't even know if he could ... Buffy despaired at the very thought.

Unable to bear another second, the blonde slayer hurried to leave. The vampire didn't force her to stay nor follow after. Instead he stood there, watching.

"Of course, you would still have me, pet. Always me!"

If possible, a little bit of Buffy died inside even more.

 _ **####**_

A wiser, more emotionally stable person would've contacted Angel and his friends right away for help against this demon, stopping by his work as soon as they arrived in L.A.

That wiser, emotionally stable person was not Buffy.

Buffy had showed up in Los Angeles soon enough. Instead of going to her ex though, she had started out on her own. She had told herself many things. That Sumutar was still strictly her business, in Angel's city or otherwise. That she could find him without the souled vampire's now-how of the city based on her living here for most of life and the vague recollections she had of the demon bars and old haunts from her first year as a slayer. She justified it in all the very reasonable, logical, cool and calm way only she would justify it.

But the _truth_?

Buffy was avoiding Angel. It just didn't feel right to see him. The last meeting after her ressurrection had been ... maybe not completely disastrous at the time, but with everything that happened since, hindsight certainly changed things. She had told him her emptiness coming back from the dead. She had let Angel do his thing and try to help her with it. She had told him she felt better. She rejected Angel staying in Sunnydale for a little bit because she didn't trust herself around him. Between that night and a month later her life was even more in tatters and she ended up screwing Spike in a collapsing building. And then everything after _that_ ...

Deep shame pricked Buffy as she thought of Angel and her secret affair with Spike. For her to become reduced to this with a soulless vampire, with _Spike_ ... she couldn't even begin to imagine how that would make him feel. At least Angel was good. At least Angel had a _soul_. What was that against an evil, soulless thing that kept _claiming_ he loved her? She couldn't understand herself how she got here, how could Angel? Seeing him now, even if she did everything she could for him to not find out about her and Spike, would still leave that sick feeling in her gut. Like it was wrong. Like _she_ was wrong.

Even before she hadn't wanted to contact Angel. Maybe this mission partly was to get away from Sunnydale ... but not for Angel comfort. Any comfort he could give this time would be too tainted by shame and she wouldn't be able to tell him why.

Buffy didn't want to admit how deeply Spike's words about Angel not seeing her the same if he found out the truth had shaken her. That maybe that was the real reason she wasn't going to face him. She wouldn't admit that. She _couldn't._

Even with her turmoil and a rampant feeling of unworthiness that detered her from even standing in front of Angel, common sense eventually pulled it's head up from her sea of self-loathing. Her hazy memory of L.A. demon bars weren't good enough. She hadn't managed to get any information out of beating and throttling demons. She needed better resources, those more familiar with the place. Her slayer solo mission of one ... unfortunately couldn't be solo.

Buffy walked out of her last demon bar with a heavy sigh, shoulders slumped. She was so burned out now she wasn't sure if even seeing Angel would make her feel anything.

All her dark thoughts swarmed over her. Her fears about seeing her ex again, what he would think of her and Spike, her dismal view of herself, life, and just _Spike_... The slayer sighed again.

 _There's no way this can possibly get worse ..._

* * *

~~Angel~~

Angel stood awkwardly to the side, watching Cordelia. Nervous energy fizzed throughout his body. He still felt ... _weird_ from that possession that got the two of them back at the Giselle ballet. He had intended to have a quiet and fun evening with his friends (he supposed he should've known better) only for it to get ruined by a wizard orchestrating the ballet and the spirits of a secret couple. They solved it, sure, and everyone for the most part came out physically unscathed ... but he wished he could say the same for his mind.

He just couldn't get their possession out of his head. The feeling of kissing Cordelia, of touching her was still electric in his mind. It rattled him. The souled vampire could admit he had thought of doing things like that with her before especially lately ... but he _definitely_ hadn't intended that. It should've happened differently, if it would ever happen at all. But now that it had ...

A sudden feeling of alienation swept over Angel. He wasn't ... _good_ at these things. All he did was overthink everything. Even now there was doubt. Starting something with Cordelia? Why? He still had a curse. He was still a vampire. It's not like he'd give her anything or any woman anything. In over two hundred years he only had one serious relationship and he self-destructed it horriblly.

 _'You just have to act, Angel. Let her know what's brewin' inside. 'Cause, man, it's real and you don't wanna miss that shot!'_

Lorne's encouraging words from before the ballet filtered in his mind. A certain calm came over Angel then. That's all he ever did, miss his shots. A flicker of hope ignited. Maybe Cordelia wouldn't be another shot he missed. Maybe she could be different ... if he made it. Maybe ...

Angel approached Cordelia, a warm smile on his face.

"Do you think I can still return it?" Cordelia asked, wiping her dusty dress. Her hair was disheveled and sticking out in all angles along with her slightly tattered dress, but he still thought she looked beautiful. The seer shook his head. "Because _otherwise_ we're gonna have to take it on a lot more cases."

"Cordy."

The brunette waved her hand, looking weary. "Yknow, we should probably just _not_ ... talk about our little adventure." She punctuated the words with a nervous laugh. "Anything that might've been seen, anything that might've been ... perky." She carried on lamely, laughing awkwardly.

Triggered, the souled vampire turned away uncomfortably. "I just wanna pretend it never happened."

Cordelia nodded heartily. _"Exactly!"_

"Wipe it from my memory." Angel stated, shaking his head. _Well, maybe not ... wiped ... exactly._ He couldn't help but think traitorously.

"What?" Cordy looked alarmed. Her brow scrunched in a frown. "Was it, like, _disgusting_?" She sounded a bit dismayed.

"No!" He said hurriedly. Self-conscious, Angel back-tracked. "I, ah ... I would, I would just want ..." Cordelia was staring at him with an incredulous look and that didn't help his nerves at all. " ... If we were too ... I would just want it to be ... _new_. Start at the beginning." Was any of that even English?

Cordelia blinked blankly. She shook her head. "Lost me in the middle."

Nervousness bubbled in Angel and he almost stopped there. He took a deep, unneeded breath. It was now or never. "Cordy. You and I, we've been working together for ... a long time." Cordy scoffed, nodding, and he quickly clarified, "What I mean is ... you've become a truly extraordinary woman." He told her sincerely. The seer looked down, touched. "I mean, I know we haven't always gotten along, but I think that, y'know, we ..." Angel caught something in the corner of his eye and froze up on the spot. A lump formed in his throat. " ... _Buffy?_ " He choked out.

Cordy frowned deeply. Heads of his friends swiveled in unison where he was looking ... and there stood the blonde slayer in the entrance to the Hyperion.

She locked gazes with him and stiffened, getting a wide-eyed look he knew was completely identical to his own.

Time must've stopped. Everything suddenly was fading, every coherent thought of his gone. All he could do was stare at her _._

Buffy looked around nervously, taking in the shocked faces of him and his team. At last she gave an awkward smile. _"..._ Hiya."

* * *

 **A/N:** **That's the beginning! ;) I may go back and edit it a bit later, but it's the basic gist. It just struck me how completely different Angel and Buffy's lives were in the first part of their respective seasons. I think it would've been really great writing to see the clash and drama+character growth that could've come out of this instead of bringing back boring old Riley and maybe they even originally intended it that way if not for the networks restricting crossovers. That is a shame, but I will definitely work with this! :D**

 **I hope the Cangel at the beginning wasn't awkward? I felt awkward writing it because C/A is just so weird to me. It's strange to see Angel pine for someone that's not Buffy, much weirder than Buffy in other relationships lol. Writing S3 Angel w/ Buffy is a bit of a challenge. There was absolutely no insight in Angel's mind on what he thought or felt over Buffy during this time. I don't know if he genuinely thought he was over her and only realized he wasn't by "Chosen" or never even assumed he was and just grew to love Cordy at the same time which was why he was still so flirty and confident in his feelings for Buffy in the finale. Even as a Bangel fan I consider that bad writing that needed clarification. Now I have to wing it lol. Cangel will definitely get justice in this fic because I know Angel did love her, even if it'll be B/A major (can't really see it any other way canon-wise tbh).**

 **This short fic is split into two parts: first-parter Angel "episode" and the second parter a Buffy one. Our poor Buffy is going to be going through a very hard time in this fic, especially in the beginning ... but Angel will get his turn. Oh, _believe me_ , he will _get_ his turn. ;) **

**This story is my blatant guilty pleasure (honoring the show's 20th anniversary! :D). It will be a clusterfuck of angst and drama, all the while keeping the canon with the shows and ships, and it's too bad Joss didn't ever write something like this because I know his sadistic ass would have fun with it too lol.**

 **NEXT CHAPTER:** Buffy arrives at the Hyperion for help to take down Sumutar. Even as complicated as Buffy had imagined it to be she quickly finds out other things are not as they seem. Meanwhile, Angel's emotional state is completely unbalanced by the surprise appearance of Buffy. Old feelings and fears resurface, caught in an intense tug-of-war between her and his newly complicated relationship with Cordelia...

 ** _Reviews, favorites, follows welcome! :)_**


	2. Expectations, Meet Reality

**A/N:** Thanks to everyone that liked the start. I'm kinda nervous about this fic. There's a lot to balance and factor in canonically for this scenario so I have to actually put thought to this. My intention is never just to represent BA, but also other ships and the shows themselves. I find that important. A Buffy/Angel crossover at this point in time would've been as brilliant as it is overwhelming and I just want to make sure it's all done right lol.

Let the games begin ... ;)

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Angel or Buffy. If I did, they would've been a lot more crossovers between the two shows, the Scooby Gang would realize how much Cordy and Wesley changed, and Cordelia as a character would've gotten a lot more respect past getting raped (mind and body) and her truest love interests never choosing her.**

 _ **Open to Constructive Criticism/OCCness thoughts!**_

* * *

 _Expectations, Meet Reality_

~~Angel~~

Angel's attention locked on Buffy, as still as a statue. He couldn't tear his eyes away from her, but he couldn't move. Overwhelming emotion seized him at the sight of her and he couldn't find words.

 _Buffy is ... how is she ... she's here?_

That didn't make sense to him somehow. It was _impossible_ for Buffy to be here. Here she was standing right in front of him, sun-kissed skin and beautiful, and his mind so broke by shock he couldn't find it real.

The silence started to stretch. Already Buffy was trying to back out the door, a deeply uncomfortable look on her face. "I should've called. This is a call thing." She mumbled.

"No." Angel responded instinctively, finding his bearings enough to meet her. Buffy stopped, turning with an uneasy look. "You're always ... " Words failed him a moment when they stood face-to-face. He cleared his throat. "... I-it's good to see you." He finally said, awkward and a bit shaky.

Buffy stared at him like she didn't know what to say.

"Buffy ...?" Fred whispered to the others, tasting the word.

Realization filled Gunn's face. "Hold up. Isn't that—"

 _"Buffy."_ Cordelia said in a clipped voice. She was watching the ex-lovers interact with crossed arms, not seeming thrilled.

Angel didn't notice, busy drinking Buffy in. She was dressed in a modest but tight-fitting white long-sleeve and black leggings that hugged all her curves. A purple knit scarf was around her neck and she had on tan knee-high boots. The very first thing he noticed though was her hair, styled now in a layered bob with darker highlights.

"You cut your hair."

He meant it as a compliment. It didn't have the expected effect.

Buffy's gaze shadowed. She touched her hair gingerly. " ... Yeah." She said through a thin smile.

 _There's something different about her._ Angel thought absently. He unconsciously inhaled her scent and nearly flinched in surprise at the overpowering reek of grease and processed meats (burgers?) that burned his sensitive vampiric nostrils. There was _another_ smell on her too. Something vaguely familiar, but too overwhelmed by the other scents for him to tell what it was ...

There was the sound of a throat clearing. The vampire glanced back. Cordelia was looking at them pointedly, eyebrows raised with a fake smile.

Suddenly Angel remembered the other people in the room. Suddenly Angel remembered _everything_.

"So. _This_ is the full Fang Gang..." Buffy strided over to meet his friends. Angel, feeling less comfortable in this situation now, trailed after.

Fred rushed forward to meet her first, a bright and friendly smile on her face. She immediately stuck out her hand. "Hi, I'm Winifred Burkle. People just call me Fred. You must be Buffy!"

Buffy looked a bit overwhelmed by her eagerness. She nodded. "Is me." She said lamely, not taking her hand.

"Gunn. Two n's." Gunn held up two fingers.

Lorne came forward. "Honor of all honors." He said humbly, dipping his head to her in great esteem. "Krevlornswath of the Deathwok Clan. But I prefer to go by Lorne."

Buffy's uncomfortable turned wide-eyed look at his full name relaxed. "I prefer to say it." The slayer replied blithely, nodding. "Wes." The two of them nodded at each other. "And ... Cordy." She said the name with less enthusiasm, her polite smile forced.

Cordelia gave her a look, then smiled back fakely. "Buffy, hi. Love the new look. The hair really brings out your bags."

Buffy blinked, internalizing, then nodded. "Good to see you too, Cordelia." She replied wryly.

Angel watched the exchange. His discomfort deepened.

"I heard so much about you." Fred gushed. "I mean I was even locked in some deeper part of Hell not too long ago eating bark and trying to make tacos from this really tricky fungal weed and _still_ —and that's—that's a lot, isn't it? That's a lot." Noticing Buffy's alienated look, she backpedaled and smiled shyly. "Sorry .. still tryin' to ... I just heard a lot about ya."

Gunn smiled. "Still got that Texan hospitality working though." He squeezed her shoulder, then looked to Buffy. "Heard some stories about you too ... you really die?"

"Yep." The blonde said.

Gunn made a impressed face. "Respect."

"We _all_ heard a lot about you." Lorne said.

Cordelia sighed. " _Okay_. Buffy's here, Buffy exists. Oh the awe." Her tone was bitingly dismissive. She turned to Buffy. "Why are you? Y'know. _Here_?"

"Taroaka demon." The blonde slayer turned suddenly serious. "My friends and I took down a whole nest of them, but the leader managed to get away. His name's Sumutar. I ... tracked him here." She explained, her eyes straying to Angel.

Angel, deep in counting the ways Buffy being here was going to go horribly wrong, suddenly turned attentive. "Sumutar?" His quiet sense of panic quelled, replaced by business. "I've heard of him. Old. Powerful."

"As have I." Wesley looked concerned. "Known as ... _Sumutar the Survivor_."

"Yeah, well, by the time I get through with him, that nickname's gonna get stake in it." Buffy deadpanned. "He has a lot of hideouts kinda all over place and there's one here. I'm not a hundred percent on this being _his_ here, but I figured if a demon had an option between here and _Fiji_ ..."

"Fiji. In a New York minute." Lorne answered with feeling.

"You hurt him. He'd only be able to go to the next closest possible place." Angel deduced.

"Pretty much my thinking." Buffy agreed. Her gaze swept over the group, resting on Angel. "I don't know where the hideout is. I ... was hoping you could give me tips."

"And of course you just _had_ to come in person and gift us with your lovely slayer self." Cordelia's tone was bland. "Can I just say 'yeah-huh' to call thing? Like this is Angel's city. I mean, I know Angel isn't exactly the phone pro, but he can still answer!"

Buffy pouted. "It got ... away ..." The words were a whine and she gave a loud sigh. "I had to come, okay? Even if this territory has Angel's name on it, he still has on _my_ name on it." Realizing how that might've sounded, her eyes widened and she quickly added, "The _demon_."

Angel's unease had returned. He couldn't help but glance at Cordelia who just rolled her eyes.

The slayer sighed again. "I'm sorry. I know, I shouldn't have just ... dropped in. You guys don't have to help ... I-I mean, if you're busy ..." She looked so weary and unconfident and everything _not_ Buffy that it suddenly struck Angel she had been acting skittish since the moment she got here.

"We're not." The vampire said quickly. "Sumutar might be here. We'll look for him together."

The words were reflex more than anything else and the second they left his mouth, his apprehension spiked. Should he have said no? He could've said they were working and give her directions. Maybe get back to her later ... It just _really_ wasn't a good idea for Buffy to be here. He had been glad to see her ... at first. But now ...

Only Angel knew he could never send Buffy away if she needed him. So the vampire braced himself, held the breath he didn't have, and waited for the shoe to drop ...

"It's a real shame I don't still have my bar. Caritas? Information hotspot." Lorne looked wistful and a bit bitter too, but willed it away with a smile. "Luckily I still get a few connections up the old sleeve. I'll go out, see if they got anything on a Sumutar."

Grateful at least for action, Angel nodded. "Any Taroaka would work too. They like to travel in groups." He looked to his other friends. "Wes, Fred, Gunn, hit the research. We need as much on him and his species as we got."

"Did that part back in Sunnydale." Buffy chipped in. "We got motive down and all that Taoroaka, bone-feasting goodness."

"You might've missed something." Angel pointed out. Finally addressing the thing he most wanted to avoid ... he turned awkwardly to Cordelia. "Cordelia, can you ...?" He said it as carefully as he possibly could, so self-aware of everything it was painful.

Cordelia rolled her eyes and nodded. "Check on Connor." She let out a short scoff. "Please! Doing that anyway." She threw Angel and Buffy a very pointed look before walking away.

Buffy frowned. "Connor?"

Panic swept over Angel. _No! Not like this._ He didn't want that shoe to drop, not now.

"A client!" Lorne said hurriedly. "Poor sob got put in a mystical coma. Had an affair with his girl's _sister_. We're talking _Godfather_ , we're talking _Casablanca_ , fem edition. Nasty little vengeance demon." He gave a short, quick laugh. "Hell have no fury like a women scorned, amiright?"

Buffy frowned hard at the demon. " ... Try looking for a pendant. Vengeance demons wear them sometimes. Break it and it'll undone the wish." She said at last.

Immediate relief crashed down on Angel, grateful for Lorne's sensitivity—and theatrics. He spared a glance at his other friends. None looked like they were going to correct him, though none looked okay with it either. _I'll tell her._ Angel promised them silently, desperate. _Just ... not yet._

The dread in his chest though told him that _'yet'_ was very soon.

Before Buffy could get the chance to start asking questions, Angel drew her eye. They exchanged a meaningful look and then walked as one. The vampire hesitated, giving one last uncomfortable look in the direction of Cordelia and Connor, before they went to talk privately.

Angel had never been good at _"talking"_ with Buffy.

Now he remembered why he avoided it.

* * *

The Fang Gang still stood in middle of the lobby. They watched as Angel and the slayer disappeared out of the hall upstairs, clearly heading in the direction of his room. All of them, even Lorne and Gunn were quiet, processing the magnitude of what just took place.

"So that's the little blonde thing Angel was so nuts over." Gunn commented. He shook his head. "Gotta say, I can see why." He admitted.

Fred was frowning. "It's hard to believe she's real." Off the team's looks, she quickly turned embarrassed. "I-I mean obviously, y'know, what with the whole _Romeo + Juliet_ thing ... Nicholas Sparks ... The 'ooh', the 'awe', the pain. Angel always acted funny when the name came up." She acknowledged. "But actually _seeing_ her, it's like ... meeting Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. Isn't it like that?"

Gunn nodded. "Been here almost three years. First time meeting her myself."

"Third to that party." Lorne pitched in, raising his hand.

"Yes, well. I wish their reunion could be more joyous." Wesley cast a sympathetic look back after Angel and Buffy. "It's fair to say I don't envy Angel at the moment."

"You can say that again." Lorne agreed.

Gunn snorted. "What, you mean telling his ex his literal Evil Baby Mama popped out a miracle bun? No way Angel's gonna absolutely gonna find a way to mess up a bomb like that, right?" He snarked, scathing. Wesley grimaced.

"Oh, we all _wish_ it was that simple." The Pylean's eyes were filled with deep unease.

Fred looked perplexed at first. "Oh! You mean him and Cordy?"

"Not just Cordy, Texas Sugar." Lorne looked even more grim. "Our Slayer Beauty over there? ... Woza!"

Fred and Gunn were still confused.

Wes's gaze, however, glinted with thought. "Lorne ..." The ex-watcher paused, gauging him very carefully. "Lorne, did you _read_ her?"

Lorne nodded heavily. "Enough to burn off some neurons. That aura is one packing punch of—" He broke off with an overwhelmed shake of his head. "Angelcakes is gonna be ... oh _boy_." He shook his head again, downing his Sea Breeze in one shot.

Wesley looked thoughtful. "She did seem a bit off."

Gunn shrugged. "Girl died and came back. Baggage like that, of course she'd have issues."

"Well, judging from the size of the jackhammer now pounding away in my skull, I'd say _'Understatement'_!" Lorne said sarcastically, glaring at him.

" _That_ bad?" Fred asked.

The Pylean gave a half-incredulous, half-scornful snort. "Prepare yourself. This is gonna make _Days_ _of Our Lives_ when Mickey found out about the baby look like a _picnic_." With a final meaningful look, Lorne started to walk away. "All I hope for is being nowhere _near_ Mr. Broody Pants when that volcano erupts."

The remaining team watched the demon leave the Hyperion, unsure what to think.

"Huh. From the sound of things, I may just need popcorn." Gunn deadpanned.

"It appears this all came at a bad time." Wesley said.

"I'll say." Fred looked between them worriedly. "Is Buffy gonna be okay with him and Cordy? They just seem to be really hitting it off lately. It's kinda been looking like Angel's starting to move on."

"Didn't look all that moved on when he saw her." Gunn said. He paused, a frown on his face. "Dude can't be hung up forever, can he?"

Wesley stared ahead calmly. "It's Buffy. We don't question it." The ex-watcher then walked away, getting started on research.

Gunn and Fred exchanged a skeptical look, but didn't say more and followed.

* * *

~~Angel~~

Angel watched Buffy uneasily in his room. Not a single word between them had been spoken yet. He still stood at the door, instinctively not wanting to go further. The room was thick with tension. Angel couldn't tell how much of it was because of him or her.

The vampire searched for words. All escaped him. Angel felt helpless. How could he tell her about Connor? How could he even begin to explain ... ? It was all so much and _Buffy_ was too much. He didn't even know where to start.

Angel wasn't ashamed of Connor. Never. He just didn't want to hurt her. Buffy deserved to know, but ... she was going to be hurt. Even if he was a person better with delicate matter likes this, that was inevitable. It didn't make it any easier.

"So ..." Angel began after a stretch of silence.

" _So_ ..." Buffy echoed.

"You're here." Angel said.

"I'm here." The slayer nodded, a tight smile on her face.

The vampire struggled to control his nerves. "Could've used a warning." He said at last.

Buffy's face darkened. She looked down. "I'm sorry about that." She replied quietly, her tone so soft and apologetic Angel wished he had said something else. "I, um, ... didn't know if I was coming."

Angel wished she hadn't, but her still too soft voice and hesitant face called to him, overriding all complications in the face of deep concern. Something wasn't right.

"Nice room." Buffy mentioned suddenly in a little too bright tone, stopping him as he opened his mouth to speak. She seemed to deliberately turn away from his searching gaze. "Very ... Angel-ly." She plopped down on the edge of his bed and faced him again. "I can see why you picked this place. Wide, open spaces, a garden, the not so with the times. It's a lot like your old mansion, but more ... _human_ -friendly."

This was nothing new. They talked about everything except what they needed to talk about. "It's Cordy. She's been putting in flowers and wallpapers." Angel answered, walking over. "She says I'm not ... _personable_."

"Why would anyone ever think that?" Buffy quipped. Her teasing look quickly faded, but she gave a tiny smile. "It's good. _Everything_ here's good. Your new friends seem nice. You have their whole own thing here now ... I'm glad."

Her smile didn't reach her eyes ... like it hadn't then, in their last meeting. She had been desolate and hopeless, crying in his arms and lamenting over being ripped from Heaven into a life she couldn't handle anymore. He had done the best to comfort her. He had left that night thinking she was better, that he had helped ... so what was that look in her eye now? It wasn't like before, but wasn't _her_ either. Last time her eyes had been empty. Now they were shadowed.

Unease rippled through Angel. Did she somehow already know about Connor? _Cordelia_?

"How've you been since ...?" He couldn't entirely hide his anxiety.

Buffy tensed slightly. She stared down at her lap. "Complicated question." She replied, uncomfortable. Before Angel could reply, the slayer quickly continued. "Giles moved back to England. So it's just been me and Willow looking after Dawn. I'm still dealing with the last few bills from my outstanding debt collection, but I think my new job can cover those."

"Doublemeat Place?" Angel guessed. He watched Buffy's eyes round and clarified. "I can smell the burgers. It's overpowering." He managed not to grimace.

The slayer looked horrified. "I _smell._ "

Angel ignored it. "Buffy ..." He began, approaching.

"It goes away. It's from the grill ... _mostly_ , but I'm not gonna be on the grill anymore—" The blonde said in a fluster.

"Buffy."

Buffy's jaws finally snapped shut. She stared up at him, pouting. "It _goes_ _away_." She said plaintively.

Angel smiled despite himself and sat down beside her. "Are you okay?" He finally asked, tone gentle.

Buffy didn't reply, seeming to have rocketed back to reality as she avoided his eyes again.

"Last time I saw you ..." Angel trailed off, eying her in concern as that depressing reunion came back.

The slayer looked up at him. Something flashed in her eyes. "Better. I mean the first few weeks after that night were ... were rough ..." She shifted uncomfortably, looking down again a second. "But it _is_. Better." She said more firmly. "Honestly, Angel, I'm—I'm dealing. The worst's over." She gave a reassuring smile.

Angel stared at her unsurely. He wanted to believe her. Otherwise ... why _wouldn't_ she tell him? She would've called him if everything was still as bad as it had been, at _least_?

"I should've called more ..." His stomach twisted with guilt. Why _hadn't_ he? Between everything with Holtz and Darla coming back, then Connor and _Cordelia_ ... had they really grown so far apart?

Buffy shook her head. "We both have our own lives. Angel, you don't owe me anything." The slayer rose from the bed. " _Trust me_." She muttered darkly, walking away.

Angel stood up. "That's not true." He owed her everything. Back then and now.

The blonde's back was still facing him. He couldn't see her expression but by the time she turned around, it was cold. Detached. "We need to start tracking Sumutar." She crossed her arms over her chest. "I only got two days in this city. I really don't want to waste any time." Buffy said flatly.

She started to leave the room and Angel's mood went from worried to alarmed in one second flat. He quickly hurried over. "W-we'll get there ..." He assured nervously, stopping her just by the door. "First ..." He pulled her gently to face him and stared back uneasily. "Buffy ... a lot of things in my life have ... _changed_."

"Angel?" She looked apprehensive. _For good reason_ , he thinks.

The vampire turned away, not wanting to meet her eyes. "We should sit down for this." He said simply.

Buffy, a look of deep foreboding on her face, followed him back to the edge of the bed.

The two of them sat close together in silence. Grasping for words for Angel then was like grasping at straws. Worry shone in the slayer's expressive green eyes and he had equal intervals of losing himself in them and hanging his head, too intimidated.

The souled vampire took a deep, unneeded breath. "Connor." He blurted, no finesse at all.

Buffy frowned. "Your client?" She said, confused.

He'd rather be faced with a hundred demons at once than this conversation. " ... My son." Angel said quietly.

"Your _son_?" She frowned deeper. "Vampires can't have—" She saw the expression on his face and stopped short, the weight of this hitting her for the first time.

"It was part of a prophecy. None of us saw it coming, but it's true." Angel paused and gave her a deep, meaningful look, filled with conflicting emotions. "I have a son now, Buffy."

She didn't say anything for a long moment. " ... Oh." She finally said softly.

The tension was suffocating. "He was born a few months ago. Human." He told her carefully.

Another long pause. A brittle, wry smile came to Buffy's face. "... I guessing it didn't so happen to involve a visit from _Mr. Stork_." She joked weakly. Angel's silence was her answer and the slayer nodded, her smile becoming more painful. " ... So. Who's the mother?" She asked, trying not to sound hurt.

Out of everything else, telling Buffy this next part was the worst.

" ... Darla." He confessed. Buffy gave a shocked, bewildered look and Angel sighed, going into this long, _very_ long story. "Wolfram  & Hart brought her back last year human. They were trying to ... make me _evil_. She was _dying_. I tried to help her. Then Dru came to town and she—"

"She turned her." Buffy filled in the blanks.

Angel nodded wearily. "I tried putting her down, but at that point with everything I was ... It was ... _affecting_ me."

"Oh, I bet." The slayer gave a pointed look and Angel immediately ducked his head, acutely uncomfortable.

"One night she found me. It was the wrong night." The vampire wanted to stop talking, to say _anything else,_ but now that he started, the words couldn't seem to stop tumbling out. "It was just another one of her games. Didn't feel like playing anymore. We fought ... then ... y'know." He looked at her nervously, guilt and awkwardness mixing with worry over what she would think of him knowing he soulfully slept with an evil, soulless thing.

"I actually do." Buffy's tone was almost inaudibly soft.

"It's not what you think. I ... wasn't myself." Angel clarified, awkward. "I'm not proud of how, but ... Darla showed up back in L.A. nine months later, pregnant."

The blonde slayer processed that with an disconcertingly unreadable look. Slowly she stood up and moved away from him. Distancing herself?

The vampire helplessly tried to gauge her reaction. Was she hurt? Judging him?

Buffy turned back with crossed arms. "Where's Vampy Mommy Dearest now?" Her expression still gave nothing away.

"Dead." Angel said bluntly. "Staked herself the night he was born."

The slayer nodded. She had lapsed into quiet again. Angel still couldn't find even a single crack in her blank mask to tell him her true feelings and it was a strange new torture. At one point he could tell everything she felt the second he looked in her eyes. She had been a open book once. Now she was closed, protected around a hard shell of ice.

A wry (bitter?) smile cracked Buffy's face. "A little Angel jr." She paced in a circle, then turned to him. "Were you _ever_ going to plan on telling me? Or were we just gonna gloss over that major life change?" She demanded, suddenly angry.

"I was going to tell you." Angel answered anxiously, rising. "I'm still trying to ... _adjust ..._ And I-I knew you had been going through something. I-I didn't know if it was the right time yet to ..."

He tried to approach her, but the slayer backed away. "Y'know what, Angel? Let's just hurry and find Sumutar. 'Cause not _every_ person here has good job security." Her biting words burned him and before he even had a chance to reply, Buffy was leaving.

Angel watched helplessly. He just felt so distant from her now. The chasm between them only got wider each time and he didn't know how to make it stop.

 _ **####**_

The vampire trudged down the hall to Connor's room. He arrived in time to see Cordelia putting his son down for sleep.

Angel paused, hesitant as he stood outside the door. He had been hoping she had gone already. Between Buffy and what happened with him and Cordy, he wasn't ready to be alone with her.

"So how'd the talk headlined in 'I-knocked-up-an-evil-bitch-vampire-and-am-now-fighting-the-forces-of-diapers-go?" Cordelia asked casually.

She turned and saw the look on his face.

"Well, that answers that." Cordelia didn't seem surprised. "I just fed him." She looked back down at Connor. "A full stomach and our little man is gonna be out like a light." The brunette cooed, leaning over the crib.

"That's good." Angel replied absently.

Cordelia stared at him, looking exasperated. "Y'know ..." She began, rolling her eyes as she walked over. "Once Buffy gets over that big thing called _'her'_ , she'll realize she actually _likes_ him."

Angel turned stricken. _She didn't like Connor?_ He thought, hurt.

Cordy clearly realized her comment had made things worse. Her expression softened. " ... You only just told her, Angel. She'll come around." There was sympathy in her voice, but she seemed ... resigned somehow.

"She's not herself. More than just Connor." The vampire hesitated, a stab of discomfort hitting him suddenly, but quickly pushed it away. "Last time she wasn't ... _dealing_ with coming back from the dead all too well." He wouldn't go into details. He knew Buffy wouldn't want Cordy of all people to know even that much, but he didn't know what else to do.

"Buffy and a little post-mortem acting out. Here I thought she changed since high school." Cordy remarked, unimpressed.

"She says she's doing better. But she's not telling me something. I'm just not sure—"

"That she's really on the mend." The brunette finished for him.

"I thought she was going to be okay. She seemed like it, y'know, _after,_ but now ..." Angel felt completely overwhelmed by guilt. He didn't know, but even that there was the possibility ... could he really have been so wrong? He shook his head. "I should've checked in on her. Should've ... reached out ..."

"And stop your life for hers?" Cordelia's incredulous words took Angel by surprise. She stared back challengingly. "Yeah. You _actually_ have a life. A life where you can't just drop everything and come running to Buffy every time she breaks a nail. Y'know, like a business? _Us_? And now _Connor_!" Her words were loaded with meaning.

"I know." Angel said.

"Clearly you don't!" Cordy huffed. "I swear, anything to do with Buffy and you act like—" She stopped short, seeming to think better of it.

"Act like what?" Angel felt suddenly apprehensive.

Cordelia sighed and looked at him. "Like ... you're still her boyfriend." She said at last, resigned.

That hit Angel like a gut-punch. "I _don't_." He bit out.

Cordy crossed her arms and gave a sardonic look. "You _really_ do."

 _Do I?_ He didn't mean to ... especially to _Cordelia._ Hearing this from her of all people stung and made him guilty, though he didn't know if he _should_ be guilty and he just felt so out of depth. He wanted to tell her it wasn't so simple. But he didn't know what she felt and honestly didn't even know what _he_ really felt so kept the battle in.

"I guess I just thought ... with _Connor_ ... that you got past some stuff, that's all." Cordy stated simply.

 _Past what? Buffy?_

"Cordy, I ... I'm just ... I-I-I'm _concerned_ ... You don't know what she's been going through." Angel tried to explain.

"Technically, neither do you." Cordelia pointed out. "And maybe that's not bad?" She frowned at him. "Okay, say Buffy _is_ still in a bad spot. We all go through _something_. But she's a big, strong slayer. She'll find a way out of it." The brunette assured. "I know this is probably _sacrilege_ to you ... but you _don't_ need to stop time or move mountains to solve every one of her problems."

Angel didn't know what to say. He knew she was right. Things had changed now. He had a life of his own and a son and responsibilities that all had nothing to do with her, particularly Connor and being a father. Maybe knowing was the painful part. Because he still felt guilty. He _shouldn't_ feel guilty ... but he did.

Cordelia could tell what he was thinking. She always seemed to somehow without words. She gave him a long look. Was that _disappointment_ in her eyes?

"Angel. I'm saying this to you because I'm your friend. You _can't_ blame yourself every time something in Buffy's life goes wrong just because you weren't there. It's not healthy." She declared in a level tone. "You're not Buffy's loser-Sunnydale Angel anymore." She moved closer, putting her hands on her chest. Her expression was firm and meaningful. "I know how much you _literally_ live in the past ... but try the present. Maybe you'll like it."

 _What's that mean?_ Angel wondered hopelessly. Her hazel eyes seemed to pierce him, their encounter still fresh in his mind, and felt the instinctive urge to be closer. Suddenly he didn't want to think or dwell. He wanted to forget everything and just know her. Them. What they could be. Pretend for a moment it was really that simple because nothing else was.

"Cordy ..." Words seized in his throat.

As if snapping out of a trance, Cordy stepped away. "I guess it's 'get back to work' time. Focus on what the _Buffy_ dragged in." A hint of irony was in her voice as the brunette turned and left.

Angel stared after. He was just so confused. A mere six hours ago he was being pushed by Lorne to pursue Cordelia and then almost having sex with Cordelia (possessed or not) all of which lead to afterwards where he tried to tell her his feelings. He had a chance to tell her again just now ... but he hadn't.

 _'I know how much you literally live in the past ... but try the present. Maybe you'll like it.'_

What did that mean? And if it meant what he wanted it to mean ... why wasn't it that easy?

* * *

~~Buffy~~

Buffy had known from the start that seeing Angel again would go badly.

No avoiding it, no salvaging it.

Like watching two incoming trains coming right at each other in slow motion until the inevitable trainwreck that would follow. It was going to happen.

Of course Buffy's idea of _'bad'_ had been her exhausting herself in a sad, desperate attempt to hide her still very real existential crisis and her sleeping with Spike from her broody ex who was far too perceptive for his own good—and a little too keen on everything Buffy. _Not_ said broody ex all of sudden having a son he didn't tell her about with his evil supposed-to-be-dead sire that once tried to kill her.

Reality really had a funny way of laughing at her.

The slayer paced a corner of the Hyperion, away from the others. She needed time alone to process the bombshell Angel so unceremoniously dropped on her and it had messed badly with her headspace.

 _Angel didn't tell me. For_ months, _he didn't ... and he wasn't_ going _to. He was going to milk this Mr. Dad thing for as long as possible if I hadn't shown up because poor, sad, 'Fragile Glass' Buffy can't_ handle _things._ She thought, rife with anger. Did he really think of her as so delicate?

It was _true_. Angel didn't say it, but he might as well have. Behind all that understanding and protective-y complex, Angel simply didn't think she had been strong enough to know the truth. That hurt and upset her and just made her _so_ mad ... maybe because it was all true.

It wasn't easy to admit. It killed her too ... but if he had told her about Connor when he was born like he should've, she _wouldn't_ have been able to deal with it—and that was what she was truly angry about. Because she _should've_ been able to deal. But she _wouldn't_ have ... and Angel _knew_ that. He knew it and she hated herself knowing he knew it.

Buffy stopped and sighed. Everything sunk in all over again and suddenly she couldn't be angry anymore. It was too much to maintain ... too exhausting. She was just ... sad. Tired.

It was hardest for Buffy to wrap her head around the Darla part in all this. All she had known about Darla before was Angel's psychotic sire/lover of over hundred years that he killed to save her ... and now of all sudden, she had been back. Terrorized him, manipulated him, all to drive him over the edge ... and he had _let_ her. He had succumbed to her soul and all because she had _that_ much power over him and somehow in this destructive, dysfunctional mess _she_ of all people became the mother of his child. An evil, soulless thing. That he slept with.

Old Buffy would be judging Angel for sleeping with Darla. Self-righteous perfect Buffy, looking at everything from her moral high ground. Angel had been expecting _that_ Buffy, but the Buffy now didn't judge him. She _wanted_ to judge him ... but she just _couldn't._ How could she? Angel had been in a dark place and did the exact same thing she was now doing with Spike. _Exactly_ the same.

She would've laughed at the irony if she wasn't asking herself how everything came to this point.

Faced with all this now, Buffy felt a crack in her heart. She had never thought too far ahead about her and Angel's future when they had been together. Not a point really. But in the brief nanosecond of a lovestruck teenager fantasizing about her and her vampire beau human and living happily with a kid someday like in some storybook fairytale ... she grieved for that teenager. Buffy was a completely different person now from that girl, but she still remembered her.

Angel in reality still wasn't human. He was still a vampire ... but with a son. A vampire with a son. He had left her so she could have a normal life and children someday, but somehow he was the one who ended up with a kid and a life more well-adjusted than hers.

 _And the irony continues..._

The realization struck something in Buffy this time so deep and buried she couldn't even recognize it. She wouldn't let herself. She banished it to some dark uncharted corner of her mind and that was a box she just wasn't opening.

 _ **####**_

"Taroaka demons are known to be reclusive. Though they stay together in large numbers, they lay rather low ..."

Wesley was deep in one of demonology books as they researched in the lobby. Angel and his friends surrounded her now, along with more books.

"Yeah, well, Sumutar and his gang got social. Five people would go missing every week ... and he wasn't exactly careful with _leftovers_." Buffy said, giving a meaningful look.

"Did you find out a _reason_?" Angel asked. "Why the sudden attention?"

"Too many chicks to feed. Or in this case, demons. The nest was ... _huge_."

Cordelia scoffed. "And his genius idea for his growing evil brood was a one-horse town like Sunnydale? Hellmouthy or not, _not_ the best buffet."

"And now he might be in big, overcrowded L.A. How's that for buffet?" Gunn said, grim.

Buffy felt a twinge of discomfort in stomach. She could only be here for two days. L.A. being L.A. was going to complicate things. "He's gonna be harder to find." She acknowledged. "I'm guessing he's not that much in the spotlight anymore. But he's hurt. That can buy us more time."

"Wait. It says here that Taroaka demons like remote, gloomy places. You said before you found him at a cave by the beach, right?" Fred raised her head from a book to look at her. "That's where we need to start. It's not gonna be too different here, especially if you really wailed on him."

"Well, I think we can cross out _'beach_ '." Cordelia said pointedly. She sighed and turned to Buffy. "How do we know this Sumutar guy is even here? He poofed out on you guys with no trace. I'm up for a bone-feasting _Leatherface_ as much as the rest of us, but if we're getting cannonballed into this by a _hunch_ —"

"He's here." Buffy cut her off, tone terse as she gave a look.

Wesley shrugged. "Very possibly. Taroaka demons can't materialize over long distances. And if he _is_ wounded ..." He said reasonably.

"It's worth keeping a look out." Fred supported, nodding.

Cordelia looked between them, still skeptical, then gave an exasperated sigh. "Okay, fine. I'll get with my inner champion. But just so y'know if this ends up being a demon no-show, _I_ get the _'I told you so'_." She gave Buffy a meaningful glance.

 _Inner champion?_ The slayer was amused. "Wow, Cordy. Didn't know you had it in you." She stated, sarcastic.

Cordy scoffed. "Did you not get the memo? I'm all _'help the helpless'_ and hero-y now."

"I think I threw it out actually." Buffy replied distractedly, focusing back on the others. "L.A. has a lair here, I know it. Sumutar _has_ to be here. He wouldn't be anywhere else."

"We'll find him." Angel promised. "It'd be some place dark, some place hidden. On the outskirts of town or maybe even underground. I can check the sewer tunnels. But we need to start with demon bars. If no one saw Sumutar, then they've seen his minions."

Gunn frowned. "Didn't Buffy slice and dice all of them?"

"Taroaka demons can self-populate. Any of his brood that dies, he can easily just create more. It's why the species tends to a bit of pest in the demon world." Wesley explained.

"Parthenogenesis!" Fred suddenly blurted. "That's what it's called, parthenogenesis. The demon having both XY chromesomes. Komodo Dragons can lay eggs and then t-they self-fertilize. Or maybe it's more through binary fission, like with bacteria where the cells clone and literally split in two. Then there's some probably genetic recombination and mutagens and well, all genomes would different by _then_..."

Buffy was lost somewhere in that. _I think I just found the Willow of the group._ Fred's rambly, clearly scientific mind coupled with her enthusiasm and sweetness reminded her a lot of her best friend. She thought Willow would like her.

"The latter, actually." Wesley clarified, smiling fondly. "Sumutar takes pieces of himself and creates more Taroakas. To a certain extent, of course."

"So he loses minions, then literally spits out blobs of new minions." Cordelia summed up flatly. "Who else finds that creepy?"

"It's actually kinda interesting." Fred remarked. She froze at the incredulous look Cordy was shooting her and she looked down. "Y'know, if you're looking at it all from a ... scientist standpoint." She mumbled, shy.

Gunn nudged her playfully. "Cutest scientist ever." They shared a look before he turned back to them, more serious. "While we're on the subject though ... ain't that problem? We take too long, Sumutar's gonna be popping out a whole lot of demons. Can get real out of hand."

"He's not gonna get far." Buffy declared with confidence. "I did check out a few demon bars before this, but it didn't really work out. That's why I came here actually." She turned and looked over the team. "Any of you with suggestions for the demon bars I'm not hip with?"

"I know all of them. Later I'll run you through them." Angel said.

Buffy felt her heart sink just a little. Was it too optimistic in hoping she wasn't going to be alone with Angel again? Granted she wasn't comfortable surrounded by people she barely knew either, but it was an alternative she'd gladly take over Buffy-Angel messiness.

"We start this tomorrow. Sewers, tunnels, demon bars, anything that'll lead to him. No one's taking a break until we find him." Angel declared in a final, hard voice. He glanced at his team. "You're all still a little beat up from the ballet. Get some rest _tonight_. You're gonna need it tomorrow."

Buffy bit back the urge the protest. She was on timer in L.A, after all, but it was Angel's call. After closer inspection she found herself agreeing when she took in how bruised and ragged all his friends looked. Gunn in particular, bloodied with a stab wound in his shoulder. Even Cordelia looked disheveled.

"Ballet?" She frowned at him.

Angel nodded. " _Giselle_. Started out okay. Ended with spirits and demons. Y'know." He shrugged dismissively.

The slayer was surprised. Angel went out and did something for fun? With _people_? As in a non-slaying, non-brooding _group_ activity? _A_ _nd_ of course _it'd be a ballet._ Buffy couldn't help but think. _That_ was definitely Angel-ly. It was just that _people_ part.

Buffy scrutinized them, realizing their tattered clothes were actually formalwear. "Wow. Didn't even recognize the formal under all that blood and tear." The blonde remarked. She couldn't really tell the difference with Angel. He always looked nice ... and she was just gonna stop that thought there before it starts.

"Nu-uh. _Don't_ even go there." Cordelia grumbled. "I still have to _return_ this." She gestured unsatisfyingly to her dress.

Buffy gave her a mildly amused look. She had to appreciate the irony of Cordy unable to afford a beautiful, expensive dress when in high school she pretty much could have anything she wanted. "Thinking that's a no-refunds deal now, Cor." She replied wryly.

Cordelia made a disgusted noise. _"See?_ _This_ is why we don't have special occasions." She looked meaningfully at the team.

Gunn shrugged. "Wasn't all that bad, considering." He looked over at Fred and they smiled at each other, hands locking together. Wes was watching too. Buffy thought she saw pain in his eyes.

Cordy stared at him incredulously. "A boring-ass ballet and me and Angel getting body-jacked for some steamy ghost action? Best night of my life."

Buffy paused. Her mind suddenly wasn't so operational. " ... Steamy ghost action?" She asked slowly, tone flat as ever.

"Nothing happened." Angel said quickly. The vampire looked panicked. "I wasn't, uh ... we were _possessed_ ... t-there was a loop ... we-we had to re-enact ... but we _didn't_ re-enact ... forced." The words tumbled out of him in a nervous, incoherent rush.

Buffy stared at him a long moment. Finally she frowned. "Huh?"

Cordelia, exasperated and rolling her eyes during Angel's entire monologue, changed sharply at the last word. _"Forced?"_ She was frowning too.

Angel glanced at her nervously. "I-I meant ... you _know_ what I meant." He muttered, looking down.

"What do you mean?" Buffy asked, simply confused. She hadn't followed a word he said so far.

Angel's eyes darted between her and Cordelia. His whole body was rigid with tension and Buffy was pretty sure he was going to bolt any second because the way he was looking at them was like one was a stake and the other was a cross.

"It was the spirit of two secret lovers." Wesley cut in, paving over Angel who looked more than relieved. "They were cursed by a jealous wizard and caught in an eternal loop of the night they were murdered. And so they possessed Angel and Cordelia, making them re-enact one of their ... _meetings_."

"Oh." Buffy could figure it out now behind the tact ... and didn't much appreciate the Angel-to-English translation as much as she thought she would. "Ghost lovers caught in an eternal, high-jacking loop-de-loop ..." She looked over at Angel. "Sounds familiar ..." She said softly, tone a little pointed. She pushed down the twinge of jealousy.

Angel stared at her, a guilty look in his eyes.

Cordelia let out a loud breath. "Whatever!" She huffed. With a roll of her eyes, she started to walk away. "Now if you excuse me, I'm gonna go home, take a nice long shower, and figure out what the hell I'm gonna do about this dress. I'll be back bright and early tomorrow for Miss-Slays-a-Lot and her demon hunt."

Cordelia's voice echoed back as she was leaving. Angel watched her go, a unsure look on his face.

Buffy eyed Angel warily. Was their something going on now between him and Cordy? He had acted so strange talking about what happened with them under possession. Cordelia had _seemed_ a bit snippy ... but then again she always had been. _Maybe I'm reading too much into it._ Buffy pushed the thought away.

Gunn and Fred were the next to file out. Wesley had hurried to get the A.I office phone as it rang. Her and Angel stood in the middle of the lobby.

"I guess that's my ticket out too." The slayer said, turning to him. She hoped she sounded nonchalant and not as weary as she actually was.

"You can sleep here, if you want. You can use one of the rooms for the weekend." Angel sounded hesitant. Hesitant because he didn't want her to stay or because he didn't know if _she_ wanted to? It was like they were walking on eggshells with each other and neither of them understood why.

Buffy's inner weakness flinched from the offer. She didn't know if she was ready to be in that kind of proximity with Angel. It was too hard to be around him considering Connor ... and her secret. The choking shame of her sleeping with Spike was never too far away and she was just _so_ scared Angel would figure it out. Angel already seemed ... _different_ with her somehow. There was a distance to him now that hadn't been there before and although she couldn't put a name to it, she saw it every time she looked in his eyes.

Suddenly a sharp, wailing cry cut through the Hyperion.

The sound was like a punch to the face for Buffy. Emotion filled her face, her lip fighting not to quiver.

Angel has a son. Angel has a baby. Angel is a dad.

Angel had stiffened at the sound, his head instantly snapping towards upstairs. He hesitated, giving an apologetic look. She knew in that moment he was only still there out of politeness and that selfishly hurt somehow.

Swallowing her pain, Buffy smiled at him. "You're on Dad Duty. I'll go somewhere else. Y'know, I-I don't wanna cause you any ... _distractions_." Was she even a distraction anymore?

"Where?"

"I'll find a place." The slayer insisted. "This was my town before it was your town, remember?" She managed a pointed look before she went to leave.

Connor's crying grew louder and when Buffy looked back, Angel was already hurrying up the stairs. The blonde watched him a moment, smiling sadly, before she turned and continued leaving the Hyperion.

 _ **####**_

Buffy wandered aimlessly down an L.A. street. Her arms were tightly crossed, hugging herself against the world. She didn't know her destination yet. Only that it was somewhere far away from Angel and his 'new life'. The entire ordeal weighed so oppressively down on her now and Buffy realized any bit of relief she thought she'd have just to be away from Sunnydale had been misguided because she still felt the same. Maybe worse.

She didn't want to think. Her mind was one scary mess of darkness and confusion and it was better not to think. To not let herself understand what she was feeling or what she was doing. This time though she couldn't block it out. Today had caught up to her and was sweeping her away.

Angel had a life now. Buffy had known it, but now she truly saw it. He had changed. There was a confidence and sense of belonging to him now in Los Angeles that she had never seen in Sunnydale. He found true friends he was comfortable enough to go out and do fun things like normal people do. Now he had a son with someone that wasn't her—the final nail in the coffin for any remainder of his old life with her in Sunnydale. Everything in Angel's life after he left her had fallen perfectly into her place. Unlike hers.

Angel's distance filled her mind. And as she boarded the bus to the motels she used that one summer in L.A. ... Buffy finally forced herself to admit what she couldn't earlier.

Angel had moved on from her.

Angel had built a life of his own in L.A with his son and his friends that she wasn't a part of ... and he seemed to be just fine with it. Buffy couldn't even tell if he missed her. She just didn't ... "fit". Angel didn't need her anymore. He had Connor, Wesley, Lorne, Fred, Gunn, Cordelia whatever she was to him ... what room was there left for her?

The worst, saddest part of it all ... with everything she had become since she came back from the dead and the mess she had made of her own life ... was that Buffy couldn't even blame him.

* * *

~~Angel~~

Angel stood holding Connor, rocking him back to sleep. He woke up hungry and had just finished feeding him. Angel felt ... _calmer_ now, comforted by the presence of his son after all the strain of dealing with Buffy and Cordelia. The bit of a frown on his face though indicated he wasn't broody-free.

Connor still reminded him of Buffy. Telling her about Connor didn't make his list of top favorite conversations but now that he had, he felt this strange uncontrollable urge to show him to her. For Buffy to accept Connor, to get to know him and bond with him ... to maybe love him like he did.

Angel also knew that it was still too soon. Buffy wasn't going to accept Connor. He supposed he couldn't blame her for it, especially considering who the mother was, but still found himself a bit distressed. She was just so ... _important_. He remembered Cordelia's words that Buffy would eventually come around. He hoped she was right.

 _At least Cordelia likes_ _Connor._ He thought absently. She had just as much reason as Buffy to hate Darla, more even, but she was still right there helping Angel raise him and making sure he was surrounded with love. Cordy was ... well, _'simple'_ was pretty relative at this point all things considered, but simpl _er_.

Suddenly the vampire was uneasy again. Buffy and Cordy in the same context wasn't ... _'good'_ for him. Too confusing. He didn't know what to do about either. He didn't even know how he got here honestly. Making out with Cordelia under ghost possession and seeing Buffy again _all_ in one night had just wrecked complete havoc on his mind.

Angel hadn't thought about Buffy as much as he used to. His head had been full of Cordelia. They had just been through so much together these past three years. They had gotten so close lately and Angel just knew something between them had changed. All everybody seemed to tell him was how great they could be together ... and he finally had started to believe it. They were on the brink of something, the two of them, and it excited him. What kind of person would sabotage a chance at a new, potentially great relationship over one of their past?

Angel felt like that person might be him.

Maybe.

He didn't know.

He just couldn't stop thinking about Buffy. She seemed so troubled. It took him back to the night he tried to forget, how hopeless she had been after she had been brought back. The shadowed look in her eyes seemed darker somehow from then to now despite her insisting she was doing better. He remembered her reactions to Darla and Connor and none of it had been angry, just ... sad. There was an invisible wall between them that had never been there before and it distressed him, not wanting it but not knowing how to fix it. Angel saw glimpses of pain in her eyes tonight. Every time his instinct was still to protect her.

He really, _really_ didn't know.

 _Why now?!_ Frustration surged in Angel. Everything had just been going so well! He had been able to tell himself Buffy was coping with her life and focus on his own. He had been raising and loving Connor. He and Cordelia had bonded and just when he was starting to think they could be more and appreciate what he had ... Buffy walked through the doors of Hyperion. And now nothing was right anymore.

The souled vampire's frustration sparked out instantly, completely extinguished by guilt. How could he be mad at Buffy, even for a second if she was struggling all along? Even if she wasn't, he still couldn't. Maybe Buffy being here now of all times made _everything_ complicated ... but it was only complicated because of him. It was _all_ him.

Cordelia had told him to try the present. He still didn't know what she really meant by that, but he knew how it felt. Cordelia was the present. Buffy was the past. He knew it was better for him to move on and let go. But there was one problem. Letting go of the past had never been something he'd been very good at.

Confusion reached the point of pain for Angel. He truly had _no idea_ how to deal with this. They were these two beautiful, amazing women that were both so important to him but his relationships with both were so complicated and he just couldn't handle that all at once. Angel could barely handle _one_ of them, how could he handle both?

Angel sighed. If someone had told him a hundred years ago he'd be here now, a 240-something vampire stressing over something as silly as being caught between two twenty-years old while holding an infant for comfort, he would've called them a idiot. Or drunk.

Finally he felt Connor start to get drowsy. "Okay." He said, going to put him back to sleep. "Little tip for when you're older, Connor ..." He began as he gently lowered him down in the crib. "Don't ever ask Daddy about women." Angel told him, weary.

Connor made a cooing noise, his eyes already closing. Angel couldn't help but smile.

"Angel?"

The vampire turned to see Wesley had appeared in the doorway. He looked back at his son, making sure he was asleep, before he met his friend a little further down the hall. "What is it?"

"Lorne called with information. Apparently there's been rumors of a few Taroaka demons lurking about just south of Downtown." The ex-watcher informed.

"Then Buffy was right. Sumutar is here ... and it looks like he's lookin' for a fresh start." He declared grimly. "We'll check it out. Gunn knows that area pretty well. Might give us some edge."

Wesley nodded. He peered at him carefully. "... How are you feeling about all this?"

"Shouldn't be too hard. He hasn't had a chance to make too many demons." Angel frowned thoughtfully. "I'll try the Downtown sewers. Maybe split us up to cover more ground ..."

"I meant with Buffy. Her being here." Wes practically cut him off.

"Oh." He didn't want to talk about that.

Wesley regarded him cautiously. "I can guess her unexpected visit has stirred up ... _complications_." Why did Angel feel like he had been about to say something else?

Angel didn't respond, his mind a tangled undergrowth of thought.

" ... I told her about Connor." He said simply.

"Ah." Wesley nodded, saying nothing else. He wasn't prodding which Angel was grateful for.

He changed the subject. "I'm worried about her. She seems ... quiet, kinda distracted. Ever since she got here ... I just feel like something's wrong." Honestly Angel really hoped he was wrong. He _wanted_ to be wrong. Because if it was at all what he thought it was ...

Wes stared at him. There was a flash of emotion in his eye the vampire couldn't discern. "I'm sure it's nothing." The ex-watcher responded coolly. He turned sympathetic. "I imagine you're under a great deal of pressure. The timing is ... well, it's natural to feel a bit overwhelmed."

Did he know about him and Cordelia? Did _everyone_ know about him and Cordelia?

Angel sighed heavily. "I don't know what I feel, Wes, I—" He broke off and shook his head, struggling. He didn't know how he could put into words everything he had been feeling. "Things were ... _changing_. I was focusing on my life and Connor and ... just moving on from the _past_. And it was _working_ , y'know? For a while there, I— ... I was on the brink of something and now ... I-I just can't—" He gave up, emotional turmoil getting the better of him and just stared at his friend pleadingly. "It's Buffy."

His voice was soft, the response automatic and even though he had no idea what it meant anymore, it still meant everything.

* * *

 **A/N:** **The very beginning of the storm of drama to come. ;) God, I love writing this story so much already lol.** **The Buffy/Angel/Cordelia love triangle is gonna be complicated. I'm trying to write this ve _rrr_ y realistically that would fit this point in canon which includes Cordy not being too much of a jealous bitch (she's mature now/never been much of a jealous type anyway), a lot of BA miscommunication (self-explanatory), and Angel starting out confused over Buffy to acknowledge Cangel. The C/A was very strong at this point and with everybody telling Angel how great he and Cordy are, that wouldn't just go away. There will also be no "friendzoning" of Cordy by Angel like almost every BA fic does because that's not canon. Cangel/Cordelia will be respected, even if this is more B/A-focused. ****On another note, it is** **also _INCREDIBLY ENTERTAINING_ putting Angel in a love triangle situation of his own. xD Buffy would totally find ways to balance her Buffy/Angel/Spike, but poor Angel in a Angel/Buffy/Cordy scenario?** **TOTAL WRECK. lol**

 **Poor Buffy though. This theoretical crossover would obviously be very hard on her and it's definitely nowhere near over. Her mindset is just gonna be a total mess. I just hate writing Depressed S6 Buffy. :( It will be interesting to explore Buffy's state of mind and Angel's in this underrated love triangle before it's Buffy/Angel/Spike ... and you can probably all guess how _that_ one will go lol.**

 **NEXT CHAPTER:** The A.I team and Buffy are on the hunt for Sumutar. Buffy's emotional turmoil heads for the worse as more changes to Angel's life comes to light. Angel continues to try help her the best the can in the situation. Tension spreads between Angel, Buffy, and Cordelia among the team, battling demons as well as themselves ...

 _ **Thanks for 4 favorites, 2 follows, and 5 reviews! :)**_


	3. If You Knew, You Wouldn't

**A/N:** So I was planning to update my Buffy/Supernatural crossover first, but the angst and the fact I can weirdly relate to Buffy in this certain plot drew me back and I just couldn't help myself. This fic is _verry_ different from a lot of S6-centric fanfics, mostly because other Bangels like to pretend Cangel never happened ... which to be honest, I don't get. I don't ship C/A _**at** **all**_ and certain choices pushing that ship were definitely forced, but I still thought it was healthy for Angel to have someone that's not Buffy. There's nothing wrong with loving more than one person. Besides, whatever he felt for Cordy we _**all** _ know he still loved Buffy. ;)

That said, I kinda like that this fic is different. I'm not writing something someone's already done lol.

 **Disclaimer: Regrettably I don't own Buffy or Angel. I wish I did though. So much more could've been do** **ne with these characters and these ships. Joss is brilliant, but _SO MUCH MORE COULD'VE BEEN DONE._ Like you didn't know what you had, Joss. **

_**Any OCCness thoughts/Constructive Criticism welcome! :)**_

* * *

 _If You Knew, You Wouldn't_

~~Buffy~~

The hunt for Sumutar began bright and early the next day, just as Angel had promised. He had split them into three groups, one for each demon bar in Downtown. Angel had to travel through the sewers and for more than one reason Buffy was grateful she wasn't with him. He took Gunn. Cordelia and Fred had gone together.

Now Buffy was with Wesley, on the receiving end of a red-eyed glare and trying to glean information. Bored, a little impatient, and still wishing she was anywhere else but here.

"Taroaka demons. Have you seen any around or not?"

Pin, the demon Angel informed had low underground connections, still scowled back. "I see a _lot_ of demons around these parts. Don't exactly go and start categorizing'." He had a pasty, pink complexion that seemed almost chalky with long, dark spikes sticking out of his face like a pincushion.

"Allow me. Reptilian, humanoid. Quite tall and very muscular. They have a series of spines running from their head to tail..." Wesley began to describe.

"Or in the _not_ so many words ..." Buffy cut in, giving Wes a pointed look. "Think _Godzilla_ on slimfast."

"Yeah?" Pin nodded, making a show of recognition, then just as quickly shook his head.

But at this point the slayer knew what he was playing at. She rolled her eyes and reached into her pocket to give him a twenty. The dollar was out of her hands in instant. "Yeah, I might've heard about one or two Taroakas in town." Pin replied in a non-committal tone, scrutinizing the bill.

"Did you get anything on one of them being called Sumutar?" Buffy asked.

A split-second change in the demon's expression, but otherwise maintained his pokerface. "Who the hell is Sumutar?" He drawled gruffly.

"You've never heard of the demon who once reduced an entire Venezuelan town population by half in a matter of days." Wesley sounded unimpressed. "I find that rather hard to believe."

Pin merely shrugged and as Buffy had to tamp down the urge for violence, Wes was already giving him more cash. "... Maybe I know the name." The spiked demon responded distractedly, counting the dollars.

" _Maybe_?" She didn't have the patience for this.

He shrugged again. "Never was one for staying in demon circles."

"But always one for the good yak spritz." Less than a second the deadpan remark left, Buffy smashed Pin's head into his drink, shattering the glass and pinning him hard against the table. Dollar bills flew everywhere.

Pin grunted. "I _knew_ it! I knew you were The Slayer!"

" _Still_ haven't heard of him?" Buffy challenged, pressing harder.

"If you know of Taroaka demons in town, then you know of Sumutar." Wes stated matter-of-factly.

Pin remained defiant. "If you think I'm helping The Slayer—" He said angrily.

On cue, the slayer pulled the demon back hard by the head, earning a noise of pain. She leaned close to his face. "Y'know, those _Cenobite_ spikes on your face look like they'd really hurt. Can they hurt _you_? Ooh, let's find out!" She instantly gripped him by the neck and slammed his face hard into the table.

A few more head slams and a lot more sounds of pain later, Pin broke. "Fine! Fine! I know him! He's in town!" He told them shrilly, writhing beneath her.

"Where?" Buffy said, still keeping a firm grip.

Pin spat in her face. "I'd die first before I help you."

"I can live with that." She gave an indifferent shrug.

The blonde slayer socked him again and pulled him harshly to his feet. Pin tried to counterattack, but Buffy was too fast. She grabbed his arm and bended it backward with almost enough force to break it before tossing him into the closest table, falling apart on impact. This caught the attention of the other demons in the bar, watching tensely, but none tried to stop her as she advanced.

" _Still_ want to do this?" The blonde prompted, feeling bored.

"You may very well die anyway." Wes cut in suddenly, just as Buffy grabbed Pin and raised her fist to strike. Both turned to look at him. "You might not have heard, but Sumutar has already killed scores in Sunnydale in the past week. He seems rather set on making a name for himself. Once he and his brood take over L.A, this victims, they wouldn't stop at humans."

Pin hesitated.

"You have heard his stories?" Wesley stared at him meaningfully.

"Y'know, you should probably listen." Buffy quickly went off him, looking back at Pin with a big smile. "Guy used to be a watcher."

The beaten up demon paused, flicking between the two with bitterness. "Last I heard, someone saw a couple Taroaka demons down somewhere in Skid Row." Pin informed grudgingly. "Don't know if they gotta a nest there, but go figure that part out yourself."

Buffy stared at him hard, then finally released him. Pin righted himself furiously and with one more fear-filled glare scrambled away.

"So I guess we got all we can out of _Pinhead_." The slayer deadpanned once they were outside. She turned to Wesley. "Nice job in there, pulling the logic knot on him."

"Sometimes they are other ways of persuasion rather than violence."

"Well, I'm glad the patented Wyndam-Pryce 'Spiel at 'Em, Beg at 'Em, Cry at 'Em' technique got crossed out in the guidelines." Buffy couldn't help but quip.

The ex-watcher turned slightly uncomfortable. "Proved to be ineffectual." He deadpanned, making her smile a little. "I've changed these past three years, working with Angel. The scorn I received serving as your watcher ... I rather deserved." He admitted.

"I guess a lot of things changed." Buffy replied distantly. She thought of getting ripped out of Heaven, her struggle to feel, sleeping with Spike, and Angel having a son. She couldn't help but think that unlike Wes, she hadn't changed for the better. _Nothing_ in her life had ... but Angel's did. Suddenly she felt cold.

Wesley noticed her tone. He looked sympathizing. But he didn't press and she didn't share. Instead they went to look for a phone booth, focusing on calling Angel to feed them their lead ... and ignoring the suddenly tense silence that settled between them.

"How is Mr. Giles?" The ex-watcher asked eventually as they walked the streets, tone cordial.

Buffy hardened. She stopped walking, pausing before looking back at him. "Giles, he ... He, um, went back to England." Her voice was lifeless.

"He's _gone_?" Surprise filled Wesley's face.

She nodded ruefully. "A couple months ago. Short notice thing. We haven't ..." The words were too painful for her to go on and she stopped, lowering her eyes.

Wes seemed to understand. "I had assumed that once finding out you were alive again, he would've stayed."

 _That's why he left._ Bitterness rose in Buffy like bile. "I guess he just missed the scones." She replied flatly, turning away.

The memory wreathed around her now, pushing back up the sting of rejection as the closest thing she had to a father walked out on her. _Abandoned_ her when she was going through so much. _He said it was 'for my own good' ... and now I'm barely holding on to a job, Dawn's raising herself, and I'm boinking an evil, soulless vampire. Yes, this most definitely falls into the realm of 'good'._ She thought sarcastically.

The hurt feelings built up again until she couldn't take it anymore and Buffy shut down again. The slayer didn't acknowledge Wesley and his watchful gaze, keeping her eyes ahead, scanning for a phone booth. She at last found one across the street and took the lead again, walking briskly.

"I remember when I was first instated as your watcher." Wesley began suddenly, just as they reached the phone booth. "Giles had been fired because of his ... bond with you. Incapable of impartial judgment."

At this Buffy's whole body stiffened, her hand turning white-knuckled on the phone. She didn't dare turn around to look at him.

"Whatever the cause of his leaving ... I don't doubt he still thought only of you."

Righteous anger surged in the slayer and withered out in the same second. She looked to Wes with a bleak stare. _It doesn't feel like it._ She thought, hurt.

 _Angel_ had left thinking of her too. What she got was another failed relationship, whatever twisted mess her and Spike were, and getting crushed by her own life. But _Angel_ was doing fine. Angel was doing amazing with his friends and his baby and just everything in life that was stable and happy and _Buffyless_. 'Cause leaving her is _always_ "for her own good" and _not_ because there was something so wrong with her they're just that much better off without her. Resentment burned in Buffy.

She wasn't entirely there when she dialed Angel, but by the time he picked up _'The Slayer'_ was a conditioned response. "Taroaka demons were spotted in Skid Row in Downtown. They might have a nest there." Her tone sounded cold even to her, separate from everything but the kill.

 _"East, near 6th St. Supposed to be in some run-down neighborhood."_ Angel was as aloof and straight to the point as her.

"Sounds like Taraoaka home living."

 _"Head to the Hyperion. We need to circle back, meet with the others."_

Buffy nodded. "Good." She hanged up so fast it was questionable Angel even heard her reply and quickly turned to Wesley. "We're meeting everyone at the Hyperion and comparing notes. We have to hurry." Still brutally business, Buffy was already walking.

She was here for _business_. Quick. Clean. No emotion. _Should be easy enough._ She couldn't help but think. She had barely been feeling anything for months since she was brought back from the dead. She was just ... going through the motions. And that's what this was. ' _Going through the motions.'_ She repeated the mantra.

 _ **####**_

Angel uncovered even more information after their talk as it turned out. Gunn still had a contact or two in Downtown apparently from his days as part of a demon-hunting gang. There was certain tension between him and Angel though and Buffy got a dim sense the whole process hadn't gone as smoothly as they wanted her to believe, but they still managed to find a connection between the Taroakas and an old junkyard.

"It's right up their on 6th St. Know exactly the place." Gunn told the group, clustered back in the lobby.

"Nest?" Buffy queried.

He shrugged. "Place your bets."

"Well, it beats what we got." Cordelia crossed her arms, exchanging a look with Fred. "Just some rumors. Oh, and apparently a few homeless guys going missing which in _this_ city, is about as otherworldly as Madonna in _fishnets._ "

"Not a real solid sign." Fred admitted with a shake of her head, frowning slightly.

"We'll see. Gunn, you lead us to the junkyard. If it turns out not to be the nest, then we're close to it. We'll check any sewers around. They're a good place to look." Angel said.

"Shouldn't we probably be on the look out for _more_ Taroaka demons?" Fred expressed. "I mean, from what rest of you guy are saying, he's already makin' clones."

Buffy shook her head. "He can't make that many."

"Yeah, right now it's at one or two, but—"

"No, like he really _can't_." The slayer insisted, matter-of-fact. "I cut off a lot of his weird spiny things and basically turned his chest cavity into half-cooked shishkab."

"Wish I could've seen _that_." Gunn remarked, giving a impressed grin.

Cordy threw up her hands. " _Again_ I ask ... _why_ did you come to us for help?"

"Sumutar's legion of mini-Sumutars won't reach the legion." Buffy continued, pointedly ignoring Cordelia. "We need to wrap up this thing in two days."

Cordelia snorted. "Well, I love the optimism, but—"

"Two days is the deadline. I need to be back in Sunnydale."

"And who are you to issue _deadlines_ here?" Cordelia said incredulously. "We want hard-ass, insensitive, 'work-us-till-we-drop' treatment, we go to _Angel._ "

"I'm not _that_ bad—" The vampire automatically protested.

"I can't stay longer, Cordelia!" Frustration surged in Buffy. "Some people _actually_ have a day job."

"I think we can all agree sooner is better ..." Wesley cut in tactfully, aware of the rising argument.

Cordy didn't seem to hear. "And some people _don't_ actually flock to your world-renowned soapbox with the opening line 'I'm-Buffy-so-you-need-to-do-what-I-say." She countered. "It's _Angel's_ decision." She looked at him sharply while she spoke, clearly expecting the vampire to back her up and defend himself.

"Sumutar's _my_ fight—" Buffy began to snap.

"And now you made it Angel's. His city, his call." She said flatly.

"It's _all_ our fight. We'll do whatever we have to to track him as soon as possible." Angel replied diplomatically.

Buffy calmed slightly, though his answer hadn't satisfied Cordelia at all. Annoyance rose on her face and she looked away, sighing in exasperation.

" ... Sooner _is_ better." Wes said again with sense. "Less of the brood, less lives taken ..."

"Always on board the 'less lives' train." Cordelia agreed, tone flat again. She crossed her arms and turned back to Buffy. "And for the record, I really hope it _is_ sooner." Her pointed look gave away everything.

So Cordelia didn't want her here. She was fine with that.

She glared at her. "So do I." Buffy replied tersely, her own meaning more than obvious as her eyes landed on Angel. She felt a flash of satisfaction at the discomfort on his face.

" ... I'm gonna go check with Lorne on his source. Cover all our bases." Angel looked uneasily at Buffy again, discomfort palpable, before practically scurrying away.

The blonde slayer watched impassively. _Hopefully I_ do _find Sumutar in two days. Then I can leave and not come back here anytime soon ... or ever. Ever sounds really nice._ Buffy thought fleetingly.

"So ... you and Buffy were friends in high school?" Fred asked after a long moment, a little too perky as she tried to diffuse the tension.

"Did I ever say 'friends'?" Cordy said.

"Sometimes we were friends. And sometimes we weren't." Buffy stated dryly. She turned to her with a mocking smile. "Right, Cor?"

" ' _Friend'_ I happily forgot about the last three years ..."

" _'Friend'_ in the loosest sense of the term ..." The slayer countered.

" _Loosest!"_ Cordy added with feeling.

Buffy smiled a bit at that. Amazingly she might've actually missed her. "Just like high school again, huh, Cordy?" She quipped.

"Yeah, thanks for the memories." There was no real venom in Cordelia's voice and Buffy realized then their old antagonism had passed. "So how's the old gang?" She asked after a moment.

The question surprised Buffy. "Good. Uh, different. A lot of big changes." Avoiding mentioning things like Giles leaving and Willow's magick addiction that led to her break-up with Tara, she focused on the safer. "Xander's engaged."

 _"Xander?!"_ Cordelia's eyes stretched impossibly wide.

"Couldn't believe it either." She admitted.

"In what universe would any girl be blind, brain-damaged, and _insane_ enough to marry _Xander Harris_?" She sounded practically outraged.

"An ex-vengeance demon." Buffy said easily.

" _Of_ _course_!" Cordy scoffed. "The _only_ girl Xander could brainwash _that_ long into walking down the aisle _has_ to be a demon." She stated matter-of-factly.

"Didn't you date him?" Gunn recalled.

" _Exactly_!" Cordelia responded, unwavering. "I _woke_ _up_ to my low standards."

"They work actually. In a weird way. They seem happy."

Cordelia wasn't impressed. "Right. Can't wait until Xander finds a way to blow _that_ one up..." She remarked blandly, turning away.

"It's different. Xander grew up a lot. Three years, y'know, you change." Buffy couldn't help but defend her friend.

Cordelia gave her a look. She shook her head. "Xander doesn't change that much." There was such certainty in her voice that for a moment Buffy found herself doubting. _But it's_ _different_. She reminded herself, a little forcibly. _Xander and Anya are special. They'll make it._

"So how have things been for you?" The slayer asked.

"Between having literal skull-splitting visions, taking care of the vampire baby that's not, and becoming half-demon? Weird, scary, weirdly venturing on 'chipper'." Cordelia summarized flatly. At the look on Buffy's face, she nodded. "Yeah, I know. Weird. But it was the only way for me to still have visions and y'know, _not_ kill me. Thank god it didn't come with any scales ..."

"You've been helping Angel raise Connor?"

Cordy scoffed. "Well, shouldn't someone?"

"We've _all_ been helping him, really." Fred put in meekly, taking notice of Buffy's sudden pensiveness.

Cordelia shrugged. "I wasn't all that thrilled either when I found out Angel went basket case on us and screwed _Queen of the Damned_ , but Connor ..." She trailed off with a wistful sigh, gaze softening in affection. "He's just so ... _cute_!"

"You never even liked kids." Buffy said, frowning at her. "You used to call babies pooping, peeing life-enders not worth the cleaning bill."

"That was pre-Connor." Cordy answered, frowning in thought. "Who would've thought _I_ had a maternal side?"

"Who would've thought." The slayer said, long-suffering as the information hit home. Angel and Cordelia were raising Connor. _Together_. They had gotten even closer than she thought. _How close, exactly?_ She couldn't help but think. Would Angel really develop feelings for someone like _Cordelia_?

The knot that had started in Buffy ever since she heard about the lust spell Cordy and Angel fell under suddenly tightened. She promptly tried to push it down. It was good that Angel had someone in his life to help him bring up his son. It wasn't like she could've.

"So!" Fred suddenly said, her overly cheerful voice jerking Buffy out of her own head. The skinny brunette had plastered on a wide and nervous smile. "Tell us the kind of demons _you've_ been tackling. I mean, you're the Slayer. You probably got a bunch of stories, right?"

Cordy and Buffy stared at her. Fred still smiled.

 _ **###**_

Buffy, used to humoring people (it was _all_ she did these days ...), told the Fang Gang about her last fight with Sumutar, Sweet the demon, and the annoying schemes of the Nerd Herd. It was draining all on it's own, as even her _slaying_ seemed to reflect her poor state of mind. Being trapped in conversation with Angel's friends though reminded her Angel hadn't come back yet ... and whether it was out of practicality or masochism, she excused herself to go look for him.

The blonde slayer roamed the Hyperion, not really sure where she was going. After passing a couple rooms in the hallway she heard a voice coming from a few doors down. She followed it, and finally found Angel. Lorne wasn't with him ... but he wasn't alone.

A small, bald shape was in his arms. The vampire held it to him like it was fragile glass, firmly and gently. Soft murmuring came from Angel and it took her a moment to realize he was singing a lullaby. It was one Buffy didn't recognize, though that could've had something to do with it being in a different language (Gaelic?).

Buffy stared at Angel and Connor, shook by the sight. She had never seen Angel like this before. He looked so much lighter and peaceful, free of the glower and the brooding frown. For the first time he actually seemed younger. She saw the softness in his eyes and the contentment and even a bit of playfulness and she didn't recognize him. He was as different a person to her as Angelus.

Suddenly Buffy felt as suffocated as when she woke up in her own coffin. She had no right to see this, to watch him be this way with Connor. It was beautiful and precious and it wasn't meant for her. It didn't _belong_ to her.

"Buffy." Angel saw her as he was circling back to the crib, stopping to look at her.

Buffy jumped at the sound of his voice, staring at him like a startled deer from the doorway. She couldn't talk a moment. "I just ... uh ... wanted to see if Lorne confirmed his source." She said lamely.

Angel just nodded, studying her.

"Right. Great." Buffy nodded back, smiling a second. "I guess I'll just ... go now. Going." Awkwardly, she went to leave.

"You don't have to."

She picked up the disappointment in the vampire's voice and of course then she had to stop, turning back with a tired smile.

"This is Connor." Angel introduced, looking down with a smile at the infant in his arms.

Buffy hesitated, but met him halfway. She stared down at his son blankly, not sure how to feel.

"Connor, this is Buffy. You want to say hi to Buffy?" He cooed, gently taking his hand to wave at her.

Still unsure, the blonde slayer inched closer and delicately touched his arm. Connor barely responded, looking up at her through half-lidded eyes. She saw a flash of blue in them and with a empty feeling knew he definitely hadn't gotten that from Angel.

Angel smiled. "He's sleepy."

Connor gurgled happily even as his eyes closed more and for the first time Buffy smiled a bit, a trickle of warmth among the ice in her heart.

Angel gazed at the two of them a moment before gently pulling the baby away. " 'Kay, Little Man. Time for beddy-bye." He put him back down in the crib. "Daddy need to go protect ya from tha monsters." He said in a baby voice.

The chuckle that escaped Buffy surprised both of them. Angel paused, immediately embarrassed.

"Big, scary, broody vampires say _'beddy-bye'_?" Buffy teased.

"I know, it's ... weird. Connor seems to like it when I—" The vampire tried to explain, awkward.

"Cute." The slayer said.

"Connor?" Angel sounded hopeful.

"You. Daddy Angel. It's so cute." Buffy smiled at him affectionately.

Angel looked just as pleased by this. He stared at her a moment, a smile on his face. He shrugged. "It is nice to hear _'Daddy'_ in a different context ..." He said absently. Immediately he frowned. He paused, awkward, before looking back at her. " ... I should've said something else."

Buffy avoided the implication in that like the plague. "It suits you. I know we couldn't have ever ... but I always thought you'd make a great father." Even though they were sincere, the words opened another wound. They couldn't have yet Angel had one anyway. What did that say about them? About _her_?

The air felt heavy, rife with the tension that was second nature when it came to her and Angel. The slayer walked slowly up to the crib, staring down at the now sleeping Connor. Her face was a mask again, all her conflicting feelings for this tiny creature fighting to the surface.

"He's beautiful." She said quietly.

She meant it. She still could see Angel in him. But even as she took in this beautiful innocent baby, Buffy couldn't make any sense of it. Why did he _have_ to be born? Why to Darla and Angel? Why to _Darla_ at all? Why was one of the reasons Angel left her instead staring her in the face? There were so many things she didn't understand. Maybe she wasn't supposed to.

"You always wanted kids ..." Her own voice felt somewhere far-off. She didn't notice Angel's sad, conflicted expression. Slowly Buffy turned to look at him. "I'm happy for you." She meant that too. He deserved to have something he was never supposed to have. He deserved to have family. Even with the bitterness inside her, he deserved it.

Buffy stared back at Connor, hollow inside. She could tell how much Angel wanted her to like him. She _wanted_ to accept Connor. He was Angel's. But she _couldn't_. After everything she had been going through, the emptiness she was struggling with ... she just _couldn't_. It took too much out of her ... too much hurt and humiliation. It was like Connor was a literal representation of everything that was right in Angel's life and everything that was wrong with hers. She couldn't hate him. She couldn't wish he hadn't been born. But she couldn't _accept_ him—and for that she was the most terrible person in the world.

"... I didn't choose his mother, Buffy." Angel said.

"Didn't you chose Cordy?" The slayer couldn't stop herself. She glanced at Angel who had tensed. "I heard she's been helping you with Connor." Her tone managed to stay even.

The vampire hesitated. " ... She has." He replied flatly. There was wariness in Angel's eyes.

"I guess it's a step up from _Mallory Knox_ the vampire." Buffy deadpanned, an edge to her voice this time.

"Buffy ..."

She quickly cut him off. "It's good you have someone. I mean—to help you raise him." She stated, forcing out the words. "Granted I never thought that person would be Cordelia. The girl who would've traded a baby for a pair of _Louis Vuittons_ , but ..." Buffy shrugged, trying to act casual.

"It just kinda happened. Connor was born and Cordy was there ..." Angel sounded awkward again and again she wondered why.

"It always starts out that way." The slayer answered absently. _Spike_ had been 'there' too. And now no matter how hard she tried she just couldn't seem to get him out of her skin.

Angel didn't respond, and Buffy felt even lower. That wasn't the reaction she wanted.

 _What if Angel and Cordy really are ...?_

All thoughts left her again, pushed back by the piercing tension racing between her and Angel that made breathing an issue. They just stood there in thick and heavy silence, watching Connor sleep.

"... I would've wanted you to have been his mother." Angel told her, his voice soft and sad.

 _I wouldn't._ Buffy couldn't look at him, his words widening the hole in heart just a little more. It hurt to see Angel have a child with someone else ... with _Darla_. But she didn't wish he was hers. She didn't have to give birth to him to know she would've been no mother to this kid. She wasn't qualified to take care of anything. She couldn't even take care of _herself_. How could she have taken care of a baby?

All she _could_ do was be here, staring at Connor in defeat ... heavy with the knowledge that even in another world where _she_ had been his mother, not Darla ... she still wouldn't have been good enough.

Buffy glanced at Angel, conveying all her defeat with her eyes. They just stared at each other, sad and unfulfilled.

Sensing something after a moment, they both turned. Cordelia stood in the doorway, watching them with an unimpressed look on her face. No words passed for a long second as they all looked at each other. The tension in the air was different now, electrified with something else.

"Sorry to be the witness to something super unimportant ..." Cordelia deadpanned. "But aren't we supposed to be rallying the _team_ by now? Taroaka demon? Hello?" She glared slightly at Angel, gaze sharp with disapproval, before turning to Buffy. "You _said_ 'sooner'." She reminded simply.

The slayer nodded mutely. Cordy was still annoyed, glowering at both of them, before impatiently heading back out to the others.

Buffy and Angel glanced at each other, both strangely awkward, but quickly looked away and followed the seer out.

 _ **####**_

Nighttime had fallen. Gunn, most familiar with parts of Downtown, had given them directions that would take them to the would-be hideout. He took the lead now in the patrol as they made their way through the dark streets, Angel and Buffy closely flanking him. The tall, crushed mounds of destroyed cars came into sight before the deserted lot did. It was enclosed by a chain-link fence that had a moldy, broken "Keep Out" sign nailed to it.

"This the place?" Angel prompted.

Gunn nodded. "Abandoned junkyard on 6th."

Buffy and the A.I Team scaled the chain-link fence. As Buffy dropped down on the other side, she saw more clearly the haphazard rows of cars along with large stacks of tires and piles filled with debris and scrap metal. More mounts of cars stacked on top of each other were visible, smaller than the first.

"Well, it definitely _looks_ like a home for a Taroaka." Cordelia commented. "Honestly would it kill a demon to have a little _feng shui_ once in a while?"

"It's killing them not to." Buffy joked.

"They aren't going to be out in the open." Angel said seriously. "We go in, we go in easy."

The slayer scrutinized the place. "There shouldn't be too many. But they like to hide." She gave them a meaningful look.

"Finding a tall, hulking _Beast from 20,000 Fathoms_ reject with all these crushed up cars to hide in? I see the struggle." Cordy remarked, sardonic.

"You'd be surprised." The blonde said grimly.

"Keep your guard up and eyes open. Check the scrap piles, any holes or cars. Anything moves, kill it." Angel moved like a ghost, not looking back at them as he began to pick his way through the junkyard.

The team started to spread out. Buffy strayed a little further than the rest, though not far enough to not watch out for the others. The blonde slayer explored with caution, her eyes darting to every gap in the scrap piles and investigating under every car, keeping herself tensed to attack or defend in case any demons leaped out.

Something suspicious caught her attention among a pile. She crept slowly, her sword at the ready as she pushed aside a few fenders and other scrap metal. An overwhelming reek hit her nose. The slayer jerked back a second, grimacing as she half-pulled, half-watched the remnants of a rotting carcass fall out.

"That's not a cat." Buffy muttered to herself. She saw dried blood, parts of bare flesh and a glimpse of a half-eaten torso with a couple bones sticking out ... _human_ bones. The bones though were strangely few, with only a few bits of others crushed around it. She knew what that meant.

" _Someone_ ordered boneless human." Gunn's voice sounded and Buffy glanced back to see him and Angel behind her.

"Taroaka demon special, off at half-price." The slayer deadpanned.

"It's fresh. Day old, at least." Angel noted. "Keep on eye out for more bodies. These things like to eat."

"It's only been a day. And _these Hungry Hungry Hippos_ ..." The blonde slayer glanced back down at the body. "They won't get the chance to swallow down more marbles."

Angel nodded. "Henry or Homer." He joked. Buffy immediately gave him a wide-eyed look, as surprised that he understood her reference as she was him suddenly having a sense of humor, and the vampire was self-conscious on the spot. "I've been looking at ... _toys_ lately. For Connor."

"You at a _Toys-R-Us_." The slayer gave an awkward smile, trying to picture it. "I think that might be a sign of the _apocalypse_." She said, giving him a slightly amused look as she walked past him.

They continued searching. She found more bones and another dead body, but not the Taroaka demons themselves. Buffy superstitiously skirted around a large stack of demolished cars, eying it warily as she turned a corner. Then the slayer stiffened, senses going off a moment before a snarl ripped the air.

Her broadsword connected with sharp talon-like claws, beady red eyes in a hulking black mass staring back into her. The slayer quickly used her weapon to push it back, grunting with force and swung her sword. The Taroaka demon dodged and tried to squash her with his whole arm. Buffy rolled out of the way, his arm hitting the ground violently where she used to be as he instantly snapped his jaws at her. She faced him in a crouch, her sword raised.

"Hello, Sumutar Clone Number One billion." The slayer said. "Any chance you can tell me where the Big Boss is?"

The demon was on all fours, a deep growl vibrating through it's body. He stood back up on two legs and charged, trying to claw her again. Buffy used her faster speed to swing her sword up in arc, slicing it on the chest. It snarled and she got in another, trying to get to the neck. All of sudden it turned to hit her with it's tail, sending her flying up into car with enough force to dent it before she crashed down into pile of tires.

The slayer winced, trying not to cough from the dust. Instinctively she kicked out a tire, using it as a distraction to get back to her feet as it hit the Taroaka demon in the face. She heard it howl and Buffy charged, reclaiming her sword as she went to hack at it.

The good thing about fighting _fresh_ Taroaka demon spore was that they weren't very bright. All they pretty much understood was eat, attack, and basic orders. The _bad_ thing about it was that they were still very, very strong.

In the midst of the skirmish, she caught a glimpse of Gunn, Wesley, and Fred fighting another Taroaka demon. The blonde slayer drove hers away, kicking and stabbing it in the chest. The Taroaka demon roared and suddenly charged, grabbing her sword with one hand and the other by the neck. He pushed her up against the hood of a car and snarled in her face, saliva dripping out of it's mouth. The slayer struggled, trying to stab him again and at the same break his grip on her neck.

Then the demon roared, furious and in agony. Angel had showed up, stabbing the creature from behind. He stabbed it again and it snarled, grip losing as it turned his attention to him. Buffy thought fast, noticing a car just above them by a small scaffolding. After getting in one more stab with Angel, the slayer twisted her body up and slashed the metal wire. She got out of the way just in the time as the car went toppling down, crushing the Taroaka demon to the death.

Angel and Buffy stared at the body a moment, then looked at each other. Angel looked impressed.

Buffy and Angel begun to race over to the now struggling Gunn, Fred, and Wesley. Cordelia had appeared too, climbing over one of the scrap piles with a longsword of her own. A third Taroaka, however, leaped out from a huddle of cars and attacked the seer. She shrieked as she was tackled to the ground.

 _"Cordy!"_ Angel yelled.

The vampire instantly swerved, ready to save her. Buffy was faster, however, and stabbed the Taroaka demon deeply in the side.

"You want strong bones? She's all _meat_." The slayer deadpanned.

The Taroaka demon rose, snarling painfully. The blonde raised her sword again, ready to strike, when suddenly Cordelia kicked the demon off her with both legs. Shock froze Buffy in place as she watched the brunette spin her body with another kick before stabbing it in the stomach and then going to stab it again. This time though she missed and the Taroaka hit her away, lunging at her.

Snapping out of her stupor, Buffy jumped up and stabbed it in the neck. The Taroaka growled, more piteously than before, and Cordelia took the opportunity to slash at it's face. Suddenly the two women were fighting side by side, slicing and stabbing at the demon until finally it was dead.

"Okay!" Cordy blew out a breath, catching her breath with her. "The whole 'easy to the spot' thing I said before? I take that back." She amended.

"Are you both alright?" Angel called to them. He had just dealt the finishing blow to the last demon, having went to the help the rest of the Fang Gang.

Buffy nodded tersely, looking past Angel to the others. Wes laid flat on his back, grunting painfully as he was helped up by a bruised Fred. Gunn sported a gash on his forehead.

"Are there any more?" Gunn queried.

"There might be." Angel said, scanning the junkyard.

"Taroaka demons. Quite the ... powerhouses, aren't they?" Wesley mused, wincing as he held his ribs.

"Three Taroaka demons would be a lot for Sumutar. " Buffy looked down at the dead demons. " _These_ guys? They aren't Sumutar."

"Keep searching." Angel was still surveying the field. "We're getting close."

The team began to split off once more. Buffy turned to Cordy. " _So_ ... is suddenly knowing hapkido one of your new half-demon powers?"

"Ha-ha, so _very_ funny." Cordelia rolled her eyes. " _Angel's_ been teaching me how to fight." A bit of pride entered her voice. Buffy faltered at this and the seer snorted. "What, you think you have to be a _slayer_ to do a bunch of kicks and zippy moves? You just have to be a _cheerleader_." With a meaningful look, Cordy walked off.

Buffy stared after her tiredly, another blow taken to her self-esteem. ' _Angel taught me this', 'Cordy did that.' Angel and Cordy. Cordy and Angel. Seems to be the running theme._ Was she _jealous_? _Over what?_ She asked herself ... other than the fact Cordelia seemed to literally have taken over Angel's entire life.

The slayer sighed at her thoughts. Had she become so insecure and pathetic that even normal team things like babysitting or teaching them how to fight broke her spirits? Would she go _that_ far just to validate every terrible thing she thought about herself?

But the sad, sad truth was that deep down she _still_ didn't know. Angel just felt so far away from her. He had moved on, and here she was. A part of his past trying to insert herself into his life ... _trying_ to because she didn't fit in it anymore. She couldn't even fit in her own.

 _'Poor little lost girl. She doesn't fit in anywhere. She's got no one to love.'_

Spike's vicious, cruel words from the night she finally succumbed to him rang in her ears and she knew now what she had known then. He was right. The deep, sinking feeling, sharp and empty at the same time, watching on the outside looking in on Angel's life ... told her just _how_ _much_ he was right.

* * *

~~Angel~~

Angel and his team searched the rest of the junkyard with little success. They hadn't discovered any more Taroaka demons or even more dead bodies. In the midst of all this, however, Angel caught a fresher whiff of Taroaka on the air. He quickly rallied the team and tracked the scent to a large abandoned house a few streets over.

The inside of the house was still and deathly silent. It smelled musty and damp, filled with broken tables and other furniture along with a moldy couch. There was a staircase leading to upstairs, but it's banister was broken off and some of it's steps had collapsed in on itself. They saw no Taroaka demons.

"Maybe this place is the hideout." Fred stated, looking around.

Gunn shrugged. "It's in the same area as that old junkyard. I'd say that's about as good a indicator as any."

"I can still smell them. It's faint, but ..." Angel stepped forward, sniffing the air as she tried to pinpoint it.

" 'Faint' as in 'not here anymore' or just covered with something else?" Cordelia questioned.

"I don't know." The souled vampire admitted, frowning. He could tell this house had been abandoned far longer than most and the scent of decay and mold along with all the other scents were overwhelming.

"Can you tell if it's Sumutar?" Buffy asked. She saw the look Angel gave her and deflated. "Right. Of course you can't." She said in a sigh, resigned as she looked back around the place. "There shouldn't be many more, but ..."

"We don't know what's in here." Wes stated for her, grim. The slayer nodded.

Angel and the others began to inspect the place. As he investigated, the souled vampire became less convinced with possibility this was the hideout. It wasn't as spacious as the junkyard and he would've expected more bodies. He _also_ figured though that if Sumutar was as smart as he's heard, he knew how to be discrete especially when injured.

Angel was downstairs, split off a bit from the others. Going through the kitchen back to the living room, he paused when he saw Buffy standing there. She was staring at a hole in the plaster in the corner of the room, a far-away look in her eye.

"Find something?" He asked, walking in.

The slayer jerked her head at him with a start. She looked slightly guilty. "Only a construction worker's nightmare." She replied, quickly turning away from the wall to walk over. "Although, I-I _did_ find a couple human bones. Not enough for an assembly line of Voodoo jewelry or anything, but ..."

Angel stared at her in concern. The urge to ask if she was alright burned on his tongue like fire. But he didn't. "We're on the right track."

"This place isn't that much of a nest. They haven't been here long." Buffy stated.

He nodded agreement. "Few days, give or take."

"Here's hoping this _is_ the place ..." The blonde said, disgruntled.

"There's still more to check." Angel reminded. "If we still don't find him after tomorrow, we'll take over for you when you go back to Sunnydale."

Buffy's face shadowed and she turned away. " ... I just want this over with." She replied flatly.

Angel wanted this over with too, but the words hurt anyway. There was a pause. He watched, hesitant, as the slayer began to leave. The tension trapped them still in a death grip and he couldn't stand it anymore. The fear that kept him from speaking before made him desperate now.

"I should've told you ... about Connor." He began tentatively.

The blonde slayer tensed. Slowly she faced him, expression stony.

"I was going to, Buffy." Angel walked towards her. "You have to know that. I wouldn't—"

"Even the part where you slept with Darla?" Her words burn him like a cross and he couldn't help but flinch. But Buffy remained steady. "Angel, if it had been up to you, I never would've found that out." She stated, matter-of-fact. Angel couldn't reply, shamed into saying nothing, and the slayer continued. "And you weren't going to tell me about Connor either ... at least not anytime _soon,_ right?" Sharpness edged her voice this time and she looked at him pointedly.

The vampire looked down, guilt jutting through him. She was right again and he hated himself for it.

A shadow flitted across her face before it turned cold again. "I guess you haven't really changed all that much, after all." She said flatly, turning to go.

"I didn't want this to happen this way."

Buffy stopped to regard him. Her expression was impassive still but contemplative, deep in thought as she stared at him. She didn't speak for a long moment ... and when she did, Angel hadn't been prepared.

"I know why you weren't going to tell me about Darla." The slayer began, tone disconcertingly even. "And it wasn't because it's not my business or even that you were afraid of hurting me. It was because she was evil. Soulless. And you were just so ashamed and it was just so twisted sinking so low that to imagine the look on my face ... how could I ever want anything to do with you after that?" No inflection was in her voice, her eyes as cold and empty as stars.

Her words were like something out of his nightmares and opened up a floodgate of pain Angel hadn't known until that point had been there. So preoccupied with Connor and Cordelia, he had forgotten the consequences of Buffy knowing his weak moment with Darla. He didn't matter ... but it _did_. God help him it did, the damning accuracy filling him with fear and guilt and he wished he didn't hear it. Wished he didn't have face her or this.

He couldn't regret it. Couldn't regret it even if he wanted to ... even without Connor. He felt a deep shame. A shame Angel hadn't felt over that since, not truly. Not until now, looking in the eyes of the woman who had always thought he was better than "this" even though he wasn't. Who thought he was strong even though he's not.

Buffy moved to go, and seeing her turn her back on him sent Angel's fear in overdrive. "Buffy ..."

The slayer stopped and sighed. "Angel ... it's _fine._ Everything's fine. Can we please just—"

Angel cut her off as she tried to leave, towering over her. "It's not fine, Buffy." He said in a firm tone. The blonde startled and he wavered, glimpsing a fragility in her that pained him. He shook his head. "I don't ... I don't know what you want me to do, Buffy. I don't know what you want—" He tripped over his own words, helpless and completely at sea.

"I don't _want_ anything from you." She snapped.

"I can't help but feel you're blaming me for something. I don't know what. I want to fix it. Just let me ..." He stared into her eyes desperately, hoping he could find some crack in this wall between them. That she could tell him something, _anything_. She was inches in front of him but miles away and he didn't want this.

Buffy flinched and raised her hand for him to stop. "Angel ... I _understand_. I understand why you didn't tell me about Connor. I understand that you went through something ... I even understand you sleeping with Darla. If I was any more _understanding_ , my whole brain would go kaput. Can you please not make this harder?" She said, terse and strained.

Her last line was like a physical blow and Angel flinched himself. She was looking at him like she wanted to cry now. Some part of him recognized then she was busting at the seams. He didn't know if it was because of coming here or that she was still in that abyss after being brought back. All he knew was that it was his fault.

Angel and Buffy stared at each other, caught in a whirlwind of emotions. The tension between them simultaneously pulling them apart and pulling them closer.

"Well, this Sumutar search is going in slow-mo. You can't actually think there's any Taroaka demons here now, right?" Cordelia's voice sounded as she emerged into the room. She looked, immediately noticing the angsty charge between Buffy and Angel, and her face hardened.

" ... There's none in the kitchen." Angel uttered after a beat, the pitch of his voice slightly off.

Cordelia wasn't impressed. Buffy hesitated a moment, then with no words turned and left to go search the house on her own. Angel could only watch with a heavy heart.

The vampire walked over to Cordy. "There's other places ... shed, cellar ... Even if they're not here now ..." He tried to focus on the job again, distracted with Buffy still spinning in his head.

Cordelia smiled at him brightly. "Well, it's a good thing they _aren't_ probably here. 'Cause otherwise we'd be _seriously_ champion-indisposed." At Angel's confused expression, she gave a roll of her eyes. "Come on. You and Buffy in _any_ realm of proximity together? You think I don't _know_ nothing gets done?"

Feeling uncomfortable, Angel didn't respond and walked past her.

Cordelia followed. " _Honestly_ ..." She continued, never one to let anything go. "Have you ever thought of the idea where you could maybe see Buffy and _not_ always take it like a nuke straight to your already very delicate psyche? I mean, it's just a thought."

Angel halted to face her. "Why are you mad at me?" He asked, annoyed.

"Mad? Who's mad?" Cordy gave a innocent look. "I mean, it's not like you can _help_ it ..." She said more begrudgingly. Suddenly her exasperation evaporated and she released a sigh. "I just wish you still didn't let her _get_ to you so much ..."

"She's not—"

"A lot of things have been happening to you _too_ , Angel! A lot of big changes! A _son_ , for one." Cordelia's eyes blazed with meaning. "Things in your life have actually been going pretty good for the first time in like _ever_ and then the second Buffy whirls in with all her _Me!-Me!-Me!_ angst, you just let her ruin it?" She said, incredulous.

The vampire was stricken. Guilt hit him and he felt the urge to apologize, but he didn't know what he was apologizing for. " ... You can't ask me not to worry about her." He told her at last, helpless.

"There's a difference between _worrying_ and getting so caught up you forget what's been here, right in front of you." Cordy stated. She moved closer, her gaze fixed on his face. "Remember the past few months? How we'd sing lullabies to Connor ... the way we'd play and curl up with him talking about a college fund and getting a boat ... renting a ski condo or going on a cruise ..." Her tone grew wistful and she moved even closer to him. "Does _any_ of that mean anything? I mean, isn't that enough for you?" Her hazel eyes are wide, vulnerable and desperate.

It hit a little too close to home. Angel's throat tightened, unable to speak. He wouldn't know what to say even if he could.

" ... It was." He admitted, voice almost a whisper. He paused, overwhelmed by emotion. "But if Buffy really _has_ been in that same dark place while _I've_ been ... I can't just go back to that, Cordy. You know I can't. Not until I know she's alright." It was the simple truth, as he saw it.

Cordelia stared at him. The hurt and disappointment blossoming in her eyes made him ache inside, but he couldn't help how he felt. This was _Buffy_. She had always understood that. She had to understand now.

He didn't know yet what his feelings for Cordelia meant. He didn't even know what his feelings for _Buffy_ meant anymore. The one thing he did still know was that he had to help _her_. Had to know if he had abandoned her. _Had_ to fix this.

Angel stared back a moment, meeting her steadily resigned face, before he turned to get on with the search.

It wasn't long after they met back up with the whole team. They all had along the same finds. No one ran into further Taroakas or places they could be hiding, though they continued to find human bones and a few signs of human flesh. It was still hard to say if it was a hideout, but they were at least on the trail.

"It doesn't mean anything. If Sumutar really does have a lair here, he'd know how to hide it." Angel told them.

"He really puts the _'hide'_ in hideout." Fred remarked, frowning. She looked around. "We've barely seen any bodies around here."

"Could be hiding _that_ too." Gunn pointed out.

Wesley nodded. "He could be covering his tracks. Though judging from the account Buffy gave of her last encounter with Sumutar, that may not entirely be the case. His diet seemed to have certainly slowed down since Sunnydale."

"Which means we'd have time before it gets worse." The blonde slayer added.

Angel did another mental assessment of the place. "Fred, Wes, Gunn, check the shed." He began to issue orders. "Buffy and I can do the attic—"

"I'll be in the cellar." Buffy cut him off, completely ignoring the vampire as she was already wandering away.

He stared a second, hurt, then turned to Cordelia. "Cordy—"

"Shed." She responded, tone flat as she walked away too.

Angel stared after the both of them, awkward and wounded. Fred and Wes gave him uncomfortable looks as they passed him, following after the seer. Gunn patted the vampire on the shoulder, giving him a rueful smile before going with the others.

Angel stood there a moment, reeling, and with a deep sigh headed out alone to the attic.

* * *

 **A/N: * plays _Poison & Wine_ by The Civil Wars on a loop in the background* God, _so_ complicated! This fic takes a _LOT_ to write. I had to include at least _ONE_ lighter B/A moment in this angstfest because Daddy!Angel is adorable and I hate Joss for taking that away from us. :/ ****I always felt like the Buffy of S6 would have a very different reaction to Connor and Cangel than the Buffy of S7 would. Buffy may come off a little selfish here sometimes, but I think that's to be expected. I hope none of the Angel characters aren't OCC. I haven't watched Angel in a while and not as many times as I watched Buffy so let me know how I'm doing. :)**

 **The Buffy/Cordelia/Angel triangle ... I hope I'm doing a good job so far showcasing how it could've been and doing justice to Cangel while being B/A. There's a lot of angles to it I'm exploring. I'm not trying to make anyone the villain, though Angel in this situation would handle it pretty badly (let's be honest). I pretty much feel bad for everyone there lol.**

 **NEXT CHAPTER:** The search for Sumutar leads Angel, Buffy, and his team deeper and deeper into uncharted territory. Things didn't entirely go to plan though, leading to more than one surprise ...

 ** _Thanks for the 19 reviews, 7 favorites, and 12 follows!_**


	4. Trespass

**A/N:** So this time around my next update is a lot faster (I'm just so in love with this crossover idea, like why couldn't it have happened...). Don't get too used to it because life, but I'm glad to share it! I appreciate all the positive feedback. :) This whole story is insanely angsty for obvious reasons, but the first half of this is basically "the calm before the storm" that I have to built up to just right. Let's just say it definitely **_will_** get worse before it gets better.

 **Disclaimer : I will never take credit for Buffy or Angel. If I actually did own anything, these characters would've been more connected like the Arrowverse spin-offs and there would've been at least a season of Buffy/Angel/Spike because literally everything about that love triangle is dynamic and amazing. **

_**Constructive Criticism/OCCness thoughts open! :)**_

* * *

 _Trespass_

~~Cordelia~~

Cordelia strolled through the shed, eying a dusty work bench with disinterest and vague disgust. Fred, Gunn, and Wesley all milled around her, searching the place top to bottom. It was a larger shed than one would expect—fit the larger than average house—and she supposed she saw why it _could_ be part of a nest ... though to be honest with you, she stopped expecting a Taroaka demon to pop out at her at about five minutes walking in.

So she was bored, impatient, and irritated. _Definitely_ irritated.

Angel hadn't helped, _of course_. The sting of their last conversation was starting to make her testy. She was so tired of Angel _still_ feeling the need to put everything on hold for Buffy and her _maybe_ problems. That, and his continually going _out of his way_ to _explain_ himself to Buffy about oh, _everything_. Did he _not_ matter? Did _them_?

"Don't know what Angel expects us to find here." Gunn expressed, echoing her thoughts as he came out the back room. "Any Taroaka demons look long gone."

"They have complex nesting habits." Wesley informed. "They have been known to go underground. Through tunnels or ... floorboards ..." He trailed off, watching Gunn who had already started trying to pull up the floorboards with his hands and axe.

"They really are sneaky for giant lizards." Fred said.

"Angel picked up a scent that lead to this house. We know we're close." Wes reassured.

"Yep." Cordelia agreed disinterestedly, fiddling with an old can of paint from one of the shelves. "But then again Angel isn't _exactly_ on his 'A' game ..."

"The sub in that text have anything to do with the drop in of a certain bombshell blonde?" Gunn asked.

"Well, there was a definite bombshell." Cordy said flatly. She put the can away and turned to face them. "Now it's aftermath time and let's all hope we'll actually be able to do our job." She gave them all a meaningful look.

It wasn't all that bad really. Whatever mental jumping jacks Buffy was putting Angel through right now, she would be gone soon enough and everything would go back to normal. Or at least that's what she had been trying to tell herself in the face of Angel and all his 'Poor Buffy'-ing every five minutes. Annoyance surged in her.

"I guess it did come as kinda a surprise." Fred said.

" _Surprise_?" Cordy scoffed scornfully. "Why would I be surprised? _Where_ is the surprise here? Angel losing all sense and cognitive function at _'Enter Buffy'_? That's just par for the course ... and _still_ parring." A bit of bitterness trickled in the words.

Cordelia wasn't surprised. Why would she ever be stupid enough to be surprised? It's not like she had ever actually thought ... no. No, _surprise_ wasn't the word here. It wasn't disappointed either. It was ... _tired_ maybe? Yeah. That was it.

Fred stared at her, eyes slightly wide. "I-I meant with her showing up and all." She responded lamely.

Cordelia took that in a moment. "Of course that's what you meant." She tried to play it off, for once feeling awkward. She frowned. "Why are we still here?" She said out loud as she walked away, quickly changing the subject.

"I know it's been hard on ya ..." Fred began after a moment, suddenly sympathetic. "Her being here."

"One minute it's Angel and Cordy the Super-Duo. The next Buffy's back in Angel's orbit and it's like I don't even exist."

"You exist, Cordelia." Wesley stated matter-of-factly, peering up warily at the upper beams.

Cordy's frustrations only grew and finally everything she had been suppressing flooded to the surface. " _'You're important'_ , he says. _'You're_ _extraordinary'_. _'Ooh, you're his Lassie, Cordelia!'_ ..." She mocked, going into a rant as she started to pace around.

"You _are_ his _Lassie_." Fred comforted.

Cordelia stopped, turning to look at her. She wanted to believe it, but she still had her doubts. "His _Lassie_ who can't seem to save him from 'Fatal Flaw Number 53' 'Buffy's White Knight Syndrome' ..." The seer pointed out, tired.

"Thought it was just White Knight Syndrome." Gunn commented, still working at the floorboards.

Cordelia harrumped. "Oh, ho, ho. Believe me. This is on a wh _o_ le other button-pusher."

"He's worried for her." Wesley spoke up, stopping his search to give her his full attention. "Buffy's been in somewhat dire straits—"

Cordy scoffed. "Yeah, I'm sure friendly concern is _all_ it boils down to." She got it. Angel was 'Mr. Help the Helpless'. Maybe there was actually nothing wrong with him helping Buffy if she was just another "lost soul" ... but since when had anything with the loaded _'B'_ -word ever been Angel _just_ being chivalrous?

"Y'know, this all really isn't as bad as you're making it out to be ..." Fred responded, nervous.

"You missed his 'Everything comes last next to Buffy and her power of pouts' speech."

"You can't blame him, Cordy." Wes said. "You know he can't ..."

" ... Can't help it, yeah." Cordy stated for him, releasing a resigned sigh. "But at what point is that excuse still gonna work? Three more years from now? _Ten_?" She queried. Her fire was back now and she looked them all in in the eye. "I mean, let's face it! Angel has a problem."

Of course _she_ had to be the one to say this. No one else had to guts to say it but her ... but she _had_ to. This Buffy thing had never bothered her before as much as it did now. She figured she maybe had indulged him too long. It's been _three years_ already. Angel should be _over_ this.

She was particularly bothered by Wesley's attitude. It was like to him Angel's over-the-top preoccupation with Buffy was expected, inevitable, and that there was nothing anyone could do to change it ... because there wasn't, was there? Cordelia felt her heart sink for a moment, a pang inside it she didn't recognize.

Cordy shook her head. "It's like watching an addict. You check Angel into _how_ many rehabs and just when you think he's getting clean ..." She complained, exasperation rising again.

"Huh. I don't know about the rest of y'all, but someone here sounds a little jealous." Gunn remarked, looking up from a floorboards with a grin.

The observation sent a shock through Cordy's system. "Jealous of _her_? Over—? Oh, _please_!" She denied, adamant. Jealous over _Angel_? That didn't even make sense. The seer went silent again, her thoughts turning, and sighed wearily. "I just want better for him. If Angel could just forget about Buffy and appreciate what he _actually has_ ..."

"Maybe the real problem is that he _did_." Fred said.

Cordy raised her head, shook by the words. She stared into her friend's meaningful face. _Is Fred saying_ —?

There was a loud tearing sound and suddenly Cordelia had no time to piece anything together. Gunn had pulled up several floorboards at this point, forming a large and pitch-black hole. He stared down cautiously a moment, his ax raised. "Down the rabbit hole." With a shrug, he jumped down inside.

"Careful, Charles!" Fred exclaimed. She went to jump after him, but Wesley protectively pulled her back.

"It's 'aight! I got it!" The demon hunter's muffed voice responded.

The remaining Fang Gang stood above him around the hole, exchanging tense looks. A long, agonizing moment passed of hearing nothing from their friend, unable to see too clearly and then his voice sounded again in the gloom.

"Found something!"

Fred, Cordelia, and Wesley all looked at each other. Slowly, weapons firmly in their grasp, they jumped down in the hole one by one. They hit cold, hard dirt underneath and had to adjust to the darkness. Gunn was standing over something. They saw it was a dark, large, and distorted mass of a flesh. It had an unnatural silver gleam to it.

"Okay. That's _definitely_ not human ..." Fred stated meaningfully.

Cordy wrinkled her nose, fighting back the urge to retch at the smell. "What the _hell_ is _that_?"

"Hoping you could tell me." Gunn replied grimly.

"It's one of Sumutar's spores." Wes declared. He stepped closer to get a better look, a grimace on his face. Cordy realized then she could make out remnants of a face and beady red eyes. "Or at least ... what's _left_ of one."

"You're saying something _did_ this to it?" Fred queried.

Wesley didn't answer a moment, studying the specimen. "I believe I recognize this. It's the first stage of Taroaka self-creation. Usually the step is rather quick and they take form, but in this case ... interesting." A look of morbid fascination was in the ex-watcher's eyes.

"Wanna clear up that _'interesting'_?" Cordelia answered, looking to him impatiently.

"It seems Sumutar had a bit of difficulty with this one. Strange. It typically only happens with much younger Taroaka demons."

"Or one who just got a major hack-N-slash job." Gunn stated, giving them a meaningful look.

"You mean his injuries. They must've got in the way of the cloning process. Not every clone came out just right." Fred elaborated. "That's good, right?"

"Not for keeping down my lunch." Cordelia said flatly, grimacing.

Wesley nodded at Fred. "It's a husk. He couldn't maintain it. The clone must've ... impacted on itself."

"Just when I thought it couldn't get any _more_ ick-worthy ..." Cordy went on, even more grossed out by that vivid picture. "Isn't this Sumutar guy supposed to be some big-time demon big-shot? 'Cause so far? _Not_ impressed."

"It looks fresh too." Gunn observed. "Turns out we got a lot closer than we realized."

Wes paused, looking at something past them. " ... I rather agree." Fred, Cordelia, and Gunn all followed the ex-watcher's gaze and made out a long, spindly pathway leading deeper and deeper underground.

"Is that a _tunnel_?" Fred said in disbelief.

"These things like secret, dark, and dank, right?" Cordelia remarked, giving them a look.

Wesley's expression set in grim determination. "We've found the heart."

* * *

~~Angel~~

Angel stared down at the remains of the Taroaka demon, standing with Buffy underneath the shed at the mouth of the hidden tunnel. Neither of them had run into any Taroakas themselves ... but meeting up with Wesley and the others listening to the details of _their_ discovery, the hunt was far from hopeless.

"It _is_ fresh." Angel confirmed. He exchanged a meaningful glance with Buffy. "Maybe Sumutar is even weaker than we thought."

"And might be getting weaker." The slayer added seriously. She looked over at the path. "We need to follow this tunnel. Something tells me at the end of it we're going to find something a little less neat than _Batcave_."

Angel nodded. "Everyone stay close. We're in _his_ territory now."

The vampire took the lead (though Buffy flanked a little too close to his shoulder), heading into the secret passageway. The tunnel turned out to be even longer than it looked. As they went deeper and deeper in, Angel subconsciously picked up on the fact it would be big enough for a Taroaka demon to travel through. It was dark though, and he always kept on eye on his team who couldn't see as well as him and Buffy.

 _If Sumutar is at the end of this ... then Buffy's going back to Sunnydale. And this is all over._ The thought would've been relieving, just to be freed of this difficult situation he found himself in with Buffy and Cordy. But he was no closer to clearing the air between him and Buffy than before and confronting her wasn't easy. She wasn't letting him in.

 _If Buffy leaves before I can ... if all of this really is_ still _from coming back from the dead ..._ The fear came to the forefront of his mind, haunting Angel still. He wished Buffy would just tell him if it was. He didn't want to know, but he _had_ to know. He was so worried over her it made him ill.

It's not like he hadn't told her she could pay him a visit if things became too hard and he would help her, even if it was just by confiding in him. He didn't understand why she wouldn't ... though maybe it was better if she hadn't, considering having Connor and growing feelings for Cordy. But _he_ could've visited her. He could've done something. He could've _avoided_ this.

A million thoughts raged in Angel, hiding a war inside as they walked down that tunnel. He couldn't help but glance at Buffy a second, hoping she could give some indication to assuage the uncertainty that had been killing him since she arrived.

He started to smell something on the air and jerked to a halt, his mind jerking with it. "Stop." He told the others. He sniffed the air again. "Taroakas, up ahead. The scent, it's all over the place."

"Here I was just thinking after that last shot, we needed to retire you as a sniffer." Cordelia quipped.

Angel and the team quickened their pace, moving with renewed purpose. The scent seemed to only grow stronger now, but as they went deeper the tunnel steadily began to narrow. Everyone started to bunch closer together around him. The sound of their rushing blood and fast heart rates were both loud and distracting to his ears.

"Getting kinda tight in here ..." Fred noted, giving a nervous look. "Can they really make a nest _here_?"

The vampire's certainty didn't waver. "They're here. We're close." Angel pushed on determinedly, examining every crevice and crack for anything that could mean Taroakas or a secret lair.

He heard rumbling only a second before Buffy's alarmed cry, "Watch out!" The vampire instinctively jerked back as a large mass of rock fell right where he has been standing, pushing back the others. Another mass fell.

"Part of the ceiling's caving in!" Buffy shouted.

"Everyone, quickly!" Wes threw in urgently. He started towards Fred as another mass fell towards her. He pulled her away just enough for Gunn to whisk her out the rest of the way, holding her close to his chest.

Cordelia shook his head. "Oh, we _so_ need to get out of here—ah!" She broke off with shriek, more debris raining down.

Everything was happening too fast now not everyone could scramble away in time. A piece of debris fell, striking Wesley and Cordy who were knocked to the ground. Gunn and Fred rushed over to help their friend up while Angel hurried to Cordy. He wrapped her in his arms, using his body to shield her as more debris rained down on them. He held her protectively, oblivious to the pain.

The deafening rumbling noise began to die down into a low growling sound and then silence. The shaking had stopped. Slowly Angel pulled back, looking from the ceiling back to Cordy. Part of her face was bleeding. He was still holding on to her and their eyes met.

Suddenly the tunnel lurched with a vengeance. More debris fell and even as Angel tried to get them both to safety, Cordelia went with it. The seer yelped, sliding into deep fissure that had formed from the crumbling ceiling.

" _Cordy!"_

The vampire caught her before she could fall. Just as Angel started to heave her to safety, a larger mass struck him in the head and he lost his grip. Cordelia screamed, falling away. Before he could panic he sensed a shadow at his side and Buffy grabbed Cordy's hand. Debris still rained down though and the slayer lost her balance, falling with the seer.

 _"Buffy!"_ Panicked, Angel tried to catch her around the waist. He couldn't react in time and Buffy and Cordelia both fell through, disappearing into the hole. " _No_!"

 _"Cordelia!"_ Fred cried.

The souled vampire quickly got to his feet, the A.I team clustered around him. Clouds of dust and dirt still filled the air. Debris had stopped failing, though in that moment he wouldn't have noticed. Angel searched the fissure desperately, hoping to make out Buffy and Cordelia's forms, but even for his vampire vision it was dark and bottomless.

"I can't see anything." Saying it out loud only spiraled his panic. "I can't see anything, Wes!" He barked sharply, hoping his friend could say something to calm him.

Wesley _did_ say something to him (he tried), but Angel's irrational mind made him not hear anyway and he was acting. "Get out of here, all of you." He ordered curtly, shoving his team back. "I'm going after them."

Before he could recklessly jump down after, he picked up voices. They were muted, probably inaudible to the others, but ... he strained his vampire hearing further. Grumbling? His eyes widened, recognizing it in a heartbeat. " _Buffy?"_

 _"Angel?"_ Was the response, louder this time, and he knew it anywhere.

"Are you okay? Are you ... Cordy?" He shouted down, sick with worry.

 _"Regrettably ... no."_ He could the sarcasm in Buffy's tone even from up here.

 _"We're both fine!"_ Cordelia's voice cleared up all of a sudden, heavy with annoyance.

Angel closed his eyes a moment, weak with relief. "They're fine." He informed the others, knowing they couldn't hear. He looked back at the hole. "It's ok. I'll get you out."

 _"Might wanna bring the whole gang."_ Buffy answered, a seriousness to her voice. _"There's something down here ... Let's just say you'll_ really _wanna see it."_

The vampire frowned a second and relayed the information to his friends. "Wait. I'll go first." He ordered, keeping them a bay with a firm look. Without any hesitation, he jumped down the fissure.

The fall was long, narrow, and pitch black. Angel felt rocks and mounds of dirt scrape against him but he landed on his feet, graceful and silent. The darkness lightened at his point and when he walked deeper in he saw Buffy and Cordelia waiting. They were a little dirty and ragged from the fall, but he was relieved to see they were otherwise alright.

Buffy and Cordy glanced over and his gaze slid past them. In the dimly-lit sickly greenish light, he made out the mouth of a wide tunnel with a train track in the middle connecting to another tunnel on the far side. Another pair of tunnels mirrored it, all connected to a single platform.

"Good lord!" He heard Wesley utter. The ex-watcher had landed with Gunn and Fred just behind him, climbing down by the footholds.

They had stumbled upon an old, abandoned, still fairly intact, underground subway station.

"Lookie what we found ..." Buffy deadpanned.

"Wow!" Fred exclaimed, her brown eyes wide with awe.

The Fang Gang tread forward slowly, taking in their surroundings with equal part intrigue and equal part caution.

"It's old. Dates back to at least the 1930s." Angel deduced, recognizing the architecture as he eyed the platform. " ... and abandoned not too long after that by the look of it." He looked around, taking notice of the moldy construction equipment and trash strewn about.

"Can you say _'evil lair'_?" Buffy piped up, crossing her arms. "Oh, let me count the ways ..."

"It is the indeed the perfect place." Wesley agreed. "Discreet, spacious ..."

Gunn scoffed. "Wonder what the secret passageways to _this_ place was ..."

"Who needs passageways when you have a Cordy." The slayer stated, bland.

Cordelia snorted, turning to shoot her look. "I'm gonna choose and take that as a compliment."

"This is it." Angel declared in sudden realization, distracting the two women. "This is where Sumutar went into hiding. The trail I was tracking ... it was leading _here_. This entire place, it reeks of Taroaka demon."

The confirmation registered in his friends, becoming tenser now as they all exchanged looks.

 _"_ Well, finally." Cordy exclaimed, tone matter-of-fact. She looked meaningfully to the others. " _Your welcome_!"

 _ **####**_

It wasn't long before Angel and his team were planning out their next move. They were in promising but still dangerous surroundings and needed to act as fast as possible. The abandoned subway was large and they didn't know their way around the area nearly as well as Sumutar did. That meant he had the advantage.

"Maybe we should send someone to go on ahead, y'know to get a lay of everything." Fred suggested.

"It would take too long, even for me or Buffy. We need to start hunting for him now."

Wesley agreed. "There already seems to be quite a few tunnels. That would make things long enough on their own."

"So how we gonna do this?" Gunn asked, straight to the point. "Together as a group, split up? Buddy system, what?"

"I vote buddy." Cordelia said.

Angel was about to respond ... until he realized at least _one_ person hadn't thrown in her two cents. He glanced and saw Buffy was no longer with them. She was inside the station, staring out one of the windows overlooking the tunnels. She must've wandered off at one point in the conversation without him noticing.

Angel frowned a little, a sense of worry overcoming him, and without a word left his friends to go talk to her. He climbed the steps up to the platform, meeting her on the upper level.

She sensed more than saw him. "You think maybe if I stare hard enough, Sumutar will do his smoke thing and _bam!,_ just pop up?" The slayer asked, still staring out the window. She glanced at him after a moment and saw Angel's look. "I'm trying out this new thing called optimism." She joked.

He shrugged. "Never was one for fads ..." He stood beside her, watching the tunnels with her as silence fell between them. "This place looks pretty sizable. For all know, it's bigger. We won't know what's waiting." Angel stated, matter-of-fact. "Hard to believe you'd find something like this under some rickety old house."

Buffy smiled thinly. "Gotta love Cordy. If _anyone_ can somehow manage to stumble into some big-wig demon lair ..." She remarked with mockery. The slayer paused, looking more pensive than before, and turned to him. "I think we should split in two groups. You lead one, I'll lead the other."

Angel wondered if he was imagining the sharpness in her voice. "Then we meet in the middle. Strength in numbers."

Buffy merely nodded, her eyes drifting downward in a distant expression. Silence stretched again. The tension between them, always simmering just below the surface, sparked more overwhelmingly now than it ever had before and Angel imagined this was what it felt like to suffocate.

"I'll, uh, ... try first with any fresher scent ..." He desperately tried to fill the space between them. "If I-I can pinpoint it to one, we won't have to ..."

"I should've just done this with Spike." Buffy said suddenly, more to herself. Off his shocked expression, she explained. "He was with us when we fought Sumutar the first time. He could've helped me track him faster ... annoying peanut gallery commentary aside." She was looking away from him now, distinctly uncomfortable.

Angel gave her a strange look. "Spike doesn't _'help'_." He stated, entirely matter-of-fact. He was bothered a bit despite himself. Was she saying _Spike_ would do a job better than he could? "We'll _find him_ , Buffy. You just have to work with us."

The slayer nodded at his conviction, but still had that remote look.

Angel hesitated, agonizing over what to do. All he wanted to do was ask if she was alright, but he was afraid. Afraid she would lie. Afraid she would tell the truth. And so he went to leave, knowing somewhere deep inside himself this wasn't something he could win.

"So how long have you and Cordy been making eyes at each other?"

The vampire swung around. "What?" He said, panicked.

Buffy turned to face him. "You and Cordy."

If his heart was still beating, it would've been hammering in his chest. "M-Me and ..." He stammered.

" ... Cordelia." She said, her gaze searching. Angel still just stared at her speechlessly. "I know your smoldering 'only-one-in-the-world' look when it's in action. I'm actually familiar with it."

Awkwardness, confusion, and a sense of guilt attacked Angel. He wanted to deny it. He wanted to deny everything. But even if he would have, he still couldn't utter words.

Buffy already knew. "So you—Huh. Wow. That's ... you and Cordelia." The slayer didn't seem to know what to say. She looked almost in shock. "Definitely ... didn't see that coming ..." She paused, looking down a moment. "We are talking about _Cordelia_ here, right?" She asked, disbelieving.

"It's different. She changed ... She's not the same person you knew in Sunnydale."

Buffy nodded. "The perks of personal growth." She responded dryly, smile slightly bitter. There was a tense pause." ... When were you going to tell me?" Buffy asked, tone suddenly quiet. The vampire hesitated and the slayer looked up at him. Seeing the guilt. Her face hardened. "And y'know, I just _really_ need to stop asking questions I already know the answer to ..."

She immediately tried to storm away, but Angel grabbed her arm. " _Buffy_ —"

The slayer yanked it back. "You and Cordelia are an item now and you weren't even going to tell me." She accused.

"We're not!" Angel said quickly. "We've gotten ... _close_ ... but _we're not_." He insisted.

Buffy paused, the anger leaving her eyes. She stared at him now, weary and empty.

Angel felt the situation rapidly spiraling out of his control. "I don't know, Buffy ..." He shook his head, stressed and overwhelmed. "First, we were just helping out each other. Me, with training. Her, with Connor. Then there was _'Kyrumption'_ and _'Moira'_ and something to do with a grog from ox dung, I-I don't—"

"You don't owe me an explanation." Buffy interrupted his rambling. "You don't owe me _anything_ anymore. That's the magic of being an ex." She sounded resigned.

Angel watched her unsurely as she paced back to the window. She didn't speak a moment, staring down the tunnel again. "It's not like I thought you'd never really notice anyone but me while I shack up with new guys. How narcissistic and unbelievably self-involved what _that_ be?" She was trying to joke, but he could read pain behind it.

 _Oh, god. Buffy ..._ The souled vampire stared at her, stricken. He felt the sudden urge to reach out and take her in his arms and tell her nothing had changed, but he couldn't and Angel blamed everything for that. He blamed Lorne. He blamed Fred. He blamed Cordy. He blamed _Buffy_. Most of all he blamed himself.

"Do you love her?" Buffy asked.

"D-d-do I—?" Angel stammered, fiercely startled.

The slayer looked at him. "Do you love her? Cordy." Her voice was listless.

Angel couldn't even comprehend that question, let alone answer it. A spiral of ten different kinds of emotion whirled painfully in his chest and all he wanted then was for a hole to open up and swallow him.

"I-It's not the same ... i-it's not like what we ..." He managed to sputter out.

"That's not exactly an answer." The slayer replied flatly.

The souled vampire stared at her helplessly. He knew he couldn't avoid it, however much it scared him to think on. He thought then about everything he had been feeling for Cordy. He thought about everything he had ever felt for Buffy. He thought about everything he felt for her now.

"I don't know." He admitted, exhausted by the words.

Buffy didn't say anything a moment, her gaze dropping. She nodded. "But I do." She said quietly and the look of defeat in her eyes was enough to split his heart in two.

The words come without thinking. "That doesn't mean I don't still—" Didn't what? Didn't still love her? Didn't have feelings for her? The thoughts whirl in Angel's head all at once and the shock of it all silence him, overwhelmed by the realization he didn't know even _that_ anymore.

The blonde slayer stared at him sadly, tinged with resignation, and turned to go. But Angel stopped her again, desperately needing to explain. "I'm sorry. I ..." The vampire trailed off and stared at her helplessly, warring with himself. "I don't ... know how to deal with this."

The weight of how true that was hit him. He gazed at Buffy, deep and searchingly, as if her angelic face would give him some answer he couldn't find in himself. She was the woman who had always been everything he ever wanted. The one that had inspired him to be more than what he was and that people could be too. In over two hundred years, she had been the only thing Angel had known as love. Now there was Cordy, who had stubbornly stuck by his side and connected him to humanity, grounded and anchored him in the way only she could. He watched her change and grow these past three years from a vapid ditz to the brave, compassionate woman he was glad to have in life ... and he didn't know what any of that meant. He didn't know where _he_ was.

Buffy's eyes were locked with his, unable to tear them away. The hint of vulnerability soon disappeared and the wall was back. "Then don't deal. There's nothing to deal with it." She stated, hard and without emotion as she started to walk off. "Not unless it's Sumutar or the demons."

Angel stared after her, desperate and frustrated. Every time she walked away from him, he seemed to feel worse. He knew what it was. Every time he did something it was wrong when it came to her. He loathed his inability to communicate with her through words.

Maybe Buffy's behavior had nothing to do with her being ripped out of Heaven. Maybe _all_ of this was just being here with him, dealing with Connor and Cordy. What if he was imagining Buffy crying out for help in a time of need as part of his list of seemingly endless excuses not to pursue Cordelia? Was there a part of Angel that simply didn't want to let Buffy go?

* * *

~~Buffy~~

Buffy and the A.I team trekked through the station as Angel lead their patrol towards the tunnels. She was on the outskirts, furthest out of the tightly clustered group. They had their plan now to hunt Sumutar.

For the slayer though, she had a harder time remembering now why hunting him down mattered.

Her mind was in a chaos, alternating between pain and pure numbness as she trudged on ... trying to care, like the others did. Like she had when the job started. But all of that had been drained out of her bit by bit by Angel and she just couldn't care. All that mattered now was how fast this could be over.

The last conversation that did it flooded back and the painful takeaway: Angel had fallen for Cordelia. Suddenly everything had made sense in the worst possible way. The way Angel held himself away from her, the distance and the guilt she saw on his face every time he looked at her, _all_ _of it_ was because of Cordy. She _knew_ he had been acting different. She could _feel_ he moved on ... and now Buffy knew why.

She had tried to deny it. Chalk it all up to her general patheticness because why not? Angel leading such a better life and having a kid when he left her so _she_ could have all that already did a number on her. Couldn't get any worse than _that_. So this Cordy thing _had_ to be in her head. Because after _all this_ even _her_ life couldn't get that _bad_ —

 _I guess the joke's on you, Summers. Your life's the joke, you're the punchline._ Buffy thought bitterly.

She wasn't mad about Cordy. How could she be mad? If anything, she felt stupid. For her to go through all this trouble to hide her affair with Spike, wasting so much time worrying Angel wouldn't be able to love her anymore if he knew ... and none of that mattered because he didn't love her anymore anyway. He had Cordelia now. It had never even occurred to her that Angel would be over her. She hadn't even thought ... Humiliation spilled over the slayer.

Buffy's eyes flicked to Cordelia, weary. Angel said she changed. She had visions, saved people, and knew how to fight. Sounded like a champion. Was that what _she_ still was? A champion? _Not anymore._ A voice said. After what'd done, what she'd been feeling ... A hollowness opened up in the blonde slayer.

Maybe it started after they met up that night. Maybe telling Angel her emptiness, her despair ripped out of Heaven, in even being alive had done it. He had barely recognized her then. A broken, hollow shell of who she used to be. She hadn't been the woman he loved. She hadn't been "perfect" or fiery or strong and dutiful anymore ... so he found someone else who was. _Who could blame him?_ She thought brokenly.

A savage, nihilistic thought crossed Buffy's mind in that moment. Why not just _tell_ Angel about sleeping with Spike? It's not like he'd care anymore. If Angel was mooning over Cordelia now, what did she have left to lose? What was the point _now_ hiding it? But her shame still trapped her.

Two tunnels faced them now, dark and winding with parts of the train rail missing or gone completely.

"We're splitting up." Angel declared. "Fred, Wes, you're going with Buffy. Cordy, Gunn, you're with me."

The team started to separate. Buffy watched as Cordelia automatically went to Angel's side. She tried to ignore the stab in her heart.

"We can't be apart long. If one of us finds a trail, we regroup." The slayer stated, looking over from Fred and Wes to Angel who nodded.

"We know the drill." Cordelia replied drily, shooting her a look.

 _I really should've just done this alone with Spike._ Buffy thought, weary. It would've been more of Spike's advances and more of the guilt and shame that followed after she gave into him like she always did even while she _tried_ to do what's right ... and she would've taken all that over one second of any of this.

"Whoa!" Cordelia exclaimed in surprise, suddenly jerking to the halt with a wide-eyed look.

"Cordelia?" Buffy said, confused.

"She's having a vision." Wesley told her. The ex-watcher and Fred were already hurrying over, leaving Buffy looking on.

Cordy shook her head. "Oh, you gotta be kidding me ..."

"What do you see?" Angel demanded.

The seer held her head. "Demons. Big, ugly, horns. _Really_ bad skin complexion. Kinda looks like that thing from _Predator_ without the bad dreads ..." She described, immersed. "They're at Hyperion ... I see Lorne. They're after ..." Cordelia's eyes popped open, lucid with horror. _"Connor!"_

"What?" Buffy bolted over in alarm. She looked to Angel and saw his expression darken dangerously.

"They sound like Grox'lar Beasts." Wesley said carefully. "They eat—"

"Babies." Angel growled. The vampire was dashing away, shooting past them like a cannon with breakneck speed.

Buffy wasn't far behind and the Fang Gang hurried to catch up, the hunt for Sumutar—and even her own demons—forgotten.

 _ **####**_

The Hyperion was overrun with Grox'lar Beasts. Five of them had broke in, and at least one could've been a match for any vampire or slayer. But Angel moved like a one-vampire warpath, attacking and cutting through every demon he saw to get to his son. His attacks were so ferocious Buffy didn't have trouble believing he probably could've killed every single one even without them.

One had already fallen, mercilessly by Angel. The A.I team were working as a team to take down another. Buffy locked fiercely with a third, darting by Angel's side and distracting the Grox'lar Beast to clear the path for him. Blows were exchanged. Eventually it pinned her to the ground and she kicked it off her with all her strength before rolling, finishing it off with a stab through the heart.

Giving one quick glance to make sure Angel's friends were holding their own, she ran down the hall and after Angel. She made out Lorne not too far from Connor's room, slumping between Wesley and Fred for support. His brightly-colored suit was torn from wounds and his head was bloodied.

"Oh, thank god you came!" Lorne was saying as Buffy skirted to stop in front of them. "There was no way I could've taken on those behemoths. I was ready to give my left horn for that tyke, but ..." He broke off, letting out a whoosh of breath.

Fred patted him on the chest. "I guess you didn't know baby-sitting could be so death-defying."

"Did I think I wouldn't be safe alone from any demon stupid and _suicidal_ enough to attack the Scourge of Europe's son right in his home? I was filling bottles and singing _Kumaya_ without an obit in mind, thanks." He said with feeling.

"Daddy's home." Buffy assured. She looked ahead and saw two Grox'lar Beasts dangerously close to Connor's room, one of which had a snarling vamp-faced Angel struggling in his gasp. "Get him out of here." She told Wes and Fred, rushing off.

 _"Connor!"_ He shouted, desperate to save his son.

Buffy whizzed past and got behind the Grox'lar Beast when he entered the threshold, swinging her sword and cutting it's head off in one clean motion. The head hit the ground hard with a _thud!_ and Connor's crying grew even louder, bouncing off the walls off the Hyperion.

The slayer moved to check if he was hurt, but then something wrapped around neck. She was pulled back harshly, bruising her esophagus, and slammed into the wall before being flung a couple yards down the hall. Buffy landed on her stomach, the breath driven out of her a second.

"Oh, that's gonna hurt in the morn ..." The slayer trailed off with a half-groan, her voice croaking as she glanced back and saw a new Grox'lar Beast approaching.

"We just want the kid." The Grox'lar Beast hissed.

"You want _that_ kid?" Buffy said in disbelief, still hoarse as she got up. "Do you _also_ you want to be ripped into itty bitty bits and scattered across the world? 'Cause that's what's gonna happen."

"I'm not afraid of you, Slayer."

"I wasn't talking about me." She looked back and the demon followed her gaze just as an Angel savagely swung his sword up, slashing from his stomach to his head, creating a gaping hole. The vampire looked over at them and snarled at the Grox'lar, his golden glare ripe with rage.

The Grox'lar Beast paled. He turned to look at her. "We didn't have a choice. We didn't have enough gas. The hospital was ten miles away!" He said shrilly.

The blonde slayer punched him twice in the face, before grabbing him by a horn and throwing him into the wall. "Bet you really wish now you'd taken a bus." She quipped, going to stab him. The Grox'lar caught her arm and punched her. Buffy grunted, struggling in a stalemate a moment, before she twisted and spun him around. She kicked him away and after blocking one last punch, gave the killing blow with one last slash across his chest.

The slayer stood over him, breathing heavily. "Should've took that bus." She said.

Buffy hurried back to Connor's room. Angel was already there, holding Connor and frantically checking him for injuries. So was Cordelia.

"I think he's alright." Angel stated, relief still tainted with worry.

"Yeah. He just woke up cranky." Cordelia's expression mirrored Angel's. She leaned closer to a still crying Connor. "Don't worry, Connor. I get it. Me and bedhead?" She soothed.

"Shh, Shh, it's okay ..." Angel murmured as he began rocking the infant, trying to stop his wailing. He shook his head. "I never should've left him."

"But he's okay now, right? That's what matters." Cordy told him. "Thank god for visions!" She exclaimed in relief. She wrapped around Angel, moving closer to him and Connor.

Buffy watched silently from the hall, unnoticed. She was covered in blood and grim, bruised and disheveled. Angel and Cordelia were both curled around Connor, looking like the perfect family.

For the first time Buffy wished she didn't feel anything at all.

* * *

 **A/N: Aw, poor Buffy. :( I hope I didn't overdo it with Cordelia's part. At this point Cordelia didn't know her feelings for Angel yet (I don't think Buffy showing up is enough for her to realize) and isn't really a jealous type to me so I tried to write it in a way that still made sense to her. As for Angel ... He's usually self-aware when it comes to what he feels for Buffy, but I think with the strong C/A added with the guilt of the Buffy situation, that could warrant him some confusion. I also want people to understand that at this point on Atvs Angel is at a very different place and very much has his own life. He's doing the best he can with Buffy, but the fact is he _does_ have a son now and does have feelings for Cordelia and nothing can just be exactly the same. I'm writing this fic the way one would an actual crossover. There's a lesson in this for Angel as much as there is for Buffy. **

**Buffy _finally_ finds out about Cangel ... ****As much as I hate hurting Buffy, it's refreshing to write her as the one watching Angel with someone else and to actually deal with the fact she's not the only one he has eyes for. Joss put Angel in that position way too many times and I never thought that was fair.**

 **NEXT CHAPTER:** Tensions run higher than ever between Angel's friends and Buffy, along with unexpected snags. With Sumatur still on the loose, Buffy decides to take matters into her own hands ...

 _ **Thanks for the 8 favorites, 15 follows, and 23 reviews!**_


	5. Total Eclipse of the Heart

**A/N:** This story might just be a current obsession. Buffy/Angel angst is never not addicting. I really appreciate all the positive feedback to this story, even getting a few non-Bangelers reading. That was a nice surprise. :) This chapter is pretty much the tip-off towards the climax of the Angel half before it's back in Sunnydale (and things get exponentially worse lol). Prepare yourself tho because this chapter gets **INTENSE**. Like I gave an angst warning for a reason, guys.

 **Disclaimer:** **Everything goes to Joss, as always. If it was mine Cordelia would've ended up with Doyle in the afterlife, Atvs Season 3 would've been less contrived and lazily-written (Cangel tho ... like you could've written that _SO_ much better), and Bangel probably would've been endgame (honestly). **

_**Open to Constructive Criticism/OCCness warnings!**_

* * *

 _Total Eclipse of the Heart_

~~Buffy~~

Buffy scanned the Hyperion, raking her eyes sharply over the Grox'lar bodies and mix of blood and broken glass on the floor. The demons were dead. Undoubtedly dead. True to out-of-proportion Grox'lar form though they had done their damage. The lobby was a disaster area. Herself and the Fang Gang were the only thing a little _less_ disastrous.

"Oof!"

"Wesley!"

She may have spoke too soon. The slayer turned, and saw Wes toppling over. Fred caught him before he fell, helping him back to his feet.

"No ... no ... I am ... quite alright ..." The ex-watcher said breathlessly, waving her off. "Just the few bruised ribs acting up from the last—" He settled heavily into a banquette booth, and drew a sharp intake of breath. " ... _Possibly_ now broken ..." He winced, one arm around his rib-cage.

"Speak for yourself, English." Gunn muttered.

Buffy walked over. "How is everything?" Her gaze swept over them, checking their injuries.

" _Smashing_." Wes mumbled, sounding not so there.

"I'd say there was definitely _kinds_ of 'smashing' ..." The blonde said slowly, giving him a look. She turned to others. "Is he okay?"

"He got knocked out trying to protect me from the Grox'lars. I think he's a little ... concussion-y." Fred answered. She looked back to Wes, a frown on her face. "You didn't have to do that, y'know."

"You were in danger, Fred."

"Yeah, but y'know, you really didn't have to." Fred said uneasily. "Charles was right there ... n-n-not that I'm not grateful or anything. It was very brave of you. It's just that you're not as much a fighter ..." The brunette saw Wes's face, and quickly added, "I don't like seeing you hurt, is all."

"That ... means a lot, Fred." The ex-watcher's voice was tighter from more than pain.

"Good thing I saved your asses." Gunn remarked.

"I know." Fred gave the demon hunter a warm look. "If it wasn't for Charles, I mean who knows what would've happened."

"Hmm. _Death_ , I imagine." Wes said blandly, tossing his head back.

"I guess we should really be giving it up to Cordy. Her vision saved Connor." Buffy said. "I never thought that being the telegraph to a bunch of opaque higher powers could come in handy."

"Neither did I at first." Gunn admitted. "So ...? Kill that inner cynic of yours yet?"

"My cynic's wily. He has a panic room." She replied dryly. "Just a day in the life of Angel's world ..." She sighed, sitting down on the banquette. "How'd this part of the story go again? Cordelia lip-locked with some nice demon boy, and then bam, it was _'I see dead people'_?"

"Angel's friend did give her his visions before he died, yes." Wesley confirmed. "Although I doubt he was aware of the long-reaching consequences ..."

"Like turning her head into brains, scrambled?" She guessed, giving a flat look. "I heard. Sounded like it was a real big thing. I mean, I'd expect a lot of _migraines_ ..."

"Yeah, the migraines from hell." Gunn said, grim.

"They were killing her." Wes murmured. "She hid the effects for years, not letting us in on the full extent of the damage. I doubt she even knew herself. But then just last month she collapsed and ... it all became clear."

"And Cordelia's cure-all was ... _demonizing_?" Suddenly the slayer felt like she was underwater, listening but not really hearing.

"It was the Power somethings or others that did that. She couldn't have visions any other way." Fred said.

"I bet Cordelia was psyched. _'Part of the demon. Sign up now. Horns, tails, scales at risk.'_ " Buffy couldn't help but mock. "She had to have been hyper-freaking about her sex appeal. Her of all ..." She saw the looks the A.I team were giving her, and sobered. "N-not that I'm judging. Hey. Been there." She tried to smile.

Gunn shrugged. "Yeah, well, it was her choice. She wanted the visions."

 _She had a choice?_

Fred saw her expression. "They put her on some kind of soul journey better known as the 'Wacky funhouse acid trip'. And after all that, she still wanted to keep the visions to help Angel." Her eyes softened. "She's a real hero, isn't she?"

Buffy tried not to recoil at the mention of Angel. _A hero._ The phrase echoed in her mind, and it sounded like the thought of someone else. Saving people with visions ... hiding the pain of them for so long ... choosing to keep them, even demonizing herself for it ... all for Angel. For his mission. All of those things were what heroes did. She had just never thought that Cordy would be one of them.

"Wasn't exactly the word I would've used for the meanest girl in Sunnydale. " Buffy couldn't help but remark.

"Ah, yes. The cheeky, thoughtless Queen C. Endless flair for dramatic." Wesley mused. "Thankfully those days are past now ... _questionably_."

It made sense now. Cordelia truly _had_ changed. She knew responsibility and sacrifice, maybe even selflessness. Would Angel settle for anything less?

The simple thought stirred something in Buffy, unexpected but sharp, and it froze her in ice once more.

"Now you have a problem with the old model?" The slayer forced the slightest of smiles at Wes. "I remember all the times you and Cordelia were at it with the eyes and the subtle not so subtle salivation."

Gunn laughed. "That's a joke, right?" He glanced at Wesley who was not particularly keen on looking anyone in the eye, and then did a double-take. "For _real_?"

"The drool filled the whole library."

"Oh, my _god_!" It was Fred who was laughing now.

Wes grimaced. "One of the _darker_ stains on my past ..." He deadpanned.

Fred was still hysterical. "I can't even picture you and—"

"And let's _not_ , shall we? It was a phase. It's past. _Very_ well past." Wesley sat up painfully, taking a moment to catch his breath. "We are close, respected friends and co-workers. Teammates."

"The team." Buffy said, half to herself. She paused, looking over all three. "Angel's certainly got the nice, well-oiled machine." She couldn't help a pang of envy. That was the exact opposite of her with her friends right now. Angel just seemed ... so close to them, so functional. They went to ballet together. They were _there_ for him. He was happy. And she was—

Envy was starting to become bitterness, and Buffy shook herself quickly. "You guys need to get patched up. We'll touch base after, see who's able for the Sumutar chase."

"What about Angel?"

But the slayer didn't answer Gunn's question, already walking away.

Buffy, beaten and battle-weary, left the group behind. The hotel felt big and empty as she walked its halls alone, and she supposed it fit her. She didn't go to Angel. He was still with Connor, and Cordy was still with him. She let him have that. A part of her wondered if she should prompt him on Sumutar, but the truth was she didn't care. She wouldn't dare push her non-existent luck when he was still with Cordelia.

She made her way to back of the Hyperion where the bar was and sat up there by herself. Always by herself.

Buffy had tried not to think about Angel and Cordelia alone together. Now the only thing in her thoughts was the agony she felt in that moment of Angel and Cordy with Connor. It had been like the feeling of cold air after a door that had been slammed shut. Cordelia bit by bit had become everything to Angel that she used to be. She was doing things for him that she had done or could have. Like raising Connor. _That_ was theirs. C _onnor_ was theirs. She had no part in it. She wasn't sure she really _wanted_ a part in it. But the fact that _Cordelia_ did ... that she was sharing something with Angel she couldn't possibly touch ... Buffy hadn't thought it possible to feel any more unnecessary or obsolete as a person than she already did, but somehow still the bar always got lower.

 _Wow._ _'Keep all things Angel jr. out of my scope, just don't give them to Cordelia. This is what I've been reduced to._ Buffy could hardly recognize these feelings as her own.

She didn't have a right to feel any of the things she was feeling. Even if there was a part of her somehow in this black hole she was living in that felt obligated to Connor, she could never be there for him and Angel the way Cordelia was. Obligation ... was obligation real? At least Cordelia _accepted_ Connor. At least she didn't have to pretend.

All she could think now was _'No wonder'_. No wonder Angel moved on. No wonder he fell for Cordelia. Why would he still want _her_? This weak, pathetic, _selfish_ person? He had seen enough that night to know that. Cordelia was everything she wasn't now. Everything Angel could love.

"Well, if this isn't something I haven't seen before ..." Buffy jolted at the voice, and saw Angel's friend Lorne approaching. The demon was battered, holding an icepack to his head. "I guess our minds think alike." He made his way behind the bar, and pulled out two glasses. "Now I'm no Issac from _Love Boat_ , but ... you look like you could use a stiff one." He pushed one towards her.

Images of her heaving her guts out on the edge of a street with Spike holding her hair popped in her mind, and it was enough to make her stomach roil. "If I get one, I'll get another. And since I'm _really_ not looking to see my own insides again ..." She gave a meaningful look.

Lorne chuckled. "Oh, we've _all_ been there, sweetums. But sometimes ..." He turned, grabbing a bottle of vodka and a few others off the bar shelf. "The drowning of the sorrows? A necessary evil." He poured himself a drink.

Buffy stared at the glass, tempted in the way only a person in complete existential disarray could be. _Bad idea, Buffy. Bad, bad, bad ..._ She chanted. She imagined the look on Angel's face, suddenly finding himself dealing with a Drunkface Buffy in his own home. _Now that_ is _a bad idea._ She thought with feeling.

"No thanks." Buffy said with grimace, pushing the glass aside. She sighed, and looked up at him. "And you? What are you ... _drowning_?"

"My black and blues for a start. Better balm than medicine."

"I heard you weren't much of a fighter." Buffy said sympathetically.

The demon shrugged, mixing his drink. "Yeah, they're a tough crowd. Ironic coming from a guy who's had everything from champions to the worst hell's ever vomited ..." Lorne looked back at her as he finished, and suddenly all levity fell away. "... But I can bet my vocal cords they're a lot tougher on you."

"What do you mean?" She was wary now.

"I could feel the wallow from here, honey. _'Here Comes the Rain Again'_ is playing in the background and with no end in sight."

It didn't take a genius to catch his drift, and the slayer's defenses went up. "I'm happy for Angel." She said firmly. "He has a son now and Cordelia and ... just everything in life he could want. He moved on. And those are all good things." Her brave face didn't crack but it wanted to, and she looked down.

"No need to wear Mother Teresa for me, Slayerkins. You got some deep, nasty pain going on in that 'size zero'." The demon stared at her meaningfully. "Y'know, most of the time I need someone to sing, but with _you_ ..."

" _Sing_?" She wasn't sure she liked where this was going.

"Oh." Lorne flashed a winning smile. "Hi. I'm Lorne. Full-time host, part-time empath. Sing for me, get a free reading." He shrugged. " _Usually_ anyway. But when that one comes along that's nothing but one big, dark cloud of misery and despair ..." He raised his eyebrows at her.

Dismay ran rife through Buffy, sharpened with anger. _Me, in all headcase fashion, breaking Demon Ricky Martin's_ mood _rules. Isn't that just classic me. Out with the old, in with new, right?_ "You're not _supposed_ to ... You can't just go and ... I don't even know you!" She answered, defensive.

"Wouldn't if I _could_ , trust me. It causes one hell of a headache. I already have a _concussion_."

The slayer was only more upset. "Headacheys must be going around." She returned icily. "How 'bout I give us _both_ an aspirin and go take me and my 'dark cloud' somewhere far, far away from here?" Humiliated, Buffy went to leave.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa." A hand latched onto her wrist and she twisted around, seizing up like a cornered animal. " _Whoa!_ Easy, Wilma Rudolph." Lorne joked, holding up his other hand. "Clearly we got off on the wrong foot. Now I didn't mean any disrespect. Auras to empaths ... it's like flies to honey." His tone was light, but apology was in his eyes. "People get this crazy idea I'm a bit of meddler."

"Oh, why would _that_ be?" She muttered.

"Okay, guilty as charged." Lorne conceded, smiling slightly. "But hey. Can you blame me? To ignore someone in my periphery day in and day out sending pain waves to _my_ satellite?" He scoffed. "I'd have to be made of stone."

Slowly Buffy sat back down, fighting to get a grip back on herself. " _How_ ... how much can you ...?" She queried, uncomfortable.

Lorne hesitated. The unease on his face bothered her. "Enough to know you could use some 'Unload & Expunge' right now." He answered simply. "Cleansing of your soul?" He offered, giving a tentative smile.

Exhaustion swamped the blonde, and she looked away. "Not so much with the 'unloading' and 'expunging'. And _definitely_ too late for _cleansing_ ..."

"The offer's always open. Contrary to popular belief, I listen almost as well as I talk." He replied good-naturedly. The slayer didn't respond, and Lorne's smile fell a bit. " ... I know. _Believe me_. We've _all_ been where you are, Sunshine. _All_ of us."

 _No. You haven't._

But Buffy said nothing, quiet in her bitterness.

A long moment passed. Lorne drank his drink, not prodding or pushing. Slowly the tense silence turned companionable. As disturbed as Buffy was by the idea of a complete stranger knowing exactly how she felt, it was a relief in a way. There were no expectations. No pretenses.

"It _is_ a mad world..." The demon mused.

"You're not gonna make me sing _that_ , are you?" The slayer queried, unimpressed.

"Couldn't bear it if you did. In more ways than one."

Buffy didn't miss a beat. "Good. 'Cause if you _were_ looking for me to get out my existential jollies in some spontaneous burst of song belting out deep, personal thoughts on the mortal coil, I think I'm all out." She deadpanned.

"My head must still be spinning. Did you just say ...?"

She nodded easily. "You missed my big number. Should've got tickets."

"Eee gads. Don't tell me Sweet's _still_ at it with those funky murder musicals."

Buffy noticed the grimace. "I take it you've heard of him."

"You kiddin' me? He was my business partner." Lorne told her. The slayer's confusion was obvious and he explained. "I met him five years ago here in L.A., and boy, did we hit it off. Bonded over everything Sinatra to the Blues Brothers. I mean, that demon's taste in music ... _wow_! Could've talked for days with that one. Guy gave me the idea for Caritas, if you can imagine that."

 _I really_ _can't_. "And the whole _'Dance, Dance, Burn'_ thing? Must've been great for opening night." She said sarcastically.

"The whole thing turned out to be a huge mistake. I've always been up for show-stoppers ... but _his_? Just a _little_ too literal." The green demon admitted, feeling in his voice. "All the soul music in the world, and that guy couldn't grasp, well, actually _having_ a soul. Had to—" He did the 'cut' gesture.

"Partnership terminated."

Lorne nodded heavily. "Like the iceberg to the Titanic. The paperwork was a real bitch." He shook his head. "That was the end of _that_ whirlwind romance ..." He deadpanned, drinking his Sea Breeze.

"We destroyed his talisman. He's back in his hell dimension playing his fiddle. Maybe choreographing his own version of _Sweeney Todd_."

"Now that _is_ music to my ears."

Buffy smiled a little, liking Lorne. The moment passed though and she was subdued once more, caught back in the Angel pain circle.

"The big guy's trying, y'know." Lorne said after a long moment, and a startled Buffy looked up. The demon's expression was kind. "Not much he can do for it— _'it'_ being Connor and Cordy—but he _is_. Cut him the slack he won't cut himself. This isn't easy on him either."

"Really?" The slayer's tone was callously flat. " 'Cause to me it all just looks like one big cakewalk." _Not that I'm_ bitter _or anything._

Lorne scoffed. "I beg to differ."

Buffy's face betrayed nothing, hiding the resentment inside. She knew it was true. She knew how guilty Angel was, and that he would only be more guilty if he knew the truth. That she was still deep in such a dark place, deeper even with Spike now dragging her down. She knew that, and still resented Angel. Because she didn't _want_ his guilt. She didn't want his _pity_. She didn't want him to turn her into a _project_.

 _Why does he have to ...? I don't even **deserve** ... _ Her thoughts ran away with her, resentment mixing with self-loathing, and the conflict was so overwhelming and confusing it was beyond even Buffy to understand.

" _Don't_ ... Don't tell him." It came out like a plea, undercut with the desperation she was trying to hide.

Lorne gave a sudden laugh. "Do I have a death wish?" He chortled. Buffy's eyes widened, as startled by the reaction as she was confused, but the demon shrugged it off. "Oh, your secrets are safe with me. _Trust_ _me_."

"Secret _s_?" She said, worried. Was he talking about Spike?

Lorne just smiled knowingly, then took his drink and his icepack and walked away.

The slayer sighed. _I just want to turn and run out of this city as fast as_ _possible_. _Why be here, the rain on Angel's parade in all 'Living Dead Girl' glory? Not like he_ _needs my rain. Or I need his parade._ Bitterness wrestled with guilt, and that just made her feel worse.

It just _hurt_. Every second she was still in L.A. it hurt, even worse than Sunnydale. How could she stay any longer, witnessing just how expendable she really was in Angel's happy, Buffy-free life? How she could bear another day, a hour, even a second? She just wasn't that strong.

Buffy knew however that none of that mattered. She couldn't leave, not yet. Because Sumutar was still out there. And as much as she didn't care about finding him, or even stopping him for that matter, she still needed to. He was her distraction.

She wondered then if they would ever come a day she would run out of distractions.

 _ **####**_

Buffy headed back to the lobby. Fred and Gunn were still perched on the banquette, this time with first-aid kits strewn around. Fred was bandaging Gunn's chest, his torn shirt half-up as she dressed the wound. Wesley was picking books off the floor. There was still no sign of Angel or Cordelia.

A restrained groan came from Wes. The slow and stiff-moving ex-watcher was attempting to realign the bookshelf, expression twisted in a pained grimace. Buffy went to help, lifting the bookshelf easily and standing it back in place.

Wesley gave her a grateful look. "Thank you ..." He looked down, distracted by something, and his eyes widened. _"Those damn bloody monsters!"_ He exclaimed in sudden outrage. He rushed to the floor, pain forgotten, and suddenly two books were in his hands. They were half-flattened from being under the bookshelf, torn and stained beyond recognition.

"This was the _Fzmanian Codex_!" Wes cried. "These are over _three hundred years old_! And now ... look at it!" He looked so devastated Buffy found herself trying not to laugh. "Do you know how important this—" He broke off, noticing her smile, and gave a narrow stare. "I fail to see how this is amusing."

"Sorry. It's just ... been a while since I've seen a watcher pop a blood vessel over books lost in the collateral. Kinda missed it." She gave a bittersweet smile.

"This was one of only two copies in the world." Wesley insisted, still stern. "Do you know what that means?"

The slayer was unmoved. "Find the other copy?" She replied, flat.

Wes pursed his lips, looking irked. "I may very well be imagining it ... or it's possible you haven't changed at all." He denoted, just as flat.

 _I wish._ She put on a tight smile. "Well, I just figured we could use an old time's sake."

The blonde gave a more friendly smile, trying to let him know she hadn't meant her words, and helped him put the rest of the books away. As they placed them back on the bookshelf, she noticed Wesley's gaze straying to Fred. She was still tending to Gunn, and the two sat close very together.

"Ex-girlfriend?" Buffy asked.

Wesley looked startled at the question. He hesitated, a resigned grimace on his face, then averted his eyes to the books. " _'Ex'_ would imply a form of action ... which is not my area of expertise as it would shockingly turn out." He said in discomfort, a frown on his face.

"Oh." An awkward beat passed. "If it means anything ... I get it. No love for Buffy either." She tried to comfort. "Angel and Cordelia alone together going on forty-five minutes? Exhibit A." She deadpanned.

This time it was Wes who didn't know what to say. "They're looking after Connor ..." He replied carefully.

"Exhibit _B_." She said lightly. She put away another book, and gave the ex-watcher a look. "You can turn off the tact. I noticed. I mean, I'd have to be _'Legally_ _Blonde'_ not to." She stated with a slight edge, reminded of her earlier humiliation.

" ... He didn't mean it." Wes said all of sudden, nothing but sympathetic.

Buffy looked at him. "Mean what?"

"Whatever it is he said. He didn't mean it that way." He looked slightly uncomfortable. "He never _could_ express himself in the right—"

"Could do without the crash course on Angel and his _emotional limitations_ right about now, Wes." The blonde slayer cut off, curt now. She shoved a book back on the shelf.

"He means well." Wesley continued after a moment, gently pressing. "You can imagine how hard on him this all must be ..."

Buffy couldn't help but scoff. " _Hard_. Yeah. _Everything's_ hard for _Angel_." She remarked, scornful. Everyone here seemed determined to feel so sorry for _Angel_ of all people, but did anybody care about how _she_ was feeling?

"It's hard on you. That makes it hard on him."

Those words gave Buffy pause. She looked over to Wes, meeting his meaningful look.

 _A guilty conscience. Yay._ The slayer thought, cynicism persisting. At least the blip on his radar that became her could induce guilt ... which said _what_ exactly? Angel would feel guilty over breaking a _plate_. But still, yay guilt. That totally wasn't the same as _pity_ or anything. It wasn't like she felt guilty about _him_ feeling guilty. She felt so much better about herself.

 _I really am a mess._

Kicking herself for the hole she should've known better than to dig for herself, Buffy sighed impatiently. "Look, _all_ I was trying to say before was that I know how it feels. We're in the same situation. Watching someone ... see _anybody_ but you."

"I'm worried, Charles."

"Don't be. I'm good."

Fred and Gunn's voices drifted over to them.

"But the wound you got from the ballet ... I think you opened up a few stitches." Fred was frowning, a look of sweet concern on her face as she gingerly touched his bloodied stomach. "Here, maybe I can—" She turned to the first aid kit, reaching for an ace bandage.

Gunn grabbed her hand, drawing her back to him. "Hey. I'm good." He reiterated. He gave her a softer smile. "If someone as tough as you can it make out those last couple fights, then I guess that means I'm alright, huh?"

Fred blushed. "N-Not especially tough. I mean, you're the ..." Realizing what she was saying, she laughed self-consciously and shook his head. "Right, right. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ..." Her babble was cut short, giving another nervous chuckle at Gunn's warm look, and she gazed back shyly.

Wesley watched, his expression unreadable. " ... No. No, I don't think the situation is quite the same at all." He sounded resigned.

Buffy looked back, a question in her eyes she was afraid to ask. "I think I'm gonna get the others started on cleaning and burning the bodies. You can finish the rest of this, right?" She began to leave.

"Angel—"

"We don't need to bother Angel right now."

The slayer's tone was firm, perhaps a little authoritative than necessary, but she didn't look back as she kept walking.

She wasn't sure if that had been what Wesley was _really_ about to say.

Better she didn't.

* * *

~~Angel~~

"Everything's gonna be alright, Connor." Cordelia was walking over to the crib, a lullaby-sedated Connor dozing in her arms. "Sure, we've had a bit of a demon snafu with the whole' trying to kill you' thing, but you get used to it. Getting with the cradle-robbing now, but one of these days you're gonna be a big, strong warrior just like your daddy and then you'll show _all_ those demons who's—" She stopped, noticing Angel's glare. "What? I'm comforting."

" _Not_ me." He ground out.

Cordy rolled her eyes. "Imparting with the real world logic here, which just so happens to be demon-infested ... do I need to go over the dangers of helicopter parenting again?" She gave Angel a meaningful look over her shoulder, setting Connor back in his crib.

"He's finally back asleep." Angel sighed, his shoulders slumped with exhaustion. "I shouldn't have left him. Especially with just Lorne. He wasn't protected."

" _Come on_." Cordelia put on a big smile. "I mean, what were _really_ the chances of a bunch of demons coming after Connor straight to your house?" She faltered a little.

"Only a 110 in 100." Angel gave her sharp look. "You can say it. Ever since Connor was born, he's been a target. I knew _better_. This happened before." He turned away, pacing as guilt and frustration swirled inside him.

"Okay, so Connor's part of some big prophecy and the son of a vampire ... _the_ vampire. Kind of fair game." The seer shrugged. "But Angel, you also kill _demons_ for a living and sometimes things like this are gonna happen. You can't be everywhere at once."

"But I should've _stayed_. He's my son. If it wasn't for your vision, he would be demon chow by now." He argued.

Cordelia gave him a tired look. "That whole 'can't be everywhere at once' thing I said a few seconds ago ... Just went right over your head, didn't it?"

But the vampire wouldn't let himself hear it. "The only thing that matters is Connor. I thought I knew that. How could I let ...? I wasn't _thinking_ —" He shook his head wretchedly, his regret spilling over, and suddenly Cordy wasn't there. Only his guilt.

" _Angel!"_ Cordy called in concern. "I get it, okay? Feeling this way, it's completely normal. You're not just a single dad. You're a demon fighter, and a _hero_. That's like three of the worst kinds of stress you can have, not counting the source which is one very neurotic, bottled-up vampire—"

"This wasn't supposed to happen." Angel said abruptly, cutting her off.

Cordelia studied him carefully, a frown gathering. "What's this _really_ about?"

The souled vampire flinched just slightly. He hesitated, deep inner turmoil magnifying, and turned away. " ... I should've been there. I was supposed to be. Protect him, keep him safe." The next part was his confession, and the hardest for him to say. He faced her. " ... But _Buffy_ needed my help." The words came out pained, wracked with guilt.

Cordy's expression cleared. She stared at him, weary but not particularly surprised.

"I should've sent her away. Some part of me knew that. But I looked at her and she just seemed so ... so lost and I-I couldn't. I couldn't bear to leave her." Angel's tone quavered a little, overwhelmed by emotion as he paced in distressed circle. He looked back to Cordy, shame in his eyes. "I put Buffy before Connor ... and it almost cost me my son."

"Angel ..."

"I shouldn't of done that. I _can't_. Connor is ..." The vampire was getting a bit desperate now.

Cordelia stared up at him for a long moment. "It wasn't about Buffy." She said at last, coolly matter-of-fact. "You could go out, kill demons and save people, and the same thing would still happen. Part of the dad-Champion balance thing."

Doubt crawled all over Angel. A part of him wondered then if he should really talk to her about this. Their relationship had just become so confusing. But she had always been his confidante and he was just so distressed ... what else could he do?

"But it was. It always was. And look what happened." He whispered. Cordy let out a little sigh and the resigned, beaten-down look on her face filled Angel at once with guilt. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be talking about ..." He can't stop the words from coming and regretted it just as fast, trailing off. _Shouldn't I?_

"Why shouldn't you?" Cordy raised her head, echoing his very thoughts as she frowned at him. Not comfortable, but certainly confused. "You want to air this out, get with the airy. What friends are for, right?" Her words are so simple, so to the point as always and as always it made Angel feel relief.

Only this time it didn't last.

 _Are we just friends?_ The vampire thought, strangled with confusion and uncertainty. His conversation with Buffy on whether or not he loved Cordelia filled his mind. He blocked it back out immediately, pushing it away and burying it for the sake of his sanity. In that moment he had to.

"I've been so worried over her, y'know." Angel confessed, voice soft. "I guess somewhere along the way I ... just lost sight of everything else."

"You mean like forgetting what's right in front of you?" Cordy supplied, unimpressed. "Hmm. Where have I heard this?"

Their earlier talk came back to Angel, and it was like a dagger. _She was right._ "I should've known it would come to this with Buffy. I don't why I thought ..." He broke off, overwhelmed with conflict, and shook his head. "Everything's ... _different_ now." He said, his voice strained.

Smiling thinly, Cordelia nodded. "Old habits die hard." She said simply.

Angel was silent, a cord struck. _That's right. That's the way it_ had _been ..._ Nothing had mattered more than Buffy's needs and keeping her safe. Buffy always came first in his mind, in his thoughts. She had been the most important thing in his life. For so long it had been like that. Even now he worried for her. Even now he wanted to take care of her. It wasn't the way it used to be anymore, and he knew he shouldn't. Knew it, and did it anyway. Buffy had come before everything ...

"But it has to. _Die_. I can't put Buffy before anyone or everything, not anymore." The words were like killing a part of himself, but there was resolution there. Clarity. "I need to take care of my son. Connor ... He comes first." It was the only thing was Angel was certain of. Perhaps all he _needed_ to be certain of.

" _Obviously_." Cordy scoffed. "And while we're on the subject of _everything_ ..." She began, stepping forward.

Angel didn't respond, drifting back over to Connor's crib. He stared down at his sleeping son, a broody frown on his face.

"I almost lost him, Cordy."

It was all he could say, shook deep inside, and he lapsed in quiet, a million different worse-case scenarios running through his mind. Cordelia didn't press, giving him his moment as she gazed at him sympathetically.

"I didn't know it'd be this hard. Raising Connor." Angel admitted. "It used to be a lot more simple. Fighting demons, saving lives, _helping_. Now I have this other life depending on me and trying to do what I do and still keep him safe ..." He trailed off, and shook his head. "It's like being pulled in every direction."

"Welcome to the world of parenting." She joked gently.

"All I want is to see him grow up. But what I _am_ , what I do ..." The vampire's unease grew until he couldn't take it and he looked away, bereft. "Sometimes I wonder if he should've been someone else's son."

The admission ended him more than any stake ever would. Connor was his miracle. He loved him with a ferocity that hurt even to comprehend, but was that enough? He still was what he was. He was immersed in demons and darkness and there was no changing that even if he could. But Connor was different. He was human. He had such a bright future ahead of him. Angel would never be able to live with himself if he was the one who snuffed that out.

"Connor was never going to be somebody elses' son. Built an entire prophecy around it." Cordelia remarked matter-of-factly. Angel looked at her, not comforted, and she softened. "He's _your_ son, Angel. He always will be."

"But what do I give him?" The vampire was filled with doubt. "How am I supposed to protect him when all I do is put him in danger?"

She shook her head. "No one could love your son the way you do. No one could love _anyone_ the way you do. That's what makes you Angel. That's what you give him." She stared at him earnestly, her eyes not wavering from his. "What are a few demons and a blood habit against that?"

Angel was moved by the words. But his worry remained. "If anything ever happened to him ..."

"As long as he has you as his father, then nothing ever will." Cordy said, moving to stand in front of him.

He took in the sincerity in her eyes and her reassuring smile. Finally a sense of warm comfort enveloped him. He stared at her gratefully, a smile tugging at his lips. For a long moment everything else but her seemed to fall away around him. Angel wondered, not for the first time, what he would ever do without her.

"Uh, sorry."

The moment broke, snapping Angel out of Cordelia's gaze. Lorne was standing in the doorway, an icepack to his head.

"Didn't mean to interrupt ..." The demon was awkward.

Angel knew why he was here. "Connor's fine."

"That's a relief. I thought we were going to get a side of baby veal there for a second. Heck of a timing, you guys. _Whew_!"

"Just another day of 'Follow my vision'." Cordelia quipped. "Connor's not sashimi and neither are you. I'd chalk that up to a win." She stated casually, looking to the others.

Lorne scoffed. "Yeah. I'll break out the victory shots once my brain unscrambles ..." He winced, pressing the icepack harder. "Sorry about all the Grox'lar trouble. God help me I would've done anything to keep the kid out of _that_ free-for-all banquet."

"It's not your fault. I should've kept more of us here."

Cordelia looked between the two, and rolled her eyes. "Dead Grox'lars. Not dead us. Can we live in the now please?"

The souled vampire still wasn't quite in the now, but it was enough to jerk him. He turned to Cordy. "You got hurt earlier in the cave-in. You should go. Put something on it." His eyes flitted over her bloodied face, quiet concern in his expression.

Cordy looked at him a moment, stare narrowed. Rolling her eyes, she nodded. "Okay. But if I turn out to have some uber-cool heal-y thing in my half-demon powers, then you'll be the one covering the medical expenses with all the cash you don't actually have."

"Glad to see someone's taking everything in stride." Lorne said in amusement, watching her go. "Grab that bullrina by the horns yet?" He asked, walking in.

"Lorne ..." Angel responded, weary.

"Still on 5th St. straight to nowhere, I see. I guess the magic of your little chat with _Dr. Love_ Lorne already wore off."

Frustration filled Angel. " _Really_ not the time for this now, Lorne." He went to walk past, in no state now to discuss this.

"I saw you after the ballet, Angel. You were going to take the plunge with Cordy. Spill your feelings, jump out of this _'Will-they'?-'Won't they'?,_ and straight into romance galore." Angel stiffened then, stopping a second, and it was just enough for his friend to continue. "Now you're back to keeping her away like she's gonna eat you alive and hey, we all know she would if she could, but ..." Lorne walked over, staring at him searchingly. "What happened, champ?"

An image of Buffy burned in his mind. "I ... can't, Lorne." Angel said in a sigh, feeling hopeless.

"Can't or _'can't'_?" Lorne queried, his look meaningful.

"I can't." He repeated, not clarifying. "Can I?" The souled vampire asked himself, confused. He shook his head. "It's complicated." He told him in a curt tone, growing frustrated again. Did they really need to talk about this _now_?

"Because you got a pretty puppy dog-eyed slayer downstairs waiting for you to kill all her demons?"

Multiple nerves were struck at the words. The close brush with Connor, the thing with Cordy, and his debilitating, all-consuming worry over Buffy's state of mind rushed up all at once and it was like the world was spinning. Angel refused to answer, turning away from his friend's knowing eyes.

"Old flames. Always seem to find ways to turn everything into one great, big _M.C. Esher_ painting, don't they?" He smiled understandingly.

" ... Letting Buffy be here was a mistake." The vampire said at last, tone flat.

Lorne gave a snort, sitting down in a chair. "Saw that coming from a mile away, _Clouseau_."

 _So did I._ But he let it happen anyway. The incident with Connor came back with a brutalizing vengeance.

If he had sent Buffy away, Connor wouldn't have nearly gotten killed. He wouldn't have hurt Buffy with Connor, Cordelia, even _Darla_. He wouldn't have to worry about whether or not Buffy was doing fine and whether or not to be guilty if she wasn't. He wouldn't be caught between new feelings, and old feelings he only just began to lock away. So many things happening now wouldn't be happening if he had just given Buffy a tip-off for Sumutar, and sent her on her way.

Out of all the repercussions, only two of those truly mattered to Angel: endangering Connor and hurting Buffy. He knew if he could take it all back and make everything better, he would. If only it were so simple.

"It wasn't easy for Buffy being brought back. I thought she was still in some kind of trouble." He admitted. "Maybe I was wrong, and i-it's me. Making excuses. Digging up feelings that I..." He ran out of words, beside himself, and looked away. "Buffy, she ... she makes me forgot things I shouldn't. Always has." It made sense to him in a way. Whatever this thing with Cordy was, Buffy still had this undeniable hold on him. She shouldn't and _he_ shouldn't, but it was just so easy to fall back to her ... _too_ easy.

Lorne listened. He closed his eyes a moment, a sad look on his face.

The vampire didn't notice. "It's me. Not letting go, not ..."

"Uh, Angel Bear ..." Lorne spoke lamely.

"It _has_ to be me." Angel was becoming a bit manic now, ignoring his friend as he paced back and forth. "Buffy would _tell_ me if something was still wrong. She would have way before. "

"Maybe she wouldn't."

Angel lurched to halt, turning to stare at Lorne. "What do you mean she _wouldn't_?"

He shrugged. "Well, I'm saying she could have reasons." Angel was staring at him suspiciously now, and the Pylean demon turned a little intimidated. "I-I mean, for starters ... there is that big _'ex'_ you got in front of 'boyfriend' ..." He pointed out, somewhat nervous.

"Yeah, _and_?" Angel replied sharply. "Buffy would _still_ tell me. She still would've came to me if she needed ... She always has before." Each sentence came out only more defensive, and he felt inexplicably angry.

"Well, I—"

"Y'know what, Lorne?" Angel snapped suddenly, getting in his face. "Do me a favor. Don't talk about things you don't understand, alright?"

Lorne held up his hands. "Hey, don't eat the devil's advocate, sport." Angel only glared at him, his comments still bothering him more than he cared to explain." 'Course, you could always get her to sing for me to be sure. Maybe a nice Celine Dion song."

 _Now there's an idea._ Angel paused, frowning deeply. Why hadn't _he_ thought of that?

After a few good moments seriously considering it, even imaging ways to go about it, he shook his head. "I don't need to. Because she would tell me." He stated again, insistent. He told himself that, over and over. He needed to.

"I guess you really don't." Lorne commented. A not entirely comfortable silence settled between them and then his friend stood up. "Angel. Now this is just a spit-ball ... " He began, walking over. "... but on the crazy, off-chance Buffy _did_ still have a case of _deadonia_ ..." He stood in front of him now, looking him in the eye. "What would you do then?"

 _What would I do?_ Angel felt sick.

"I guessing that might add on another crimp to the _'might be'_ with Cordy." Lorne continued, studying him very carefully. Angel wouldn't even look at him, stonewalling more than ever, and the bit of a question in his friend's eyes died. He let out a sigh. "Oh, boy."

"What do you want me to say, Lorne?" He responded, snapping.

The Pylean scoffed. "You don't have to say anything." He looked at him steadily. "Angel. _I get it_. I mean, this whole _Betty_ - _Veronica_ situation you got going here? You'd probably rather be back in hell."

"I could still find a good warlock. Take the express back."

"Yeah, a lot of yucks. But if we were to drive this hypothetical home, riddle me this." Lorne stared at him with a meaningful expression, quite serious now. "Cordy or a Buffy reading her Sylvia Plaths. Would you choose because you'd choose ... or would the guilt choose for you?"

He couldn't answer. He only gave him a pained stare.

"Hm. One loaded question, isn't it?" Lorne noted. The vampire looked away. "Whichever one of those dames out there ... Whatever you do or don't do, Angel, don't do it out of guilt. No one wins there. _No one_." He declared seriously. A moment, and the demon softened with a little smile. " _My_ pseudo-professional opinion."

Angel knew what his choice would be. It wasn't even a question.

 _Buffy_.

To pursue Cordy with Buffy like that? It was unthinkable ... but would it be just that, guilt? Was it guilt now even in _not_ knowing? He knew he still had feelings for Buffy, but was that really why? Was that still how he truly felt? He didn't know. He had absolutely idea what to think or feel. Nothing just made _sense_ anymore. Not even Buffy.

 _Not even Buffy._

Angel chuckled to himself, a bitter sound. Nothing could ever be more surreal to him than that.

Maybe he should've been glad. After Buffy, he had thought love had been to lost him for good. Now there was another chance. Now there was Cordy. He should've been relieved, being at this crossroads. To even be able to have a _thought_ of being happy with someone else, to shake this woman that had been haunting him for years even that little much. The truth was it terrified him.

"Of course, that's all in theory." Lorne shrugged.

The souled vampire was still utterly overwhelmed, swept up in this tide of chaos. "Good thing it's just a _theory_." He said, more of a growl. That wasn't what was really happening here. _Couldn't_ be with Buffy. It had to just be him. Still holding onto her. It had to be ...

Lorne gave him an indecipherable look before breaking into a smile. "Love triangles. The age-old crockpots of sudsy soap and drama." The demon chuckled.

"Never had really been in one before. This better be my last." Angel replied flatly. He glanced over at Connor, feeling worry again, before he started to go.

"Y'know, let me just ask one more thing." His friend continued and the vampire stopped reluctantly, heaving a sigh. "All _'theories'_ and what-ifs out the window ... who would it _really_ be?" He queried outright, nothing but curiosity on his face. "Blonde ... or brunette?"

"Connor."

Lorne shrugged. "Could go either way. Y'know, looking at the _parents_ ..." He responded, not missing a beat.

"Watch him. I want an eye on him a little way longer." Angel said, dodging the question as he finally left. He knew he had been making a habit lately of hiding behind Connor, but it was the one thing in all this that _did_ make sense to him.

The souled vampire turned out into the hall only to stop, surprise flooding him when he saw Buffy just a few feet from the door. The slayer spotted him as well, and seemed equally startled. Several moments passed. They stood and stared each other, unsure what to do.

"You're hurt." Angel said at last. Buffy's face shifted, starting to draw in on herself, and he clarified. "Your neck." He let his eyes rest there, taking notice of the ugly bruising.

She shrugged. "I'm still breathing." She replied, and Angel found himself just as concerned over the empty tone as he was with her wounds. There was a tense beat. Buffy looked down. "How is, um ... how is Connor?" She asked in a soft tone, clearly uncomfortable.

The souled vampire's brow creased at the question, and he felt a _different_ kind of worry now. "Finally back to sleep. Lorne's staying with him. There's not anything wrong, I'm only ... He had a close call."

"I'm glad he's okay."

 _But he might not have been._ Angel couldn't help but think. He wouldn't have had such a close call _at all_ if he hadn't let his worry for Buffy cloud everything. He knew Cordelia had told him it wasn't that simple, that they could've happened anyway but was that the point? What if another situation arose where he left his son's side for Buffy because he thought she needed him? Would Connor be so lucky then?

He had said earlier to put Connor before anything else. He still meant it. That didn't make it easier. It shouldn't have to be a choice. Angel didn't want to have to choose between them. But Connor was his son, and Buffy ... god, to even think this while looking into her eyes was _agonizing_.

"How are—?" He started anxiously.

"Everybody else is fine. Banged up and a lot of bandages around, but okay basically."

Angel didn't know himself if he had been asking about the others or _her_ , but went along with her all the same. Probably better off that way.

The tension rose between them, weighing down the silence. Angel stared at Buffy's stoic, withdrawn face. There was that look in her eyes again. He was tired of that look. It didn't belong there. Not on her. _Not to me._ A voice said. The space between them had become an island, and he just didn't know how it got there or why.

"We should really be coming up with a game plan by now." Buffy said suddenly, brusque. "I mean— We _did_ find Sumutar's lair." She softened her tone, recognizing the edge.

 _Still?_ Angel was weary. He knew exactly what Buffy was doing. It was the same thing she'd _been_ doing. But he let her. She was just absolutely determined to make everything harder and wouldn't let him reach her if he could and he was just _exhausted_ , what else could he do?

"You're right." He agreed, and then a second after Angel wasn't sure. Could he leave Connor alone so soon? Grox'lar Beasts did tend to stay in packs. What if more were still lurking around?

Buffy was becoming all-business. "Grox'lars are dead. Time for Infiltration, Take 2."

The slayer was starting to leave, and as her words triggered worry again for Connor, it also triggered something else.

"Wait." He called. Buffy stopped, but didn't turn around. "Earlier ... When one of the Grox'lars were closing in on Connor and I couldn't get to him ... you saved him." She did turn to him then and he stared in her eyes. "Thank you." Angel said, voice soft with profound gratitude.

"Don't thank me."

Angel stared after as she left, troubled. As worried as he was over Connor, _still_ worried over her. There had been something in Buffy's voice ... something broken he didn't understand. He didn't think there had ever been a point in time where he had an easy conversation with this woman. He supposed by now he never would.

* * *

~~Buffy~~

"We're running out of time." Buffy's crisp, hard-edged voice rang across the lobby as she looked into the faces of Angel and his team. "Our whole big top secret infiltration? Not gonna be so top-secret when Sumutar stumbles across our _renovations._ "

'Oh look a hole in one big, ramble-shackle hole. How do I ever tell the difference?' " Cordelia mimicked, dripping with sarcasm.

Wesley frowned. "He's careful. Especially in poor condition. If finds one hair out of place ..."

"He'll relocate." Angel was grim. "They don't call him The Survivor for nothing."

"Which is why we can't risk it." Buffy put in, giving a firm look.

Gunn sniffed. "Sumutar the Survivor? Lookin' more and more like Sumutar the _Spineless_."

"He's made it this long." Wes said simply.

"But not for much longer. Not if we act now. Might not be the quick 'easy in' like the first go though, what with the crumbling and caving. We'll probably have to _Indiana Jones_ another route ... " The blonde slayer pulled back suddenly, noticing the increasingly furrowing brow of Angel. " ... Or is there any _other_ stratagems from our Big Chief?" She said slowly, frowning.

" ... I'm worried about the Grox'lars." Angel confessed, sounding uncomfortable.

Cordy raised her eyebrows. "You mean the Grox'lars we sliced and barbequed? _Those_ Grox'lars?" She sounded as confused as Buffy felt.

"More could still be around. It's not just Taroaka demons that work in packs."

"Yeah, and we nixed them all." Buffy pointed out.

"I'm not so sure about that. I've seen nests a lot bigger than five before. _Eight_ , at least."

The slayer shook his head. "Angel, if there had been any more, they would've been here."

"Or at least on the next wave attack." Cordelia added, for once actually agreeing with Buffy.

"We can't know that for sure." Angel was insistent. " _Wesley_?" He turned to the watcher, looking for support.

Wesley was thoughtful. "Grox'lar numbers vary. Sometimes five, sometimes eight or even ten. Though you are right. We can't possibly know ..."

"So ... what, then?" Fred looked between the others unsurely. "Should we—?"

"Forget the Growlers." Buffy said impatiently, talking over Fred.

"I think you mean Grox'lars ..." Wesley sounded meek.

"They're not what's most important. The guy that can go all Multiple Man-Demon on us _is_." The slayer continued. "Sumutar's out there. He's _dangerous_ —"

"So are Grox'lars. To my _son_." There was a sharp edge to Angel's voice, and Buffy recoiled like she had been slapped. He was staring down at her severely. "Demons have been coming after Connor since the day he was born. And if there is _any_ chance of more coming, I need to know for sure. It's more than just Sumutar, Buffy. I have to make sure Connor's _safe_."

Buffy stared, numb by shock and something else. Suddenly she hardened. "Then don't come with. Stay. A lo the _rest_ of us ..."

"Rest of _us_?" Cordelia was incredulous. "Well, what if we'd rather side with _Angel_? I do. I mean, he is _big chief_."

"Can both of you just _not_ call me that?" Angel said, flustered.

"We can't just give Sumutar the chance to run out, recoup, and do what he did to Sunnydale all over again." Frustration was building with Buffy with every word, but she kept her tone icily even. "We can't risk losing our advantage."

"Even if that means risking _Connor_?" Cordelia said in disbelief. "That's not a choice. Angel thinks Connor might be in trouble... and if there really _is_ a chance of that, then that's where my money goes. I'm with him." She looked at Angel, and their eyes connected.

"Me too." Fred agreed.

Wesley inclined his head to the vampire. "I leave where we go from here to Angel."

Gunn nodded. "His call, not yours." He told her simply.

The slayer took in the A.I team—their loyalty to Angel, their respect of him—and then to Cordy and Angel himself. The concern and support in Cordy's eyes, the softness and appreciation in Angel's own, burned into her very being then like a hot iron-brand. Suddenly she was collapsing even as she stood there, a relic of the past crumbling into nothing because that's what everything wanted.

"I know you're used to being Angel's sun or moon or whatever, Buffy, but like it or not, Connor _does_ actually exist." Cordelia said sharply.

The slayer was starting to unhinge. "That is _not_ —"

"That's enough." Angel interjected, stern this time. He looked between the two women, not happy. "Now if we can just get on the same page and _work together_ ..." He threw another look at Buffy and Cordy. " ... we can figure all this out."

Her stress level was at an all-time high, and finally something in Buffy snapped. "Well, I'll start. I'm going after Sumutar."

" ...Or even the _same book_ , really ..." The vampire was getting exasperated again. "That'd be nice."

Buffy lifted her chin. "I'll track him down by myself."

"Oh, _here_ we go." Cordelia rolled her eyes.

Angel was staring at Buffy through narrowed eyes. "Not my definition of _'together.'_ " He responded flatly.

"Stay with Connor, o-or go and take care of any more Grox'lars, that's fine. But I'm killing Sumutar." Buffy reiterated, flinty with resolve. "You helped me find his secret L.A. clubhouse. I don't need you anymore. The rest I'll just take from here. "

"You can't. Not alone." Angel said.

Resentment surged in the slayer. "I _can_. And I do. I do a _lot_ now, and I'm happy to share with you the updated transcripts." She _had_ to leave. She had to get out. Had to get away. Anything anywhere but here. One more second in Angel's ozone was a second too long.

Fred frowned. "You mean the part where you died? _Twice_?"

"Well, it _does_ speak for itself ..." Cordelia said dryly.

"He's strong, Buffy." The souled vampire was insistent.

"He's _hurt_." Buffy bit back, terse. She glared at him. "The next time I fight him ... It won't even make it into _Thunderdome_."

"Take a few of my team with you."

She shook her head. "No. No, t-t-they're all hurt and I don't time to bring my first aid-kit." The words were harsh and her tone even harsher, but it didn't connect to her. She heard her own voice, but it didn't sound like hers.

Angel didn't budge. "They'll deal." He answered curtly.

"They'll slow me down." Buffy shot back.

"Uh, excuse me?" Cordy cut in, raising her hand. "Recently half-demon _endowed_?"

Buffy couldn't help but roll eyes. "And you'll what? Float him to death?" She responded derisively.

" _Hey!_ I am a _hell_ of a lot more than some 'Float-y Lightbulb' trick, okay?" Cordelia cried, indignant. "For your information, I can kick some _pretty_ —"

"We _all_ can." Gunn jumped in. The demon hunter seemed even more offended than Cordy. "Ain't _nobody_ here cramping your style, Miss Priss and Prim. Don't think just because you're The Slayer means you're the only one who knows how to slay."

 _"Charles."_ Fred clutched his arm.

Gunn resisted. "We're just supposed to sit and take that?" He expressed, outraged.

 _"Gunn!"_ Angel warned. His tone was ten times more forceful and intimidating than Fred's could ever hope to be, and the demon hunter went silent. The vampire glared at him then slowly turned back to Buffy. "A little harsh. Keep up, and even _they_ won't listen."

"I didn't come here to make friends. I came here to do my job." The blonde declared, force in her voice. "And believe me, I'll do that a _whole_ lot better on my own."

"Not to side with high horsing at it's finest, but she does have a point." Cordy began. "Buffy going alone? Not exactly a crisis. She still _is_ the Slayer. And it's not like she'd be facing off with an army of Sumutar's demon denizens. Slayer lost Scaley. Slayer found him. Our job is pretty much done."

Cordelia agreed with her. Of course _Cordelia_ agreed with her. After all she wanted her far, far away so she could have Angel all to herself. Bitterness stirred in Buffy. _She can have him._

"Sumutar was my battle from the beginning. I'm going back down there, and I'm going _alone_." She stared Angel down.

The vampire was still silent, his gaze on her piercing and his mouth in a tight line. " ... Half my team goes." He said it entirely matter-of-fact.

Desperate frustration consumed Buffy, her mind racing, and then she turned to steel. "I'm not casting _votes_." She glared at him and began to leave. Angel grabbed her arm as she past him, stopping her. She turned on him angrily. "I already decided—"

" _I_ decide." There was a hardness to Angel's voice now, and it was clear he had lost patience with her. "You're not in Sunnydale, Buffy. It's _my_ shots, _my_ call. If I tell the team to do something, they do it. The others are going with you and you're working with them."

Buffy paused, taken aback by the tone despite herself. She stared at him, eyes of authority and filled with a quiet but intense challenge. She was reminded in another way that this was not the Angel she had known. This Angel she didn't have power over.

Moments passed. Buffy and Angel stood glaring at each other, the tension at the smolder.

"You're right. Your team, they listen." Buffy said at last. " _I'm_ not a part of your team." She looked at him defiantly, holding his angry smoldering stare with her own before turning away. She felt Angel's searing gaze trained on her as she was leaving.

All Buffy wanted was to leave and be left alone. She just wanted to be gone. She couldn't be here anymore. She couldn't be _anywhere_ anymore.

* * *

Angel and his team stood in tense silence, watching Buffy go. Mixed emotions ran through them, ranging from discomfort to disbelief to anger. Only Angel's expression was a mask, having reverted back to the unmovable fortress.

 _"Oh, my god!"_ Cordelia exclaimed. "Is it at all possible for one person to not change _at all_ in three years? Because the resemblance, it's uncanny."

"Has she always been like this?" Fred frowned.

Cordy scoffed, and she gave a 'duh' look.

"It's more complicated than that ..." Wesley was looking at Angel carefully.

"Oughta been knocked back a few _more_ pegs if you're askin' me." Gunn remarked disdainfully. He paused, noticing Angel's glower now cast in his direction. He shook his head. "That just was not cool, man. You cannot tell me that was cool. Her talking to you like that?"

"Gunn." The vampire didn't look at him, expression dark. "Shut up."

Cordelia gave a irritated sigh, shaking her head. "This is _so_ like her. One death-near-death experience, and then she goes _Gia_. Everything is all 'Woe-is-Me' or 'Friends in dispose pile' ..." She stopped short when Angel suddenly broke away, starting off after Buffy, and immediately rolled her eyes.

"Some things never change." Cordy said brightly, her arms crossed.

"Some things do." Gunn replied, watching as Wes followed Angel. "Angel signaled that to her back there _loud_ and _clear_."

"That's the thing." Cordelia gave a slightly bitter smile, still staring after Angel. "Even when they're _fighting_ ... they still don't see _anyone_ but each other."

 _ **####**_

Angel hardly noticed as Wesley came up from behind, feeling a careful touch on his shoulder. "I'm sure she'll be fine." The ex-watcher whispered. "You have to direct all your energies in what's best for your son. Buffy understands that. She'll understand _everything_ , just give her time."

The vampire looked over, stoic as he stared into his friend's open and earnest face. Wesley held his stare, trying to project reassurance. He gave a nod and then politely stepped back to join the others.

Angel stood, his expression still giving away nothing as he watched him go before he turned and continued walking.

* * *

~~Angel~~

He found her in the garden. It was the last place he thought she would be. He had expected her to have run out and already be out the door but there she was. She was standing turned away from him, cleaning her longsword. A sharpening block was set aside on the bench.

Angel stopped just behind her, not speaking as he watched. He didn't know what to say to her or if he should say anything at all. A part of him thought he should just turn back now and he wasn't sure if that came from a place of wisdom or weakness. All he knew was that he was standing here in this moment, feeling a thousand different feelings this woman evoked just by staring at her.

"I'm not sorry." Buffy stated, breaking the long quiet. She didn't look at him, methodically cleaning her sword.

"Didn't expect you to be."

If she had any reaction to his flat tone, she didn't show it. "I don't have time to make with the team pow-wow right now. I don't have time to worry about first impressions. I _don't_ ..." She sighed, shaking her head. "I just don't have time."

"And yet you're _still_ here." Angel replied pointedly.

Buffy stiffened slightly, half-turning to glance at him. Instead she stopped, set aside the rag and grabbed the block as she moved on to sharpening. The clinking and scraping of her sword echoed in the chilly silence.

Angel knew with a certain resigned detachment that for once he was the one who had to do the talking. "So you head out solo for Sumutar. Find 'em. Kill 'em. Don't suppose after you'll be back to check in ..."

It was a subtle accusal, and Buffy knew it. "Want a 'Honey, _you're_ home' to go with that statement?" She sniped.

"Thought so."

The blonde let out an irritated breath. "It'd just ... be easier if I went alone, okay? You can't come because you're too busy trying to weed out the Groxlar _Brady Brunch_. I can't waste time worrying about the others."

"That's a reason. Now tell me the real one."

"I guess the whole 'Slayer-on-the-clock' thing didn't really register." She was tenser than before though and Angel knew he had hit something.

"I want you to tell me what's going on with you." He moved closer to her side, gaze trained on her piercingly so she would finally look him in the eye.

" _Nothing's_ going on." Buffy responded, frustrated.

Angel saw right through it. "That scene back there ... Wouldn't work with me, wouldn't even work with the _team_... You're not acting like yourself." He was gaining confidence with the words, finally squashing that incessant fear to confront her. "Ever since—"

"And how would you know?" She gave him a frosty look. "You don't know me anymore, Angel. You really should stop acting like it."

That gave the souled vampire pause, the words getting to him a moment. "I still know when something's wrong with you." He said, quiet but firm.

"I'm _'wrong'_ ..." Buffy said it like he had just told the funniest joke in the world, though Angel wasn't sure what part of that had been funny. "Whatever you think—I'm _fine_ , okay? I'm dandy. I am walking on sunshine, _really_." After a moment, she sighed. "I have to go." With one last stroke of her sword, she finished sharpening and pocketed the block.

She started to leave but Angel grabbed her, pulling her in front of him. "Not until you tell me what's going on with you." He reiterated slowly, terse. His hold on both arms were like a lock, keeping her in place. He was not happy with her right now, but he wasn't going to let her do this.

"Come on, Angel. We both know you never really wanted me here anyway."

"That's not—"

" _Don't_. _Don't_ even." Buffy shook her head, her tone fierce. Her heated glare seemed to burn right through Angel, and her expression turned even harder. "Consider this my baby shower gift." She said harshly.

"Why is everything always a fight with you?" Angel said in frustration. Proving his very words, Buffy fought his grasp and broke free, practically running to leave. He grabbed her arm. "Why are you—"

"Because I _have_ to!" Buffy whirled back, exploding. "Because you can't fix this."

There was a desperate, defeated agony in her eyes. Angel's heart lurched and sank. "Is it Connor? _Cordy_?" There was another question that went unspoken. A question so weighty and life-changing it couldn't be acknowledged, even to himself.

The blonde slayer wouldn't answer. She just made a sound between scorn and pain, not looking at him.

Angel clenched his jaw, growing frustrated again. Was nothing he did good enough? "I'm _trying_ , Buffy. I'm really, _really_ trying here and—"

"Who asked you to try?" Buffy cried angrily. She paused, catching her tone, and gave a little shake of her head. "No." She shook her head again. "I'm not doing this." She declared vehemently, walking away.

"You're not _running_ from this!" He pulled her back to him, just as adamant.

"Please, just let me go." She begged.

Angel could barely swallow back his anger at her behavior. He knew Sumutar was out there and needed to be taken care of. He knew Connor came first, and he had priorities of his own right now. He knew all of this and yet couldn't let her just walk out that door. He was frustrated, _so_ frustrated with her and _all of this_ , but he still needed her to _talk_ to him. He needed her to let him in. He couldn't bear this continent between them.

"Whatever it is you're not telling me ..."

"Before we both say something we're _really_ going to regret ..."

"I mean it." Angel said sternly.

 _"Don't."_ She said, desperate.

"Why do you keep pushing me away?" He responded, upset.

 _"You don't want to know."_ She answered in a steely voice.

 _"Buffy."_

There was an emotionally-charged, precarious moment. Buffy's eyes were looking into his own with a desperate, frenzied fear as if there was nothing in the world that terrified her more than him and Angel knew just how close she was to breaking. But he still held fast, needing to.

"Was it really that easy to forget about me?" The blonde slayer erupted, her tone choked. "Cordy bats her eyelashes and becomes Warrior Cheerleader, and then all of a sudden it's _'Buffy who'?_ Even after that night we had when I was brought back—" She broke off, and shook her head. "I died, you moved on, right? I guess I didn't know how much the _'moving on'_ part stuck." She looked to her feet, wearing a bitter smile.

"It's not that simple."

"What else could it be?" Anger edged her voice. "I come here, and there you are in 'romance galore'. Y'know, 'taking the plunge with Cordy'?" Her tone was as sharp as razor blades, and she glared at him meaningfully.

The wording made Angel freeze. He looked down. "How much?" He asked, tired.

" _All_ I needed to. A round of applause for my sense of timing, huh?" Buffy answered, bitterly sardonic.

"Buffy, listen—" Angel began urgently.

Buffy didn't want to listen. "So is the curse a non-issue now? Or do you just not care about it when it's Cordy?" She inquired, scathing enough to make him flinch. "Does _Cordy_ not get the whole 'demons and darkness' speech? Am I _'special_ '?" She said, filled with hurt and bitterness.

Angel stared at her in dismay. Suddenly everything about how she'd been acting made sense. A horrible sick feeling overcame him, one with all the agony of a stake: profound guilt. _I did this to her._ He had been the one to put that pain in her eyes. What was worse was that couldn't even explain why.

 _What am I supposed to say? What_ can _I say?_

"All that talk about leaving me _'for my own good'_. That I _'deserved more'_. That you were the ball and chain in my life. That I needed to go do normal, y'know, have the kids ..." The dam in Buffy had burst now, her unnatural frigid shell swept away, leaving a flood of resentment and recriminations in it's wake. "But hey, look who's got the kid. Look who's doing pretty well for himself—"

Angel, taken aback at first by the strength of her bitterness towards him, bridled at the mention of his son. " _Don't_. Don't make this about Connor. I didn't _expect_ —"

"You'd rather I make it about Cordy?" She countered.

"Do you think I wanted any of this to happen?" Angel snapped, distressed.

"Didn't you?" Buffy challenged. "What with everything with being all blood baskets and _'Happy day'_? 'Living the life of Riley' ?"

Angel felt his anger rising. "And you know how long it took for that to happen? Do you know how _hard_ it was, to even get to this point?" He rebuked, seething. "After I left you, Buffy, I didn't have anything. It was easier for you."

"Yes, I see how it's all very easy." The slayer's tone was acidic.

"You _had_ a life. I had to _build_ one. Get a purpose, y'know a little mental stability, find friends of my own. And then Connor. I finally ... get to this ... _place_ and then there you are. Because that can't ever just be enough for you. You can move on, but I can't."

"Well, wasn't that what you said? Wasn't that your _'golden rule'_?" Buffy fired back. "But of course Cordy's different, right?" She said more harshly.

Angel was on emotion overload. Guilt, anger, hurt, confusion. They were all practically ripping him apart at the seams. He didn't know _what_ Buffy wanted from him. He was tired of trying and failing to please her, the conflicting feelings, constantly trying to figure her out. The stress and frustration of the entire situation he had been repressing had finally come to a head and he couldn't take it anymore.

"Sounds like it's more your rule." Angel ground out, glaring. "You get mad at me about Cordy when it was _you_ who jumped into a relationship with _Uncle Sam_. Remember _that_ guy? Remember throwing him in my face? Remember? _'Life of Riley'_?" He couldn't keep out the bitterness, throwing her own phrase right back at her. " 'Cause that didn't _hurt_ or anything."

Buffy stared at him, unflinching. "Guess it didn't."

"You don't know what you're talking about." He barked.

"Yeah, because the whole 'trying to shack up with Cordy' thing _really_ sells you're case."

"You really think you're the one being fair here?" Angel responded in frustration. "I didn't make this happen to hurt you. If you could just be a little understanding instead of being _selfish_ —" He began to lecture.

 _"Selfish?!"_ Buffy exploded, her face lit with outrage. "If I was _selfish_ , I'd—" She stopped herself, eyes suddenly clouding, and she looked away.

"I won't apologize for Connor. I can't for Cordy. I didn't _plan_ on all this happening, Buffy, but it did. I can't change it, and maybe instead of making me out like the bad guy, you're the one that needs to work on accepting that!" He berated, his voice raising. "Deal with it. Don't. I'm done caring." He said, hard and final.

Silence.

Buffy met his severe stare with her own unreadable one. " ... You left me." She stated out of blue, her tone quiet. "You said it was because I'd be better off without you ... but you ended up with a pretty good deal, huh? The kid, the work, the team. And now _Cordy._ " She choked on the last part, looking down.

Angel stared at her, all his anger draining away as he saw the pain in her eyes. It was the way it always had been between them. She could be acting out for all the wrong reasons. He could be frustrated with her for all the right ones. He had meant every word he just said, but one wounded look from her and he'd regret it.

"That's what it was _really_ about, wasn't it?" The slayer paused and when she looked at him again, her eyes were desolate. "You didn't leave so _I_ could have the better life, Angel. You left so you could."

He couldn't believe what he was hearing. _No ... Buffy ..._ He gave her a pained stare, showing a thousand words he was too overwrought with emotion to say.

She shrugged. "You just didn't want to be with me." Buffy said it so softly, and suddenly Angel was pulled back into a break-up and a long-forgotten sewer. She said it in the almost the same exact way she had then, but it was different ... listless. He stared into her face, stoic even with tears in her eyes.

Thrown by the reaction, Angel still couldn't muster up a response. Buffy gave a world-weary look, blinking the tears away as she went to leave. Only when Buffy was half-way out of sight did he finally follow.

Angel stood in the lobby watching Buffy go out the door, oblivious to his friends and their prying eyes. A million thoughts should've been running through his mind, but he was numb. It was as if all the overwhelming emotion in his argument with Buffy had bled out his ability to feel anything.

Angel always thought that walking away from Buffy was the hardest thing he ever had to endure.

It wasn't until the moments like this he was reminded that her walking away from him was worse.

* * *

~~Buffy~~

Buffy stood outside the Hyperion, her tears now flowing freely. A hole so large had opened up in her chest that she was struggling to breath, and she inhaled sharply. _I can't believe I ... Did this really ..._ She shook her head with her racing thoughts and she closed her eyes tightly, emotionally devastated.

Her fight with Angel had hollowed everything in her leaving only self-loathing left. She had tried _so_ hard to keep it together. Even with all the pain and darkness inside Buffy had still tried. She pushed herself again and again to just focus on the job. To be the person she _should_ be. And in the blink of the eye she just ruined everything.

She had overheard Angel and Lorne talking in Connor's room. Angel had been more than just feeling things for Cordy. He had been pursuing her. It didn't matter that he had the curse. He didn't matter why he broke up with _her_. Every little voice and insecurity Buffy had ever had over Angel leaving had been pushed back to the surface ... that it had really been her, that there had been something _wrong_ with her ... and after all this time it had all been true.

It had practically destroyed her.

Buffy had been on the very edge after that, teetering and about to fall off. She still had thought she could save herself somehow. When all else failed her, there was still the Slayer. She had channeled everything into going after Sumutar. But it only got worse and worse and she couldn't ... She had been _so close_ ...

 _Why did he have to fight me? Why couldn't he just let me go?_ She lamented, distraught. He should've known better. But Angel had pushed and pulled and dug at things he would better off for the rest of his unlife never knowing and all it had lead to was a fight.

The desperation of that moment still shook Buffy. She had been breaking, having reached the very limit of what she could take, and she had almost told him everything. She had almost told him about her life, about Spike. That she wasn't better. Only _he_ would come so close and she still hadn't forgiven him for that. But she still couldn't tell him. She couldn't let him carry that kind of guilt. Even with the part of her that hated him, she hated herself more.

So instead just tore into Angel, blaming him for Cordy and Connor and just everything he represented like the horrible, most selfish person in the world. She _was_ the most selfish, horrible person in the world. Because as much she tried to protect him from the worst of it, as much as that anger had been directed at herself as much as him, she had still meant everything she had said.

Shame seared through the slayer. She _shouldn't_ blame Angel. She had deserved everything he had said to her and worse. She had been taking out all her problems out on him. He didn't even know how much. She was still so, _so_ bitter ...

A part of Buffy told herself it was better that this happened. Now Angel knew. He knew without a doubt just how selfish she really was. She could go and finish Sumutar off without him to chase her down. But she knew Angel wouldn't chase her down anyway, not anymore. Not with Connor. All that was left was the demon.

 _All that was left was the demon._ It ricocheted in her mind, taking root inside her.

The slayer drew in another breath, her face hardening against the dried tears as she pulled the last remnants of herself back together. She left the Hyperion and started off after Sumutar, determined to take him down herself— and to never come to this place again.

 _Angel said it himself._ Buffy thought, walking down the street. _Coming here was a mistake._

* * *

 **A/N: Ooh! Our sad kids. :( Things are not very good right now between Buffy and Angel, are they? I set out writing this fic for it be MORE than a BA fic and work towards lessons and character growth. All the Bangel clashing and the BIG B/A fight at the end was kinda painful, but imo completely necessary and realistic. ****Angel in S3 is the furthest his character has ever been from Buffy and I definitely wanted to work with that. I hope it came across well to you guys. Buffy and Angel don't fight with each other a lot, but when they do it's called for.**

 **Buffy finding out about Angel actually trying to get with Cordy in WITW ... *sigh* Atvs S3 was incredibly lazy with Cangel. It was _monumentally_ out of character for Angel to even do that** — **this chapter pretty much encompassing all the reasons why** — **and it added NOTHING to the plot or characters. In this though I made sure it did. It wasn't too bad for some good Bangel angst either! ;)**

 **NEXT** **CHAPTER:** Buffy heads deep into the heart of the Sumutar's lair. Angel is settling scores of his own, and as the champions respective missions unfold tough choices and some rash decisions are made ...

 _ **Thanks for the 19 favorites, 40 follows, and 40 reviews!**_


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